Feck this

Feck This! Going On Holiday Writers Bio This little piece of writing doesn't have to be read if you don't want to after all it's a page about me. Ryan Martin Thomas Simpson was born at Antrim Area Hospital on the 30th July, 1999, he lived all his life at 14 Craig fad drive, Stiles, Antrim until October, 2011. Ryan lived a happy life in Primary school, participating in plays, helping the PTA and being Ryan shouting at thick teachers, but this did not set him back, Ryan strived on and had There's Ryan!many a friends. Many people ask me about where I get my shouting from, well it comes from my mum and then her mum etc. . , I do get very angry at certain things, I mainly get angry at random members of the public and then my mum joins in and if my granny is around well this persons in for a shock. We've all done it, gone on holiday, been to Spain, Florida or Italy, it's just one of things we do, jetting off to a foreign country for the sun and pool for 2 weeks or 3. In our house it'll usually start on a drizzly November day sitting on the sofa listening to the rain bounce off the window, the family coming together, playing draw something on our phones,"Dad look at this crap drawing of yours, what's that meant to be, looks like something that came out of a horse's backside mate, its rubbish!" "Look!, auntie Kerri has sent me a drawing!, this family hasn't been so much together since, since, well never!, barbecues and Disneyland can suck on this! This could go on for hours on end, after an hour relatives from Canada could be sending you drawings and I pack it all in after that. Sitting listening to the rain bouncing off the window I'll probably star at it listening to my mum shouting at my granny down FaceTime because of a silly looking drawing of a keyboard, I'll think and ask to myself, where are we going for holiday next summer?,"Mum where are we going next summer for our holiday?" "Gloucester, to see your auntie and uncle, Martin and Sally, they've had a new boy and given it a stupid name, Logan". Don't you just hate it when you ask someone for there name and it's some sort of weird and baffling name like 'Jamie-Lee' or something because what the feck!, Call your blink'n child something originally like Claire or Louise, not that shit. I don't mind foreigners names like 'Chorizo' for Spanish people but come on! Like look at Lara's name for example it's like most teachers called her Laura at the start of the year anyway so why don't you call your child Laura, shes a loner anyway who gives a damn really? "Gloucester!, Did you say Gloucester, I don't want to go feckingggg Gloucester what's it got!, I refuse to go to Gloucester!" My dad will probably reply with,"Don't be an ungrateful brat and go to your room!". I LIKE MY BLIM'N ROOM, IT'S GOT MY COOL STUFF IN IT!!!!! "Right, for doing that your getting an extra hour in your room." I usually just mutter under my breath, "It's like talking to a brick wall". I'm sure we've all just walked out of the door and as soon as we've turned the corner stuck up the two middle fingers and started waving them at your parents through the wall. And that's how it starts, weeks and weeks of crap................ Boosting' classmates A normal morning would usually start with me getting up at 7:00am, getting dressed and packed for school then shortly after leaving for the bus which comes at 8:05am but that's in a parallel universe somewhere out there this is what a normal morning for me is like in this universe. I'll usually start with lying in bed, just so warm in my quilt, comfortable and stress free but then I realise its a Tuesday, "Ah shit!", what feckingggg time is it, "7:30!Mum wake up we slept in!", Ripping the quilt off me I am hit with morning temperature in a caravan, 10°c. You know when you can step outside on cold day and if you breath you can see your breath well that's what I can do inside my cardboard box. "Ok kids get up come on I'm making breakfast it's pancakes this morning!",my mum shouts. "Mum why the feck are you making pancakes we're late as it is!". Bbrrrrmmmmmmmm the blender is under way, loose woman is on, we're going to be late for this bus and my mum hasn't ironed me a shirt what could be worse than this, this is hell!,"Mum what is this shit on television there's 900 channels and you put on this stupidity, come on guide what's on, shit, a load of feck, boring, boring!",as I flick through the channels, all 900 of them. "Nooo it's PE day I haven't got my PE kit packed yet!","right Well I'll do that while you pack your bag and if you have time feed the rabbits!". Quickly getting ready and getting packed I head for the rabbits but become confronted by my sister shouting,"They are my rabbits!","Oh dear, Grace would like to help mummy by finding my trainers because your so good at looking?","No!", soon I'll resort to just picking her up and putting her behind the baby lock and stick on my mums iPod. I'll open the door the room the rabbits have infested and they'll come shooting out," The rabbits are out people!", and with that I hear my mum dressing (or trying to) my sister for nursery and my brother will be running around kamakasi with his gun (firing real pellets sadly). "Right Alex sit down there and be quiet because I'm sick and tired of you!", and with that a pellet goes straight hurtling towards my leg. "That really bloody feckinggg hurt me that you little brat!, I'm going to get you for that one!". "7:55 people!, let's get out this door!","What about breakfast?","Oh feck!". "I cant find the keys!", beep beep beep would be the smoke alarm,"Get the blim'n fire extinguisher quickly!","Where's the rabbits?, and what about the fish!" By this stage I'll. Of walked outside and just relaxed on our swing. After the fanasca of the morning and bus ride I arrive in school, chuck the PE bag down and go chasing people up for money,"Right that's double next week Fergie ok!","Sure thing Simpo I won't forget.","Like you never bloody do.", muttering under my breath. In class assembly, Ethan-Paul will show me pictures of his lovely holiday villa in Florida,"I'm going to staying there for two weeks while you stay in school doing shit, oh I can't wait to go holiday in the sun, with a pool and the food over there Mmmmmmm!". "Shut up Paul, Peter where are you going to next summer?","Portugal for 3 weeks, we will be beside the seaside and have a pool and the sunsets shall be spectacularly fascinating to study in the warm evening breeze." "Hey where are going Andrew?", Peter just has to ask,"I'm going to London the science museum, the RAF Museum and go with my mum to ST Paul's cathedral to study more about the bible.". "Sounds like Feck then because I'm going to Gloucestershire, oh yea!, actually it's going to be terrible! Aaron went to Las Vegas I'm just a hobo compared to him, and all in the right ways I'm sure he probably lives in a big house mine is a caravan, I'm sure his dad is sure to be a layer or something fancy not working at the Tesco meat counter and lives in a nice housing estate not the countryside that smells like cow shat! I would love Abby Neill's life , holidays 7 times a year , a massive house and money to burn! God I would just love her life, own cook,cleaner,maid you name it she has it ! And she acts nothing like a rich bitch(if you get what i mean)!That's what I like in a woman, good body and money (basically all of the above:D) As soon as I win lottery your all invited to a holiday to Las Vegas people. Again I'm actually I'm quite glad and grateful of what I've got because I'm having my 1 of Abby Neill's holiday homes in Spain!birthday party in the Tesco staff canteen thanks to my mum.(invites will be sent later in month) Cheapo deals Nowadays there is either a website or app for everything, there's an app to find your local fast food restaurant, an app to buy train tickets, an app to get cocktail recipes, there's a website to see if someone could ever be your boy/girl friend and of course even a website for holiday deals. I personally use Expedia but there are many more shitty ones out there like Thomas Cook. For example I typed in Las Vegas once and I seen this great deal and it turned out it was in Philadelphia, like what shit is that. The next step for our summer Me and my Grannyholiday is a New Years Party when the whole family comes over and my Granny, who is 54 you know. I've had to sit and listen to some crap Peter has told me over the months and one thing that caught my ear was that his dad is 53, my Granny is 54!, although my granny is a Laugh, she is athletic, outgoing and an adventurous woman once my dad was ill and couldn't take me on a roller coaster and my granny opted for this and she had a ball as well as I did, at my aunts wedding my Granda couldn't dance so I had to, we have a ball sometimes even if it is at that shitty dump called Port-rush. At the party she would say that we should all chip in for a family holiday abroad somewhere and my mum and dad say "Gloucestershire", And me and her are like, "What You can't go there for your summer holiday, I know your away to see your brother but wait until he comes over sure, Why don't we all chip in for a holiday?",She would question. "See this new app I got you can compare deals from about the place and I got this fecking cheap deal from Expedia in the Costa Del Sol in southern Spain so what about there sure?". "Well I suppose it's a villa and a cheap airliner but I still would prefer BA.",my dad would comment. "It's a great deal look at the pool, there's enough room for the kids and even close (About 10 miles away) from Malaga airport, book it come on!". "I'll look into it.", and with that It was obvious we were going on holiday to Spain, CLOSE ENOUGH!!! The Day Before The day before my holiday I'll come walking into school saying "This time tomorrow I'll be in the sky's of Europe.", Watching Chris's and Thomas's teeth grid and I can imagine them saying in their heads, "Just fuck up you stupid knob",I'll be sitting in Maths saying, "This time tomorrow I'm going to be in a pool swimming about!",Jennifer and Joanna will probably have snapped my sunglasses in half by the time the period is over and the best bit rubbing it in Andrew Ruddell's face, "London can suck on this!". Getting to bed slightly earlier that night for the 4:00am flight to Malaga, mum is rushing around making sure every thing is packed,"lilos are in suitcase 1, sun cream is in Alex's bag and , oh hell, Ryan were going to Tesco!", "Why now?", "I forgot to buy snacks!". Pulling into Crumlin tesco is a nightmare, it's a sharp bend and no one slows down going round the other and when some one doesn't stop or slow down my mum will beep the horn and not nice words will be said. When I am sent to grab a trolley I always see trolleys just lying around, abandoned by lazy people, it's the thing that winds me up most in live besides Adam Talbot! Look at this picture for example, It's just pure laziness it's only a 10 yard walk to put it back, me and my mum later had argument with this person. Arriving in the tesco foyer we immediately head for the reduced bay where the donuts are 10p for 5 and there's a trifle (I LOVE fecking trifle) for 35p.My mum works at the meat, fish and cheese counters in the Antrim Tesco extra store (ain't got Lisburn), so if you ever her tell her your a friend mine, but don't be cheeky because she doesn't like cheeky customers. Have you used these new self scan machines when you scan it and handle all the money yourself, well have you realised that the woman sound very like sat nav(mines called Dolly) , who is this woman that voices over everything? The Airport We now come to our last chapter(whoop whoop), this is what everything has lead to, the moment you have all been waiting for, it is, My Granny, My Mum, my dad and Me, in an airport.With us all arriving at the long stay car park we all get some coffee and prepare to go into the sea of ignorant, cheeky and darn right stupid foreigners, "You ready!",My granny would ask,"Oh yeah!","Then let's do this!". Walking carefully up to the doors we take a path with not people on, the whole family in single file, backs against the door because the last thing we need is argument this early in the morning. My dad grabs a trolley and we find our queue,"Ah shit, it's a huge queue!", we don't want a huge queue as it makes more people want to rush to the front of the line. 40mins later we see these Romanian people(you can see where this is going) standing beside us in the queue muttering stuff like "is this the one, I think it is.". They edge in front. The earliest time I can remember of me shouting or getting angry at someone was at You jumped the bloody queue mate, prepare to die!Barry's in Port-rush, it was the bumper cars queue, someone jumped I front, I was only 4 at Jesus he's from Antrim! What have I done?the time, I came up with a devious plan. My mum handled the mother of this child, they where from Ballymena. Back to the Airport, me, my mum and granny looked at each other, my granda kinda edged away, this would get ugly. "It does appear that new people,are in front of us if anyone did release!",I shouted,"it seems there is!" shouted my granny.(My mum had a cold so she sat this one out), The Romanians replied with,"Oh we where hear earlier!",No you bloody weren't, I'd recognise your ugly faces!",Do not speak of my children like that you little bugger!","You do not speak of my Grandchild like!",my granny pushed the trolley into her legs,"And what brings you to Malaga anyway?","Where, we're going to Gatwick.". Me and my granny laughed our heads off, they where in the wrong queue, ha ha ha! "I guess you used Thomas Cook then!". Onboard our flight is the final chapter of my story. You know this 'Speedy Boarding' ( the thing the abby neill has a all year pass for:O) that Easyjet does well when we were at the airport they didn't wait for the speedy boarders, if you where late that was that!, and your probably only going to get off last any way. As we go up in the air food and drink (which has probably come out of a horses back side) goes past Im told never to buy as its a rip off of my money. Arriving in Spain we go through passport control, which is actuality look at your passport than scanning and stamping in the UK border force. Baggage reclaim, bags going around and around never ours just random ones, you can usually see the little man peering through and you just want to go through and punch him most times. I jump straight into the pool when I get there and its an amazing relaxation to just lie in the pool knowing that back home it's raining and everyone else is doing there busy, silly working lives. This is the life! Thee end !!!