A spot of excitement in Low Street this week.
Dental practitioner, Ron Perfect has opened a new private dental surgery called 'Perfect Smile' for all the toothy villagers of Vernham.
To celebrate the opening of this much needed service, Ron is offering special 'one week only' offers such as 'Buy one get one free extractions'. Many of the village folk have seen this offer as an absolute bargain and have really gone to town on their purchasing. Patients with plenty of money and an equal number of teeth have walked out toothless; other patients with an odd amount of teeth have walked out with one tooth remaining. Ron has an impressive range of easy to afford dentures too!
The subject of dentures has been a bit of a sore point for Ron this week; offering a deep clean gnasher bath as a service for those who can't be bothered to pop their dental castanets into a good old glass of Steradent overnight. It all went wrong when he gave his new and lazy assistant, Sandra Betweather, the job of cleaning the customer's dentures. Rather than cleaning the false teeth individually, Sandra used a large cake-mixing bowl and dropped the lot into the cleaning fluid. Unfortunately, Sandra forgot to label the sets of dentures individually with the customer names, so identification was difficult. After trying each set of false teeth until they found the correct pair, it took almost four hours for the customers to find their own sets of teeth.
Added to that, one of the small boys of the village who had seen the bowl of dentures through an open window while sneaking around the rear of the dental surgery, dropped a pair of joke clockwork dentures that he had previously stolen from Cecil Twill's toy shop 'Vernham Playtime' into the aquarium of pearly white and pink plastic piranhas. This clever little wind-up toy, activated by pressing down on the top with firm pressure, ended up in the unfortunate mouth of gin swigging pensioner, Nelly Birdham. The joke dentures were a tight fit for Nelly's tiny mouth, she was forced to endure full two teeth chattering minutes before the clockwork mechanism had wound down. Ron Perfect did attempt to disgorge the frantic clacking plastic teeth, but gave up after almost losing a finger.
You'll be pleased to hear that Sandra Betweather was given immediate dismissal; you won't be so pleased to hear that she has applied for job as brain surgeon's assistant!
Other than that, Perfect Smile has been a relative success for Ron. One customer, Greedy Griff Johnson, was completely satisfied after having his tartar-encrusted teeth de-scaled by Ron. Griff was particularly impressed that Ron had removed an annoying chicken wishbone that had been embedded between two molars which had given him jip for the last eight years!
This has been Phil Gonad, reading the news to you from the comfort of his lavatory seat…Goodbye!