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Rock 'n' Roll Insecticide

Short story By: Vernham Chronicles
Humor



Rock star Tricky Turnspike, Vernham's only real success, shoots a pop video with his band The Transincidentalvestites in the city of Busted. In true Rock and Roll spirit, things go very wrong!


Submitted:Mar 6, 2014    Reads: 124    Comments: 1    Likes: 1   


ROCK 'N' ROLL INSECTICIDE

Tricky Turnspike, Vernham's answer to a melange of Rock Stars, such as Elvis Presley, Alice Cooper, Iggy Pop and little bit of Don Van Vliet thrown in for bad measure, chose a studio in the City of Busted to shoot a new video to promote his latest single 'Rock 'N' Roll Insecticide (We Gonna Kick Out The Jams!)'

He took his controversial bunch of hooligan band mates 'The Transincidentalvestites', along to the film studio Vaseline Lens which is more famous for filming children's short films than pop videos; but they had all the latest digital technology and offered very reasonable rates.

Tricky Turnspike is probably the only real success to have come out of Vernham. It is unlikely for most Vernhamites to venture out of the village. Indeed, to some, any villager that has ventured out to Busted on the bus gets treatment of special respect on their return to the village, as though they had been on an expedition or safari!

Therefore, the fact that Tricky has somehow managed to become well known in the USA deems him the status of an astronaut in Vernham's eye!

So what is Tricky Turnspike and the Transicidentalvestites style of music? Well, think of three different Captain Beefheart songs played together at the same time, add lots of distortion to the overall mix and you're almost there. Tricky describes himself and his four octave vocal range as the Robert Fripp of the voice. One moment he will be singing from the depths of Barry White's trousers; and then without notice, change to Pinky or Perky. When double tracking in the recording studio he becomes Pinky and Perky!

Many youngsters for some reason enjoy this terrible cacophony. Definitely, Tricky's image has been a big selling point; his giant sized hair lacquered quiff is the most significant part of his appearance. His hairstyle is very similar to a jet-black beehive; Tricky is only 5 feet 8 inches, but the addition of the quiff makes him a good nine footer!

He also wears Braeburn sunglasses that have lenses the shape of apples and a lot of mascara on his eyes!

His band The Transincidentalvestites are a motley mob. Think The New York Dolls and you're only half way there to silliness; Spink Tiddlebang (Bass Guitar), Juicy Fruitface (Rhythm Guitar), Hideous Mascara (Lead Guitar, comb and tissue) and Frumpy Bumcheeks (Drums, Percussion and Biscuit tins) are almost clones of Tricky, but aren't allowed to grow quiffs, no one upstages Tricky!

Tricky's band have all been victims of the Rock and Roll lifestyle at some point; in particular drummer Frumpy Bumcheeks who has been in and out of rehab for his battle with addiction to Jelly Beans. It was uncertain whether Bumcheeks was going to be well enough to shoot the new video, and at one point the band were looking for a stand-in drummer to cover the most important role of the rhythm section. Tricky had been given the heads up that Colin Phillips of the prog rock band Leviticus was looking for something to do between band and solo albums, but he had heard of Phillips' reputation as a happily married man and decided to look elsewhere.

Fortunately, Bumcheeks was well enough to record the drum track for Rock 'n' Roll Insecticide, so his brief hiatus between the recording and the video shoot went reasonably without notice.

The song Rock 'N' Roll Insecticide (We Gonna Kick Out The Jams!) is just a small section of a concept album called 'Vespula Vulgaris - The Attack of the Black and Yellow Striped Assassins'. The concept was originally inspired by an occurrence at a free outdoor gig in Frimton Park near Vernham, when local villager Mickey Farshott, was incessantly chased by an angry wasp until sundown.

Vespula Vulgaris is a song-story about Planet Earth suffering an invasion from a swarm of mutant megawasps masterminded by the wicked Emperor Sting, and it is Tricky and his Trannies duty to rid the planet of these gargantuan insects. Emperor Sting is also played by Tricky, his jet-black beehive hairstyle transformed into a wasp tail with yellow stripes and a set of lacy wasp wings protruding from the sides for added effect.

Using feedback from their guitars and the masterstroke, Tricky's Electric Plank lapsteel guitar, the wasps are destroyed in their hundreds. If only life was as simple as that when you're trying to enjoy a lovely strawberry jam sandwich on a hot September's day!

Rock 'n' Roll Insecticide (We Gonna Kick out the Jams) is the climax of 'Vespula Vulgaris - The Attack of the Black and Yellow Striped Assassins' album, and the video shoot promised to be outrageously different with its digital technology; giant wasps and scenery backdrop would be superimposed. A 3D version was also planned if sales of the single soared.

It all went wrong when Tricky Turnspike and the Transincidentalvestites shot the closing section of the video.

As Tricky spat out the lyrics:-

We ain't got time to wait,

We're so full of hate.

It's time to use the bait,

We gonna kick out the jams*!

Rock and Roll insecticide,

Rock and Roll insecticide,

Rock and Roll insecticide,

We gonna kick out the jams*!

The band kicked over a stack of catering size strawberry jam jars; the idea behind this was that the superimposed mutant megawasps would be attracted by the sweet sticky red preserve as it oozed out from the smashed jars. Then the band would subdue the wasps with loud crashing chords and feedback to confuse them, whilst Frumpy Bumcheeks bashed frantically on his drum kit. Once subdued, the wasps are exterminated by an ultrasonic slide from Tricky's electric plank!

The end of video was supposed to show Emperor Sting committing suicide by injecting himself with wasp venom, not able to come to terms with his defeat.

Lead guitarist Hideous Mascara, became very excited and threw his guitar skyward, crashing through the ceiling.

Tragically, unbeknown to all present, real wasps had crawled in through a vent and built a nest above the ceiling. This unexpected intrusion angered the wasps; soon the studio filled with the noise of buzzing and screaming as everyone ran around being stung.

After the studio sued the band for damages and cause of unnecessary trauma due to the studio manager suffering a nasty case of anaphylaxis; Tricky and his Trannies threw in the towel and shelved the concept album.

The world of Rock music is poorer for loss of a unique concept album that threatened to rival others such as 'War of the Worlds', Quadraphenia and The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway - Thank goodness for that!

*Jam is a British fruit preserve known in the USA as Jelly. Jelly in Britain is a clear fruity, wobbly desert made with gelatine, known as Jello in the USA. I make no apology for that!





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