So recently, after one too many tequila shots, my male friend-whom was having a rough time with his girly-friend- asked me the age-old question, what do women want?
Now honestly, I am not the greatest woman to ask that question to, seeing how I was raised with all guys, three older brothers, seven uncles, and all of their male friends whom each basically adopted as a baby sister. Therefore, I honest to God had almost absolutely no idea how to answer him. However, after a couple more shots of tequila, too many hot wings to count, and bitter after taste of beer, I had suddenly felt like I was an expert on all things womanly.
I asked my friend if he told his girlfriend that she was beautiful, his reply-with slight slur-was "Of course I do". So asked him how often he told her, I was greeted with silence from him, and a few grumbles from our friends. Then I, being the genius that I am, told him, "Tell her how beautiful she is, every single day. It does not matter if she looks like crap, leftover makeup, slobber on the corner of her mouth and what looks like a scary rendition of a birds nest in her hair. She is gorgeous, she is beautiful, and whatever other compliment you can come up with."
Now I want you to imagine, one really drunk ass girl, who is swaying against a pool table, giving this worldly advice to several guys, who are either just as drunk, or literally three sheets to the wind.
With that being said, it shocked the shit out of me when I realized they were actually listening to me.
After moment of silence, my friends and I all about as shitfaced as possible-fun times--, then my friend asked me how to make it up to his girly-friend. How the hell am I, of all people, supposed to know how a guy 'makes it up to his girlfriend'?
While your girlfriend is cleaning the bathroom-you know you missed the toilet; do not deny it, it was either you or your girlfriend, really, who do you think did it, the ghost, or the dog.?-go into the kitchen and put you list on the refrigerator-no worries gentlemen, I will show the almighty list. Then do yourself a favor, plant your ass on the couch and watch the game. Wait a minute, I don't know about you, but I sense the desire for a beer, but wait, they are all the way in the kitchen. What to do, what to do...
Yes! You have a girlfriend. So be that asshole, call her from the couch and ask her-politely--while she cleans your pee-to get you a beer. Then turn the TV off and wait. Patience is virtue gentlemen.
The list on the refrigerator.
You are the most beautiful woman in the entire world.
I promise that I will try to make it in the toilet.
I know I like playing COD, but I promise I will start spending more time with just YOU.
I WILL do the dishes tonight. Even though you just did them, hell I might do them tomorrow too.
I promise to make it good for you. ;)
I'll rub your back if you need me to. Maybe even your feet.
Your ass looks great in those shorts.
I WILL NOT fart on you again. I promise.
I'm going to start opening the doors for you, everywhere.
I won't get scared. I will buy you chocolate, steak, ice cream, and even tampons.
And hey babe, I love you.
Your to do list.
1. TELL HER SHE IS BEAUTIFUL! It doesn't matter if she isn't, tell her anyway.. You want to know why? Because she can do better than some lazy ass hole who can't remember to tell her she is beautiful.
2. For God sake make in the freaking toilet. Really, it cannot possibly be that hard to do! Aim and Drain. Hold with two hands; if you have put a scope on it. Done.
3. If you are that guy who has COD time, make sure you have STWMGOIPWGL time, (Spend time with my girlfriend or I probably won't get laid).
4. Do the dishes. Enough said.
5. Common courtesy, do not roll over when you're done. Do not start snoring; not unless you want a fork in your throat. In addition, whatever you do, make the time! I refuse to go into detail with you. Figure it out; otherwise, you're girlfriend is going to start getting headaches every night, probably during the day to.
6. If she says her back hurts, or her feet hurt; take a freaking hint, dumbass. Grabbed the lotion; don't tickle her, she's liable to kick you in the face.
7. When, and I do mean WHEN, she asks you if her ass looks big in these pants, refrain from the probably slightly true sarcastic comment you know you want to make. Keep it to yourself. Be a good boy. Tell her, her ass looks great; maybe give it a little smack.
8. Do you have to fart? That's nice. Do not fart in her face though. You may find it funny, but it isn't. Now if you did, just wait, that'll bite you in the ass. You're in bed, what's that smell? It's payback. Whoopsie daisies. Her bad. Smell the roses gentlemen. Enjoy that breeze; take note. You should be proud.
9. You see that door, the one that opens up to McDonalds? Yeah, you took her there for dinner. Whoooo... Now open that door. Don't push her out of the way; be smooth, mosey on over there, casually open the door like you've done it every day. In addition, do yourself a favor, do it every day.
10. The most important rule of the day. I don't know that I've mentioned this before; but us women, we are scary emotional monsters about once a month. DO NOT BE ALARMED! All will end well; hopefully, no guarantees. If she wants ice cream, get it. If she wants a shitload of chocolate, make it happen. She says she feels like she is being pummeled in the ovaries, believe her. Do not question anything she does, aloud-keep it to yourself--, during those seven days.
Do yourself a favor gentlemen and remember this list. Your girlfriend is a gift, cherish her, and treat her like a queen. She is worth it; sometimes.
Kayla, your new buddy, who is a girl.