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The Bunny Has To Go

Short story By: Steve Balsky

Fresh for the holiday season, here is a dark comedy tale of some beloved characters....

Submitted:Dec 14, 2013    Reads: 83    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


The Tooth Fairy's wings fluttered with heavy labor due to the snowflakes that had accumulated during her trek to the North Pole. She had travelled all the way from another North, North Dakota to be precise to attend the Meeting. She knew damn well that if she failed to attend, it would have meant her expulsion…permanent expulsion from the crew.

She hovered in the air above the peep-hole of the doorway, her breath faint wisps of smoke emanating from her now purple lips.

After a few timid knocks with her wrists the size of chestnuts, an eye slit finally pulled aside from the solid ice door.

The Tooth Fairy gazed at the eyes appearing through the slit; bloodshot, angry eyes reflecting a life of danger, resentment and abuse.

"What's the password?" the voice croaked, caked with the stench of scotch and stale cigarettes.

"Yesterday is today's tomorrow," The Fairy said at her top effort, but her voice was merely an audible whisper.

The eyes disappeared from the peephole and the giant ice door slid open. A drunken elf stumbled off a series of chairs it had propped itself upon to reach the eye slit level. "You know the way," it grumbled with contempt.

The Tooth Fairy's wings fluttered at double speed now, an aching sensation creeping between her shoulder blades. Faint flecks of snow danced off each beat of her wings like dust.

She made her way along the corridors of the North Pole Office. At the end of the seemingly endless hallway, The Fairy eventually saw the place where she was most required: a long table three feet wide, ten feet long with various characters adorning the sides of the table with one ominous figure at the head.

Her eyes quickly scanned the attendants: all that she expected at the Meeting. Father Time on one side, Baby New Year on the other. The Great Pumpkin on the right trying vainly to swallow a matzoah ball from his bowl of soup to no avail and across from him, the Leprechaun idly smoking his pipe. The rings we blew turned into shamrocks as they danced upwards towards the roof of the icy castle.

At the head sat the Commissioner, The Grand Poobah, The Big Cheese, Di Capo Di Tutti Capo.. Santa Claus himself.

The heavyset man was clad in his traditional red suit with white frills around the neck and sleeves, belly protruding after completing his hearty meal of duck confit and escargots Bourguignonne. Two mean looking reindeer flanked either side of his bejeweled throne.

"Finally you have graced us with your presence," uttered the Big Man sarcastically.

The Tooth Fairy bowed her head in embarrassment and solicitude. "I'm so sorry St. Nicholas.. I had a long way to travel and the weather.."

Santa held up a white gloved paw complete with ruby red pinky ring dazzling in the glare of the ice. "Spare me the excuses and let's get on." She dutifully placed her cold lips on the ruby ring as a sign of respect.

Everyone at the table sat erect in their seats as the Tooth Fairy fluttered down to the seat beside the Pumpkin. Her wings groaned with fatigue.

"What took ya so long? Kid had a root canal?" hissed the Great Pumpkin.

"Now, now settle down," said Santa. "This most important summit meeting can finally be in session."

The Big Man laboriously pulled his frame from his chair and begin to walk slowly around the perimeter of the table.

"I needn't remind you why you are all here," he began. "You all took an oath. An oath to the Claus Cause."

The Tooth Fairy shuddered. She remembered the day all to well.. being called into Santa's quarters oh so many decades ago. She recalled having the picture of a small child placed into her tiny hands and then set on fire as she frantically switched the flaming photo from palm to palm. She vividly recalled the oath, "May I burn like this child if I ever betray the Claus Cause…The Brotherhood of Children's Fictional Characters." She knew she was in..or out in a bodybag.

"The bunny has to go," said Santa bluntly.

Silence penetrated the room. The Leprechaun nearly dropped his pipe. The Baby New Year farted. Father Time didn't even regard his watch. This was shocking news indeed.

"You mean..Easter?" the Tooth Fairy timidly queried.

Santa whipped around to face her, his thick chins rippling in the process. "Of course I mean the Easter Bunny! Who else is there? The 'Silly Rabbit Trix are for kids' bunny? That guy's a fucking lunatic!"

The Leprechaun ran a hand along his fuzzy red beard. "What in blazes did the boy do?"

"WHAT?" bellowed Santa. "What indeed. This is the question. Boozy.." He gestured a thick arm towards the elf with the blood shot eyes.

Boozy sauntered forward, almost stumbling over his feet causing an awkward chime to be elicited from the bells on arms of his cap. "Here ya go, boss."

The elf placed a USB data traveller into Santa's paw.

The Big Man made his way over to his laptop and with some effort, managed to place the device successfully into the female slot. "I had Boozy wear a wire at the Teamsters Local Union Holiday Meeting" he started. "Let's hear what turned out."

Everyone at the table listened with rapt attention. Here is what they heard.

Easter Bunny: (clearly inebriated) It'sh all a buncha bullshit!

Boozy: What is pal?

Easter Bunny: The holidaysh..the way we ish lying to dem kidsh..makin' they believe in us…we don't really exist..I mean c'mon. Let'sh go public with it. End da bullshit.

Santa hit the "stop" key. "Talk like that will not be tolerated! Especially in public forums. If he went public..we're through." He began to waltz around the table again. "Our existence is the faith and belief children have in us. We have sworn to uphold that belief. Look what we can stand to lose," He began to count off his gloved fingers that appeared to be like sausage digits.

"Green beer…dough from the Fairy.. more milk and cookies than I can handle..candies from the Pumpkin..too much loss amigos. Too much loss."

Father Time placed his watch in his pocket of his white robe. "Aw, what the hell did he ever bring to the table? Decorated eggs? Who gives a shit?"

Santa lunged over and grabbed the senior by the throat causing his eyes to bulge. "What about the crème eggs? The PAAS decorating kits..the Egg hunts? Huh? Forget about those? Those spell money old timer! CASH!"

He let go of the old man's throat causing him to stumble off his chair into a pathetic mess of white linen on the ice floor.

"Anyone else have anything to say?' Santa said, his eyes afire.

The Tooth Fairy held up a hand timidly. "We can save him."

The Great Pumpkin snorted, causing a seed to fly across the table.

Baby New Year grunted and lit a cigarette.

Santa glared at the Fairy. "Explain yourself!" he boomed.

"Well," she began, "I mean, he's been alright until now. Let me talk to him. He's a friend of ours. Straighten him out and bring him back to what the cause is all about. I think he'll be alright. Besides, who would you have gotten to carry out the hit?"

The reindeer on the right's nose turned crimson.

"Easy Rudy," said Santa calmly. "Okay Fairy, you raise a good argument. I will give the bunny a second chance..if and only if he cleans up his act and does not speak about his feelings publicly again. I mean ever. There could be Feds around next time."

"Duly noted," said the Fairy. "You can count on me."

With a bang of a plastic gavel the Meeting was adjourned. All made their way back to their respective vehicles to carry on their fictional ways. The Fairy took off with a renewed sense of meaning straight into the chilly night air, off to Boston, Massachusetts to find her old buddy the Easter Bunny and tell him the story of how she saved his life.



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