People often ask me the question, how was your childhood? When I say often, what I really mean is I've been asked a couple of times, I'm not constantly flocked by hundreds of people eagerly awaiting the answer to whether my sixth birthday party was considered a success - I can tell you now it wasn't, it was shit. From the few who have asked this question I have given them an example of my childhood, and then allowed them to decide how it was. I will share this story with you. One time walking home from school, through the rough streets of Norwich, I experienced a monstrosity, I could barely believe what my eyes were showing me, It was one of those things that, as a child, you should never have to experience. It's hard just to think back to that terrible day, and I can honestly say that it has haunted me ever since. After school whilst walking home, I look up from the crumbling pavement, which I had been staring at idly whilst walking down the street, and instantly wished that I had not averted my gaze from the pavement. VROOOM! A single car powers through a red light carelessly, and yes there was nobody even near the crossing, but that's not the point. This wild, reckless (probably female) driver had openly broken the law, right in front of my eyes. As a child of fifteen years I should never have been allowed to experience this horror - that is why to this day I have never spoken to my parents, if this was the kind of thing they were going to expose me to, they obviously did not love me.
I know that you, the reader, will have come to the same conclusion about my childhood as I have myself. But if you believe that this was bad, I have a more vivid and brutal experience from my childhood, that will reinforce the already solid conclusion you will have come to about my childhood. Through my youth I had a job as a paperboy, it wasn't fun but it paid for my subscription to 'Redhead's who eat too much cabbage' - (It's a magazine about nutritional diets for ginger rabbits, in case you didn't know, I didn't really enjoy the magazine, but I had no idea how to cancel the subscription and had very few friends, so it helped pass the time.) Anyway one day I walked into the shop to collect my papers and overheard something that still makes me sick to this day. The conversation was between the shop owner and a customer, and goes as follows; "That will be £7.42 please sir" says the Shop Owner politely, "Why do I always put my wallet at the bottom of my bag?" mutters the customer to himself, a small smile comes over the shop owners face, amused by the customer, "Here it is... I'm ever so sorry I only have £7.40, shall I put something back?" asked the customer awkwardly, "Don't worry about it sir, it's only 2pence" answered the pleasant shop owner, "Thank you" replied the customer, he paid and left. I was outraged, I stormed up to the shop owner and asked why he let the customer off 2pence, he told me that it's not a big deal it's only 2pence. The guy was a fucking moron, how could he run a shop based on such loose principles, I mean to allow someone to not pay the full amount is idiotic. I handed in my resignation the next day. I wrote, and I quote 'I'm sorry it had to come down to this, but I do not feel that I share the same views as the company, and can no longer work on your behalf, therefore I will work out my notice which I believe is one day, and leave to fulfill other ambitions.' The point of this story is that, this shop owner was one of my role models, and therefore should be setting examples for me, teaching me how to be a good person, but I could see that this shop owner was someone that I could not have in my life, his lacklustre approach to life was not one I would be following.
Now, I know what you are thinking, how did I manage to survive this rough childhood. Well I will tell you how. Regular Masturbation.