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Not Strictly Old Testament

Short story By: Wilbur
Humor



A rant that seemed to come out of nowhere yet one that has drawn on thoughts and feelings seeking at last, an outlet. Perhaps not absolutely correct -- and yet,'tis a rant,and rants don't take too much notice of what's correct.


Submitted:Nov 26, 2011    Reads: 28    Comments: 1    Likes: 3   


Not Strictly Old Testament

Oh yeah, there's a lot of bible thumping goes on here in my in-law's house. My mother-in-law, Ma Oddly... . What? Oh. No. Not being disrespectful. That's her real name. Right enough. Married to Eubie Oddly when she was a girl. With him for more'n fifty years. 'Til he died of gerd. Oh, gerd. Well gerd's an in the throat-thing, you know. Food can't get all the way down and won't come all the way up. Lotta acid. You sorta choke on it. And then can get cancer and die. At least, he did. Anyway, Ma Oddly, you'll have to get used to her. She'll thump her bible on the table when she thinks she isn't being heard. And her being heard doesn't happen nearly often enough, according to her. Lotta table thumping once she gets going. Does it to emphasize what she's saying and does it to startle the kids so's they'll get out from under the table, does it to kind of call everyone to order - does it a lot.
Now, Lucius, her new tag-along boyfriend, tends to use his bible to thump the kids on the head whenever he thinks he's not being heard, which is most of the time. He's right. Most nobody listens to him. The kids have gotten right quick on their feet so he's usually left bashing at the air where a kid's head was. But it's not so much the bible as an actual material thing, a book itself, I'm aiming at here as it is the topics of discussion the insides of a bible can engender. Hey, that engender - that's a right funny word when you look at it and think on it, which seeing it in black and white somehow forces on you. Makes you think. Since gender is still such a raging issue with some folks. And that word and the way it looks is intriguing, with the "en" in front of the "gender." 'Cause I looked it up and how it's defined is as, when you cut to the chase, because dictionaries and whoa, never mind thesauruses, are real wordy buggers, yeah, well, anyway, "begetting," that's the compact definition of "engender." Well and then it's just a short hop to looking up the word "gender" itself. Which, if you do, it's weird as all hell because there is a grammatical gender. Did you know that? Yuh, well, I know now that I'd heard about it, but it's not one of those things that rides on top of my mind, waiting for me to use it. But if you do look it up, just to get real clear on it, its pretty weird. It refers to nouns and only nouns which can be masculine, feminine, common, or neuter. Well, hot damn. Now masculine and feminine and neuter - that'a all clear enough, even neuter, though that's not the original packaging, so's to say, but rather something that's done, but, so those're all like people; but then you come to "common" and that's defined as prevalent or universal. Well .. say, I thought - having been provoked now - what if homosexuality of whichever sex were to be the common or prevalent or universal sexual expression? I mean take color - another bible thumping idea - though I don't believe there are any stories in there about color - isn't this world heading for a skin color just slightly off the good sun tan variety? I mean humans are mixing it up, white with black with yellow with brown with red. When you get done doing all that mixing, you're never gonna have to hit the beaches because you're "white" - because none of us humans will ever be white again. Wonder what happens to albinos, then? Well, a question for another time. We got enough on our plate right here right now. And as to the grammatical gender thing - I think it's prescient. I think it's called the shot for people in the future, we just haven't followed the clues and read the definitions with clear enough eyes. Oh-oh. Ma Oddly don't like that I've been monopolizing you. She's banging that poor bible on the table again. Besides, she's not a fan of discussing the sexes. Likely to spell it out if forced to use the word. Says that's for the kids. So they don't hear it and ask about it. I think it's the hisses you have to make when you say the word. Too close to the snake and the apple and the - well, you know - that loss of innocence otherwise known as f---ing. And don't let her get started on the mixing and matching of genders outside the one man one woman design, let me tell you. That table or anything else around, including you, was you to talk it up, would get a lotta thumps. And color? Whuuufff - don't go near it, girlie, not with asbestos clothes on. Not around Ma Oddly. Anyway, as I was saying, it's the ideas people get from the stories in the bible that sets off, let us say, rather heated discussions, especially around Ma Oddly's family table. Discussion really means thumping her idea of the ideas she thinks are in the bible stories, as translated and then interpreted and then re-translated and re-interpreted by various folks at various times in various ways, and, dare I say, for the various and sundry fulfillment of their own particular desires and moments? and she'll be thumping those ideas - or her idea of those ideas, etc. etc. - into whoever happens to be within ear-shot. When you're on the wrong side of Ma Oddly, you're likely to get thumped with how you're going to be swallowed into the belly of a whale, like Jonah, I believe it was, who had to sit in that whale's belly and listen to it bellyache like I have to sit there and listen to Ma Oddly. "Eaten up by them turrible juices", she'll shout, "while you live, in agony, to regret your un-Christian ways!" Look old lady, I tell her, there hadn't been no Christ at that time, so there ain't no Christians to be had, fed to fishes or not, and if you're gonna jump to "un-Godly", I gottsa say that if being shoved down the maw of a huge damned animal like a whale and living to talk to you about it isn't right squarely in the province, and ONLY in the province of some God or other, then it's gotta be an Alien who dreamed it up because that's the only thing I can think of that'll top your God. OR Christ. Even if He walked on water, an Alien'd scare him into sinking, I do believe. But she'd gone off just as soon as I started back-sassing her. Hasn't got the appetite for eating what she dishes out. And isn't that the way? People do as they do, which is as they want, and tell you to do as they say. I figure if what they say is supposed to be all powerful and Godly, what ails them that they aren't doing it? Well, I know. Of course I do. They don't do it any more than I do. 'Cause that was God's idea, to make us all flawed. We don't live by words. We live by thumps and big beef roasts and lots of liquor. All God's work. If you buy that bible stuff, you gotta acknowledge that God, whoever or whatever he or she - yup, I don't figure anyone got a clear view yet of whether it's gonads or bubbies goin' on offer with God - Moses didn't say - and I've known some women could think up heinous things to do to humans, mean things, sneaky things. At least men come right at you. Women never got over being made of a rib. And who's to say that isn't "in the image of God"? A rib? No. I don't mean a rib! Does a woman look like a rib to you? No. I mean why isn't a woman the image of a Herself? I've lived a bit and I know that whoever is running this show has a black evil wild and weird sense of humor that's equal to that blindfolded lady holding the scales of justice. I figure she's blindfolded so she can feel when the scales are even and not tipped one way or the other, but it's a peculiar way to determine how an even-steven comes to be. What if she sways? What if she gets an itch? That's why I say the God is too human and is maybe a homosexual, tan, Alien, really. Why not? My wife likes to say, "the Universe." Well, that's a nice cop out. Her Ma, Ma Oddly, doesn't accept it as a "it'll do fer" to replace her bible thumping stories of her GOD, let me tell you. Uh-oh. Dinner bell - well, yes, gong - big old wild ass gong. No, you're right, its a piece a sheet iron - yeah, a pretty big-sized piece - and Hymie just smashed it with his hammer. - Huh? Hymie? Who is he? He's Ma. Oddly's son. No no, she wasn't married to a jew, SHE named him. Yeah. Hymie. Just like it sounds. Looks, she calls Jesus a mensch. Well, she says, "He was a Jew, wasn't he? He never named anything Christian or Christianity, did he?" No. He didn't. She says it was his fan base did that. In fact, she doesn't do the New Testament. She says Jesus was a mensch and a goodie-goodie. God's only begotten. So wha'does he need with her? Besides, she says, there's better teaching dramas in the Old Testament. Says she'd "rather hear from the Old Man himself, not sonny." Which is how she is about Hymie. Nah. He's deaf. He doesn't know she doesn't listen and he doesn't have to listen to her. Guess he's truly blessed. Well, that's her, like I said - Christ! OW - Wow! Hymie's pissed. He's really whaling that sheet iron. We'd better get going. She'll be putting the roast on the table. You like roast beef? Yeah? Well, you're gonna love this one. No fatted pig on this table. Strictly kosher. Nah, I told you, she's NOT Jewish. ...





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