John Boehner held a press conference. Eric Cantor stood
respectfully behind him.
"Good afternoon. An hour ago the president made some comments that made for good television" Boehner began, "saying, and I quote, we were holding 'a gun to the head of the American people' ".
"We're not playing a damn game here." Boehner paused, shook his head in sorrow.
"He wants to portray us as heartless servants of the rich - er - I mean job creators. But nothing could be further from the truth." Boehner continued.
"I care about the American people. Nobody cares more about the American people than me. Every night I go to bed, I'm trying to think, what can I do to help the American people." Boehner said.
"I care about the American people too." Cantor blurted out.
"I'm not finished Eric." Boehner said.
"Sorry." Cantor said.
"I care about American people who can't find jobs." Boehner continued. "Obamacare destroys jobs. I don't want a government shutdown - "
"We do NOT want a government shutdown." Cantor shouted out.
"Sorry, last I checked I was speaker of the House, not you. Don't interrupt me." Boehner said.
"Sorry." Cantor said.
"Mr. Speaker?" Dana Bash of CNN asked.
"Yes?" Boehner said.
"There are some who say that you are trying to keep your job as Speaker of the House by putting a million federal workers out of work. How would you respond to that accusation?"
"Well" Boehener answered, "I would say to the furloughed workers that they need to get a real job. It's the private sector that creates real jobs for honest hard-working Americans - "
"I'm sorry, Mr. Speaker, but it sounds like you're implying - " she was interrupted by screams in the back of the room.
"Oh My God!"
"Oh My God , It's Smokey the Bear!"
Smokey the Bear, wearing a forest ranger's hat and carrying a
large shovel, walked on two legs like a man right up to the
"You bastard. I've been working my ass off for 70 years." Smokey the Bear shouted.
"But ... But ... you're a bear." Boehner said, "You're not supposed to get a paycheck. You belong in the zoo."
That answer put Smokey into a rage. Holding the shovel like a baseball bat, Smokey took a swing. WHACK. Boehner's head crashed through the window and landed in the middle of Pennsylvania Avenue. Boehner's headless body paused for effect, then fell to the ground. Smokey took off (bears are very fast).
The journalists were stunned. A minute later they heard Cantor in the hallway shouting with joy "YES ... YES .. YES!". An aide advised him to keep it down.
The next morning, Eric Cantor was getting ready for a press
"You sure these will work?" he said, looking at the small bottle in his hand.
"Positive, and it wears off after twenty minutes." the aide said.
"OK, Let's do it.", Cantor squeezed out three drops into each eye.
"Just one drop is all you need!" the aide said, horrified.
Cantor took the podium.
"Good morning, Americans" he began, "It is with deep sorrow and a heavy heart that I must report the vacancy of the Speaker of the House."
Cantor's smile was huge and wide. His teeth were dazzling white. He seemed to be struggling, without success, to stop smiling. A river of tears rolled down his face onto his suit.
"John Boehner, one of the greatest heroes in the history of our great nation, was murdered by a terrorist bear, a bear that was encouraged to commit this cowardly crime by those who would put our great constitution in the paper shredder and destroy everything that makes America great. I am not going to name names ...."
"..But about half of them work for MSNBC."
The crying intensified and his grin was as huge as ever.
"As you can tell", Cantor tried to purse his lips to express deep grief, but it looked more like a smirk, "I'm still in mourning and will be for a long time. But the fight must go on. Last night, members of the Republican party urged me many times to accept the position of the Speaker of the House. I said to them repeatedly and I say to you now .."
He paused for effect and raised his voice,
"I do NOT want this job. I NEVER was interested in this job."
Then Cantor giggled, quickly changed it to coughing.
Still crying and smiling, he continued, "It is with deep reluctance that I accept the seat of the Speaker, but only because it is the best way to help the American people find jobs and only because I must continue the fight to stop Obamacare which threatens to destroy the very fabric of our society."
"OW", he shook his head.
An hour later, on cable TV:
Rachel Maddow had a huge smile as she began the news updates.
"Just in, Speaker of the House Eric Cantor was admitted to the hospital for emergency eye surgery."
"And Smokey the Bear is still a fugitive at large."