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Princesses, Dragons and Musical Chairs

Short story By: PageTurner

“I look incredibly handsome today,” prince Charming observed, “though I say it.”

“You're completely right, sweetie!” the mirror cooed as a response, “I could eat you up!”

A fairytale parody. Prepare to perish from laughter. *MUAHAHAHH*

(Okay, I know, it's totally lame humor xD)

Submitted:Jun 8, 2011    Reads: 104    Comments: 13    Likes: 6   

Princesses, Dragons and Musical Chairs

Once upon a time, there was a princess. A princess who was so ugly, that whistling birds spontaneously collapsed to the ground as soon as they saw her. Eventually, after many years of patience and tolerance, the king and queen became mentally unable to keep their daughter by their side - and in their vision - anymore.

After a family meeting, they decided to fence the princess off the rest of the world, so it would be spared the horror of her ugliness.

And no sooner said than done. The king rented a cozy apartment in a deserted tower that was spotted on the - according to the salesman - fairy-like location in the middle of a savaged forest.

For a job-applicant for the job of security agent, the royal couple traveled to the local animal shelter. After a while of considering and debating whether to hire the terrifying and furious looking dragon and the cute Chihuahua, they did pick - at the advice of the animal foster - the first one.

And so it happened that the incredibly ugly princess was locked up in her dragon-guarded tower.

Many years later, nothing had changed about her perilous situation, except for the fact that she had been given a pink laptop as a present for her sixteenth birthday. Because of this, she was able to communicate with the rest of the world, on condition that she wouldn't post pictures of herself on the internet.

The princess was delighted with her gift, and immediately created a facebook account.

Not that much later, these words were read by a certain prince Charming:

Hey! OMG, I'm bored to death. Does not a brave nobleman want to save me of this lonely tower and its terrifying guard? Who succeeds, may marry me. Greetz, Princess.

This prince Charming surely did want to! He was ready to go abroad, but first he had to go to the coiffure, to the sunbed, the manicure, pedicure and also to the sauna for a little bit. When he was about to leave, he took a last look in his mirror.

"I look incredibly handsome today," he observed, "though I say it."

"You're completely right, sweetie!" the mirror cooed as a response, "I could eat you up!"

There was just one single thing bothering him in his own reflection: his glasses. "Maybe I should have a refractive surgery..." sighed prince Charming.

"Fantastic idea, sweetheart! You're so awfully smart, too!," said the mirror.

And so it happened. Prince Charming's went through the surgery and the doctor assured him that he would get his vision back after a couple of hours.

Prince Charming gave his brand-new and already dazzlingly shining motorcycle another round of cleaning. In spite of his being a bit grumpy because he wouldn't able to stare into the gorgeous depths of his mirror for a while - or in other words, at his reflection - he departed with good cheer on his dangerous and exhausting journey.

A few miles later, however, our courageous prince arrived at the edge of the wild forest. Even he, with his bad eyes, could see that the ground was covered with roots and ferns so that it appeared impossible to continue any further with his motorcycle.

When he realized this, the stress did claim its toll. The prince burst into tears and sobbingly threw himself on his traveling companion.

"Never I shall leave you!" he exclaimed, "Never! Not for a hundred thousand golden coins! Not for a harem of exceptionally beautiful princesses! Not for-"

The heart rending lamentations of the prince were abruptly interrupted by a coincidental passenger. "Would you perhaps be interested in buying a donkey, my lord? I would be delighted if I could trade it against your shining steel steed," said the man, with a keen glance at the motorcycle.

"Yeah, sure, why not?" responded prince Charming, and so it happened. The man traveled further with fiercely desired steel steed, whilst our hero crossed the forest with his new donkey.

After a journey full of feral hardships and leering dangers - of which none were worthy of mentioning for that matter - prince Charming finally arrived at the tower in the midst of the forest.

He directed his donkey - which he had given the name 'Donkey' - near the door and pressed the door bell.

"Dumb thing," it sounded, and the prince became truly furious.

"Dumb thing?" the prince raved at the door bell, "Me? I'm prince Charming! I'm the most handsome and most clever person on this planet! I'm-"

But again his declarations were interrupted. This time not by a coincidental passenger, but by a dragon! The terribly horrifying beast came flying towards our hero with swishing wing-beats. The half-blind prince Charming prepared to put up a brave fight - or to cowardly flee, that we will never know for sure - when the dragon landed and suddenly spoke.

"Good day, honorable lord," so he growled, "What exactly art ye doing here?"

"I came here to liberate the princess from your cruel claws!" responded the prince, wavering but determined.

The dragon bend his enormous neck to study his nails. "Cruel claws? But I even just went to the pedicure... Perhaps I should have had my nails painted in light-pink after all? But I thought that clashed with my green outfit?" the dragon said unsurely.

"Really?" the prince exclaimed. "Me too! Where do you go to? To 'Stepmother's Nail Studio'?"

"Indeed! What a happy coincidence!" answered the dragon, and so they chatted on for a while.

But when it became dusk, the prince recalled his mission. "That's right! I must save the princess!" he remembered.

"Oh," the dragon said, "But I'm afraid I canst allow that. I get paid to guard her, ye see. It would cost me my job, and ye know how hard it is to get a new one in the economical crisis."

Prince Charming nodded understandingly. "Of course. But I will challenge you to a duel. If I win, you will let me through to the princess. If you win, I'll leave and never return. Deal?"

"Deal," the dragon confirmed. "But for what kind of duel art ye challenging me to?"

"Well, because I challenged you, it seems fair to me that you chose," the prince explained.

"Okay," said the dragon, and he thought hard. And he thought even harder. And when he had thought his hardest, he drew himself up to his full length. He truly towered over our hero and the atmosphere turned dark and threatening. A chilly breeze blew over the scene and the evening air cooled noticeably.

"I have chosen," spoke the dragon with his deep and growling voice, and again he spread a terrifying feeling. "The two of us shall duel through..." Here the dragon inserted a long silence, which performed miracles for the dramatic effect, before he continued. "Musical chairs."

The prince, who almost fainted from fear after this dreadful announcement, staggered on his feet. "Musical chairs? Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! You cruel and merciless beast! But I will teach you a lesson! Get the chairs ready!" Our hero had found his combativeness again and itched to show the dragon not to mess with him.

Out of nowhere, seven times three - or three times seven, that's also possible - dwarfs appeared, carrying one single chair and planting it on the ground.

When the chair was set out, the music started playing. After an exchange of challenging looks between the dragon and the prince, the twosome started to turn around the chair carefully, with occasionally a nice dance step in between.

But then the dragon suddenly exclaimed, "Hey! Ye art cheating! Ye canst put yer hand on the chair yet! That ain't fair!" He pouted - which was actually quite the funny expression on a dragon - as a result of which a bright fire beam shot out of his nostril. The flames rushed right at the music player, which caused it to be set ablaze.

"Oops," the dragon muttered, but prince Charming had been fast and had used the opportunity to take seat on the chair.

"Hey!" the dragon protested again, "That ain't fair!"

"The music stopped," the prince spoke wisely, "and I sat on the chair first! I have won!" This he said in victory before sticking out his mighty tongue to his defeated opponent.

The dragon found that argument unanswerable. "Okay then," he sighed, "I shall take ye to the princess."

And no sooner said than done: the dragon guided our hero to the ugly princess's chambers, and then left them alone.

The prince still couldn't see very well because of his recent surgery, and he paid court to the princess. When he reminded her of her promise to marry whoever came to save her, she agreed delightedly to the rite.

The twosome headed downstairs and and climbed on Donkey's back, to travel to a drive-in wedding chapel.

Once arrived, the ceremony was completed swiftly and thus prince Charming married the ugly princess. And they lived happily ever after.

Until, of course, the prince regained his vision a couple of hours later. He beheld the unutterable ugliness of the princess full of disgust and exclaimed, "That's my luck again!" before escaping the castle they had settled down in the meantime, never to be seen again.

The End


A/N: HAHAHHAH, now that was funny wasn't it? Let's hope it was, otherwise this'd be kinda awkward O.o Anyways. This was a story I wrote for Dutch class a couple of months ago - assignment: write a fairytale and read it to the class -and I translated it just for you! *Yay, we love you Paige!* So don't be surprised if some phrases are a bit off. It's much easier just to write Dutch or English than to translate it :S Did I ever mention I want to become a book translator? No? Well, here you go :D So please tell me if I did well! Thank you so much ^.^ xx Paige P.S. I'm alo entering this in EternalSnow's Romance With a Twist Contest :D


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