The Plowed Lion
By Mike Stevens
A Blue Lion Tale
The more he drank, the madder he became. Richard Sellers face was red with anger and alcohol. Damn, why was he having such bad luck stealing the pornographic statue known as The Blue Lion? He'd attempted to steal it three times, and three times he'd been caught, and had served two sentences of eight, and ten years, respectively. The third time he was caught he'd been lucky to avoid his third strike when he was harassed by an bully-cop named Gavin McTaven. He'd been beaten by McTaven and used the threat of filing a lawsuit to get the charges dropped. Now all he did was sit at this tavern and drink, trying to deaden the pain of his failure. He wanted to be known as a master thief, but because of his failure, he was not. As he finished yet-another beer, he was formulating a daring plan. He had had no success using stealth, so why not just smash and grab? He knew there was a bulldozer parked at the construction sight by his house, so what's to stop him from hotwiring it and just driving it into the owners house and grabbing the damn statue? The very thought of plowing right in and not bothering with any of the security devices made him smile to himself. He had made up his mind. He was going to do it!
The bulldozer started right up after being hotwired. Richard Sellers set his beer down between his legs and put the machine into drive. The behemoth lurched onto the roadway and rumbled towards The Blue Lions' owner's house. Cars were honking, drivers were flipping him off, but he didn't care. All his focus was on the damn statue. As he drove he guzzled another beer. He had to have that thing. Nothing else mattered.
At last, he approached the house. No sense in checking it out first; he was just going to go straight in, grab the damn statue, drive back out and then run like hell. Not having to waste any time planning was very much a relief. He had played with the controls on his way here, so he engaged the blade; lifting it high and crashing right in. Immediately many alarms and loud music, "The Theme from the Pink Panther" erupted from the destroyed house, but Sellers only laughed and plowed ahead. The owner suddenly emerged from a pile of rubble and screamed,
"What? You're destroying my house!" Sellers just looked straight ahead and out of the corner of his mouth, replied,
"No time for chit-chat, I'm busy!" and kept on plowing, until smashing The Blue Lion's security case to kindling. The strobe light flashing, music blaring, and the shrieking alarms made it a surreal scene. The enraged owner yelled,
"I'm calling the police, you're nuts!" and ran to his telephone, which no longer worked due to the fact the bulldozer had ripped out the phone line.
"Crap!" exclaimed the owner, upon hearing no dial tone.
Meanwhile, Sellers watched as The Blue Lion dropped from the shattered security case and fell to the floor, missing a front paw, which had been sheered off by the bulldozer's blade. He stopped, jumped to the ground, and grabbed the now-worthless Blue Lion, and jumped back onto the bulldozer to drive back out of the rubble left of the house, where he would abandon the machine and ran away on foot. He revved the engine, put it in drive, and started back out. Suddenly, the engine sputtered, coughed, and died. No! Sellers thought. What was the problem? Then, he glanced at the fuel gauge. The damn thing was out of gas! He jumped down and slowly, carefully, made his way on foot out of the rubble, onto the grass, and started running. Once again, he held The Blue Lion in his hands! True, it was now worthless, but he had proved he was a master thief. Behind him, the owner screamed,
"Stop him, someone please stop him; he ruined my house and stole a priceless statue!"
Sellers laughed and replied over his shoulder, "Too damn late. I'm going to get away scot-fre-"
Just then, he found himself airborne, flailing his arms and legs in a desperate, futile attempt to stay upright. He landed on the ground on his back, with the damn neighbor cop on top of him. Not again! Richard Sellers was livid. The neighbor cop said in triumph,
"Got you, loser; I was on my way home from work and saw what you someone was doing with the bulldozer, saw you start to run, and decided I had to help. Low and behold, it's you! Don't you every get a clue?"