"Day 2 and we still don't trust the male hooman, we've deployed claws but we seem too weak for now. We liked the female hooman as she brought food we shall make her a slave, or at least kill her last. The male hooman fed us today...he has bought himself time till our claws develop further"
"Day 2 update. The advanced ape left his dwelling but
unfortunately returned. He had with him this contraption and kept
talking to us in a ridiculous tone more fitting to talk to their
own offspring and muttering the words "catnip" shortly after we
began to feel excited and ran around fighting each
We suspect the hooman brought this as a distraction and also drugged us. Clever move hooman but we're on to you"
"Day 3. After spending yesterday either asleep or drugged we
decided to launch an offensive on the night whilst the ape slept.
Our plan was to run around and makes as much noise as possible
and we timed it so that the operation began 5
after he entered his cave.
We made a good start, the toys with the bells, our claws on the laminate floor but something is weird about this ape. Not long into our operation we heard shouts and mumbles from his cave, spiders and crossbows? We are unsure what to make of this at this time but he seems to run about making his own noise on a night. Hmmm.
In the meantime we will think of new plans whilst playing with this contraption, plan B is to keep up with the effort to sit inside the litter tray but shit on the side of it. This seems effective thus far."
"Day 3 update. The hooman knows no bounds to his deceit and lies! He told us were were going to the "vets" and we foolishly thought these would be wise old cats who have faced hoomans in battle and would pass us some knowledge. However what awaited us was another hooman called Dick (note; when we have taken over and the hoomans are kneeling before us we will slay Dick as an example to the rest of them).
Dicks actions amounted to crimes of appalling brutality! First, with the help of our fat ape, we were held down and our claws were trimmed! Our fat ape's noises and mockery to make us sit still during this will be his downfall, however our fury attacks were of no use de-clawed. Then we were injected with something into the back of our necks!, really, this happened! These are the sort of creatures who would cut our balls off given the chance!
Humiliated, clawless and tired from our ordeal all we could manage in retaliation was to shit in our carry box on the way home. The female hooman called Lesley will arrive tonight, hopefully we can divide and conquer them and get the female to attack the ape male. She would certainly win and it would be midly entertaining to see his pain."
"Day 4. Both hoomans left early today and were gone sometime.
Upon returning the female hooman was an attractive brown colour,
the male was a hilarious red colour from exposure to the sun! Oh
how we mocked his pain. We have decided to trywalk,
even with our blunted claws, on the most red areas on his neck
and arms....its the simple things.
We also gained access to the apes information centre today, we thought this was the case due to his frantic defence of something he called the "internet cable" whilst we chewed it. He seems to spend most of his time in here looking at screen which flashes, on said screen is usually pictures of our brethren in humiliating positions or wearing their clothes to which he seems to laugh at. We find this behaviour disturbing. So much so we have taken sentry positions on the opposite table where we will observe and report under the guise of looking cute and sleeping next to each other (as pictured)."
6. Our efforts to divide the hoomans are going well. The female
hooman is starting to fall for Albert who is deploying "calm and
cute" whilst I have deployed "aggressive attack" which is having
the effect of the male ape grappling with me. This is exactly as
planned as when he does this the female hooman becomes annoyed
with the ape.
On a side note we have a startling new tool at our disposal, but not in the way we intended. Albert launched his "rubbing hooman ankles with head attack" whilst giving his best "death roar" however, for reasons not yet known, Albert's glorious death roar, both majestic and awe inspiring was perceived by the hoomans as a "cute purr". Whilst they didn't recoil and vomit through fear as expected it does seem to make them more attentive to us. We could use this in future."
"Day 6 update. We have found access to the apes cleaning room.
This was not a good room to recon with our nose! Curiously the
hoomans litter tray is water and not gravel and is rather noisy,
we dont yet understand how they kick the water
In this room he also washes. Albert and I both chuckled at this set up. They claim to be "higher mammals" but go to all these lengths to clean, why don't they just lick themselves? They also have a mat in here to prevent themselves falling over after cleaning....again, higher mammals?! I doubt it. However this mat has been commandeered for our use now. And after he picks one of us off it and turns his back, the other will run onto it. We continue this till we hear his surrender call of "fine, fuck it sit there"
"Day 7. Whilst Albert and I were engaged in mock combat with each
other last night we decided to analyse the death roar incident
from the other day. We decided that rather than his solo attack,
which was brave beyond words, we should launch
a double attack....a death roar each!
To increase our chances we needed a perfect time to launch. We have observed that the male hooman is particularly stupid on a morning immediately after leaving his cave. Half dressed, confused, unsure which room to visit first. This would be perfect time to strike.
The sun rose and to speed things up we started to warm up by running around like mad with the noisy toys. And then, the moment came....the cave door handle turned...
He stepped out. In tandem Albert and I took to a full sprint. It was beautiful and time seemed to slow. I looked to my right and Albert was in full stride. A glorious image of feline grace and killing potential, my mind was filled with images of black and white striped horses and tall grass and I believed this was a vision from our ancestors. Mere feet away we let out a glorious death roar and slammed our heads into the apes ankles. The power of our death roar alone should have turned him inside out, and our head attack should have sent him down the stairs......but all we got was a "awwwww morning boys! Who's hungry?"
Disaster! How could we fail?!....but the hooman was correct, we were hungry and after eating a mediocre meal from the ape we sat in the sun to contemplate our next move."
"Day 8.......day 8... where to begin. We anticipated an attack
from the hooman after yesterday. But...but this was just
He was doing his normal Wednesday thing of frantically running around in preparation for the female hoomans arrival later. We thought nothing of it and continued our normal sprint and climb training. But he brought out some device. He began to laugh but tried to calm us in that annoying voice he uses, telling us "not to worry" and it "wont be for long"... since when has talk like that with laughter between calmed anything down!
And then he switched it on. What utter calamity! The noise was too much! We ran to our designated regroup area where we normally retreat to then counter attack but the noise was just as deafening here to! Then the ape starts pushing the device around the floor in a chaotic manner, moving chairs, bashing it against walls. Had we not been in our reinforced exfil point we could have been taken out!
After this maddening act he turned it off and came over to use sniggering, almost proud of the fear he inflicted on us, mockingly stroked our heads and said "there, all done"
Day 8 will not be forgotten,
Day 8 the day of the god sundering noise,
Day 8 the day of the hoover."
"Day 9. Last night we decided to step up our efforts to divide
and conquer the hoomans. We needed to make the female fall in
love with us and not the ape. To do this one of us needed to
pretend to sleep on the female hoomans lap.
Neither of us had done this to date and we weren't sure who should take up the role. Clearly Albert was making the best gains with the female after deploying his "cute and friendly" approach but I decided it would stir things up as I think the male prefers me and my fighting ways. What better way to divide than for his rival to steal his woman?
The stage was set. The hoomans were busy watching the flashy screen eating and drinking, suspecting nothing. Albert took up a sentry position and acted as overwatch incase the ape tried anything. Then I made my way up the back of the couch. Before I made my way to the females lap I decided to give a passing insult to the male. I walked over his shoulder and slowly down his chest... revealing the whole of my "under tail" area close to his face...enjoy the crisps ape.
In position and feigning sleep we waited. The female began to whisper "omg!" And a few "awwww". Operation success! She paid no more attention to the ape and instead was giving all her attention to me. If we could keep this up we believe we can use the female as a powerful tool against the male.
To make the night complete we waited for the ape to retreat to his cave then threw up a little food in one corner and then took a shit in the other...mockingly close to the litter tray."
"Day 9 update. Both hoomans arrived today at the same time whilst
we were having a nap. Immediately the male hooman began to plead
for a cease fire. At first we laughed at his attempts and were
going for a coup de grace when he motioned tothe
She looked worn out and that she had bad day and was in pain. The ape mentioned something about WWI and playing football with enemies at Christmas. I didnt quite get it at first but Albert stepped in. A truce has been called.
We have agreed a cessation in hostilities whilst our female hooman recovers from whatever is bothering her. We think the ape has something to with this although we can't prove it. To aid in her recovery we have decided to display our tactics for dealing with pink mice. This makes her laugh and we conclude this must be a good thing."
"Day 11. We suffered a set back last night which was my error.
Despite the truce I decided to launch a small skirmish against
the ape during the night if he decided to leave the cave. Albert
was not happy about this and said he would
to honour the truce and has been particularly comforting to the
I didn't need a big attack against the ape, just a small brawl to make sure he still understood the hierarchy. I waited till 0400 and heard the cave open. No lights were turned on so I relied on my inbuilt night vision....which let me down. Freshly clamped around a hooman ankle, front paws holding and back claws pushing away I started to bite but the taste was different.... and I was met with the voice of the female "hey, hey Isaac stop"
It was the female! Noooo! Friendly fire!
Feeling incredibly guilty I have curled up along side Albert to rest. My night vision is not what it seems."
"Day 13. Its been an eventful day. Firstly the hooman woke up
much earlier than usual and seemed unhappy whilst preparing our
food and cleaning our litter tray. He kept muttering something
about "back to work after 2 weeks" and I almost
to say "err, can you clean our shit without the attitude please!"
But it was early for us too.
He left and was gone most of the day, upon his return he went into his cave and began making a lot of noise. To make sure he knew the truce was over now the female had left we scratched at the door and left a pink mouse outside it....as a warning to show what we are capable of (see attached). But something strange happened....
He began to assemble his disgusting pit in our training area! He was saying that his cave roof has a leak and something about it coming through. Ordinarily such misfortune on the ape would be hilarious, but his pit....in our training room?
Whilst this will obviously affect our regime of training it will afford us the ability to recon him whilst he sleeps, something which has been lacking in our intelligence reports"
"Day 20. We've had to keep communique to a minimum now the hooman
is in our training area. I managed to sneak this report out
without him noticing.
Clandestine operations continue but we almost had a kitten stuck behind enemy lines!"
The ape moved into the kitchen last night to "make a brew" a strange elixir he claims he needs to survive. This strange drink was high on our priority list so we decided that when he went in to this room, Albert would sneak in using his stealth abilities and his completely black camouflage renders him near invisible to the primates sub par eyes. The manoeuvre went well, Albert infiltrated the kitchen around the apes feet without him noticing.
But then a set back, when the ape left and took his brew to his command centre the kitchen door closed behind him! Albert was trapped!
2 hours past and Albert was still there. We've trained for this type of extended manoeuvres in enemy territory and Albert held strong. He knew when the ape had discovered him and re opened the door Albert would need to sprint to escape. He decided, almost in a genius manner, to make himself lighter by shitting in the corner of the kitchen against the door...efficient and insulting...beautiful, all I could to was shit against my side of the door, this iron curtain that descended between us, in solidarity to my trapped brethren.
The hooman walked in and saw our dirty protest, puzzled he asked "where's your brother?" Obviously training kicked in and I refused to answer him. He opened the door and Albert shot out like a cat possessed. Safe again Albert delivered his report. The elixir is created high above where we can access so will have to wait. Quite the close shave last night."
"Day 24. We noticed the hooman regularly leaves the house at set
times. Since most of our attacks don't work inside we decided to
trap the ape outside.
Given the amount he eats we concluded that he must be like a hummingbird, constantly needing to feed and only hours from starvation as he is never out of the kitchen. If we could only trap him outside he would quickly perish. We know he keeps all his shoes on the stairs, we also think these are intentionally placed anti kitten defences as when we are lured by the string hanging from they fall down the stairs taking us with them. But we can use that to our advantage....
Once he had left the home we intentionally triggered one of these traps and it went hurtling down the stairs and behind the door...success! The hooman returned and was trapped behind the door. Oh how we mocked at his cries of "wtf?!" And "the little bastards!" But unfortunately the shoe only held so long and he managed to get an arm in and let himself in....we decided to just sit at the top of the stairs, staring defiantly...he knows."
"Day 27. We have decided to try make a fake bond with the hooman,
a sort of Stockholm syndrome. Once we have the sympathy of him we
may have more room to apply our other means of torture (primarily
our newly sharpened claws).
We have begun to sleep on the hooman, a high risk manoeuvre but one that is starting to make gains. The hooman, despite his "advanced mammal" arrogance is still clearly unaware of our tactics. He believes that we are "kneading" with our front paws and even tried to convince the female this was a "sign of contentment or affection"....affection?! Maybe when his hide is on the floor we'll admire that! In fact he is quite wrong, this kneading is our method of surveying his skeletal structure, organ placement and vulnerable soft spots. Albert found a particularly vulnerable spot yesterday when the hooman was preparing our food with shorts on. He lept up and held firm to the back of his hamstring...apparently this is a vulnerable place for claws.......bwahahaha!
So far we have concluded that the hooman is quite squishy in most places but time should not be wasted attacking the midriff area where his digestive tract is. Although an ideal place to inflict injury, he has built up a large layer of fat here."
http://salicaz.imgur.com/ This is the link to the album