Water Loses It!
By Mike Stevens
My name is H20fious, or simply Water. My friends call me Wat, but you can call me Water. I haven't been too happy with the other great elements, but especially Earth, that bastard-orb! It gets mostly good press: "The Good Earth!", "Earth is home to Mother Nature!" "The Good Earth has blessed us with a bountiful harvest this year!" Please, the press gets out its knee pads, so it can kiss Earth's backside. Me, they say, "Water Ravages the coast!", "Mother nature unleashes a torrent!", "Flood ravages entire town!" Fire gets bad press, like me, but he's a jerk, so it's hard to feel too sorry for that dick! I've had it! No one ever thinks about how hard it would be to cry without me. I guess because I'm associated with bad emotions, such as crying, I get bad press. Everyone takes me for granted, but when I take a little vacation to recharge my batteries, it's,
"Come back, why has thou forsaken us?"
Why, if they don't shut their pie holes, I'll tidal wave their a**! You think I'm kidding? Just try me! Try dealing with Fire without me. And without me to cool things down, Air would be nothing but a hot blowtorch, torching your a**! And can anyone tell me what Ether does? Isn't that like manure? Yeah, the 5 great elements are; Earth, Air (which is joined at the hip to Wind!), Fire, me, and S**t! I'm telling you, I get no respect! Hey, Rodney Dangerfield made a good living joking about that, but let me tell you, aint anything funny about my lot in life. I'm pissed, and you've seen the havoc I can wreak when I'm pissed! Earth thinks it's so bad with it's plagues, famine, and pestilence; well, when I see them written down, those are pretty bad! Never mind, that was a bad example. I guess I'm just having a bad day. I'm telling you, if I have to listen to another lame-a** watered-down joke! Think about it, how would you like to have people use your name as the punch line of a joke?
"A priest, a rabbi, and Ben Mahoney walk into a bar...I'm not in the mood to think up something funny here, so eat it!
And how about The Postal Service, huh? "Neither wind, nor rain, nor dark of night..." blah, blah blah, blah blah!
Wind is cousins with Air, so I guess I can't get too mad at Air; we both take it in the shorts when it comes to public opinion. And, maybe using the Postal Service wasn't a good example; their image is down in the same s****r* as mine. Well, I'm through ripping you all a new one. I'll leave you with what my fellow great element gets asked to do several times each day, "Blow me!"