Remember when I told you that nothing surpises me anymore? Yeah,
disregard that last comment.
"Say WHAAAAT?" I said in surpise.
"Oh, never mind that," Lance said hastily. "I still haven't shown
you the best part yet."
"It better not be like that last one," I said sarcastically to
Lance as we walked through the crowds.
"Oh, you mean me?" A voice said enthusiastically behind me. I
looked back and it was Casey, struggling to catch up. "I already
know the secret. Don't worry about it, Waylon. This is gonna be
the best thing ever!"
"Shut up Casey,"Lance scorned. He was leading ahead of us. A few
minutes later, we found ourselves at the stage. Lance held the
curtains up and ushered us inside. The inside of the stage was
always cramped because special Ed math classes took place there,
and the school was too low-budget to place it anywhere else.
Lance led us to the back of the stage, where there was candy
wrappers on the floor and a huge lever I hadn't noticed before.
Lance addressed it. "This lever is supposed to open the roof to
the attic, where tons of glitter are supposed to be dropped down
on the crowd at the end of the party." Lance said with a slight
I didn't get it. "Yeeaah, soooo?"
Casey spoke up, still panting from getting through the crowd.
"Sooooo, me and Lance ventured back into the toilet and put
Connor's poop in there!"
Okay - Now I have offically seen it all.
"So when the lever gets pulled...." I trailed off.
"Yep." Said Lance and Casey at the exact same time.
"Why not pull it now?" I asked. "Pull it now! Pull it now!"
"See? This kid knows what he's talking about." Casey walked next
to me and put her arm around me. "I tried to get Mr. Poopypants
here to pull it, but he was too much of a crybaby to agree."
I hate to say it, but I agreed with Casey. Dumping pieces of crap
over the crowds - Freakin' awesome!
"Well, that's a majority," I said.
A few seconds of complete silence followed this.
Then a new song started to play over the loudspeaker: Lady Gaga -
Lance finally gave in. "Fine, but we do it together."
So we all placed our hands on the levers and pulled at the same
I smelled it before I saw it. A full ocean's worth of huge
poop-logs and diarreah came crashing over the crowd, and then the
poop-water level rose to the ceiling. It made a huge ocean-like
swishing sound and gave you the impression of orcas at SeaWorld.
The smell was overwhelming and the few kids that floated to the
top of the poop-pool were knocked out by the smell, so they were
just floating uselessly.
Casey was the first to speak. "WHAT THE BLEEP?! I THOUGHT WE ONLY
PUT LIKE A COUPLE POUNDS OF POOP IN THERE!" She was screaming in
"What happened?! Lance looked gobsmacked. And yes, that is a
A few seconds later, Connor's ghost appeared again. "Oh God guys,
I am sorry! My toilet up in heaven got clogged and the plumber
isn't coming for the next hour and I needed to take a big-ass
shit and the only option was the school attic!!" He said quickly.
"People are drowning beneath our very feet!" Lance said
Connor, however, was trying to look on the bright side.
"Well, I guess it isn't all bad. You could go swimming."
Casey's eyes widened. "OH MY GOSH! Why didn't I think of this
before?!" She stripped down to her underwear and bra and dove
into the poopy water. I jumped too, but for a different reason. I
knew there were two double doors that led outside at the other
end of the auditorium. If I could just get there, I could open
the door and the poop would spread outside. Poker Face turned out
to be a good beat to swim to, so I was making pretty good
progress. But then something grabbed my leg and I went under. The
water was murky, so I just tried to swim back up, but I was
already floating down. The surface was like a good fifteen feet
from me already. I had already lost a good deal of air, and the
edges of my vision were tunneling, but then I felt something lift
me back up on the surface. It was Connor! He was floating. I
suddenly noticed that the air was strangely calm. It hit me that
Casey wasn't swimming. I looked back at the stage, but Lance just
stood there, loking mortified and confused. I turned around again
and asked Connor, "Wait - Where's Casey?
"A few minutes before you were going underwater, Casey went
underwater and never came back up. She drowned."
Before I had time to react, Lance screamed, "What?! This can't be
happening. That kind of stuff only happens in lame stories
written by immature 12 year olds!" He paused. "Screw this! I'm
diving in to find her!" And with that, he dove into the poopy,
Connor and I waited for what seemed like FOREVER. Finally we both
realized that Lance wasn't coming back up.
"Oh shiz!" Connor muttered, looking at his wrist, even though
there wasn't a watch there. "Craap, I gotta pay the repair dude!
Have any cash on you?"
"Yeah, I have a couple," I said, reaching into by pocket, but the
next thing I know, I'm underwater again and I was unable to see
anything. I felt Connor's hand in my pocket and pull out the only
money I had. Then he dissapeared and I was left there. I still
had plenty of air, but I knew I wouldn't be alive for long.
What a way to go, I thought. Mugged by a ghost and left to die in
a room filled with diarreah and stinky poop.
Bodies started to float toward me. I recongized Casey's body. Her
hair was floating up and she was wearing the burglar costume. I
noticed she randomly had goggles in her pocket, so I plucked them
out and put them on my eyes. Half of them were filled with water,
but at least I could see with the other half. Then I noticed
familiar faces. Connor's body. Harry's. Sean's. Herman's. How did
they get here?
And then it hit me. The sewers must have overflooded somehow. And
that means the rest of the sewer water was heading straight
foward. I already heard the muffled roar of toilet water. My
vision tunneling again, I quickly located the double doors and I
hung on to the doors for dear life, because the roar was getting
louder and my vision was almost gone.T hen I heard and felt a
huge WHAMP and then everything went black.
When I opened my eyes, at first I didn't know where I was. But
then I blinked and sat up, and I realized I was on the roof of
the school. Bodies littered all around me. I averted my eyes, and
instead focused on curling my toes and arms to make sure they
weren't broken. Then I stood up and looked at the horizon. The
entire city must've been flooded with poop, because it looked
like the whole place must've been swamped. I skidded down the
roof and decided to go to the subway. Halfway through the walk
there, I spotted a group of searchers, yelling and blowing their
whistles. I knew if I revealed myself to them, I'd probably have
to go to some stinky foster home. So I stayed hidden behind some
rubble. I used a briefcase to cover up most of me. I know it's
pathetic, but it was a big briefcase and they were really far
away, anyway. Once they'd detoured into a different alley, I
snuck over to the downtown part of town and I walked as quietly
as I could. Once I snuck into the subway, I knew this wasn't
gonna be a great temporary home for me. About 10 kids and their
families had hid here too, along with my mom and dad and a few
other adults. My parents rushed over to greet me with hugs,
kisses, and disturbing squeezes.
"Hey, little girl. What's in the case?" Some random dude asked
I had almost forgotten about it. Then a fat guy came over to me
and said, "OH MY JESUS! Open that case, there might be food."
I opened the case as quick as a bunny. The case was wet and loose
from the flood. Inside was a simple, unmarked laptop with a video
on it of some guy taking a huge dump.
The other victims might not have been very interested in the
computer, but I sure was. Not because I could surf the net or
anything like that. The internet was down anyway. It's actually
something a little more personal.
You see, over the course of a couple of days, I got an idea. A
really, really, awesome idea. A 1,1671 word idea.
Do you want to know what it was?
Well, you, my friend, have just finished reading it.