And next up is Yoshie Akira with a comedy routine.
*I come out on stage with the mic.*
Hey, everyone. I don't know if any of you heard this or not, but I'm going to do a comedy routine. But right before I came on, I decided not to, so we're going to get serious.
We're going to talk about dentists.
I don't know if any of you agree with me, but they should all be arrested. They're all evil.
Mine is so evil. I don't know if any of you guys have the same dentist as me, but he likes to stick torture devices into my mouth. He literally shoots me up so my face swells up on one side -- just one side -- to destroy my outer beauty. And then comes the hooks and the drowning stuff.
He likes to -- now this is the part where I decided that they should be arrested: He starts a conversation with me while he has the torture devices in my mouth.
*deep voice* "So, what grade are you in?"
*normal voice* "Nahaaahaho."
*deep voice* "Oh, that's cool. What do you like to do?"
*normal voice* "Ah haha oo aw ah eye." And the weird thing is, he understands everything I say. He has become fluent in the Novacain language over the years that he has been a dentist. I hate the dentist. I'm always scared that he'll sneeze or cough while he's drilling or something and seriously mess up. Wouldn't that be awful?
Now I have a hole in my tongue. It's awful.
I remember once when I went to the eye doctor with my younger brother. He had already gone before me, and he told me that the eyedrops that they put in burned really badly. And I didn't believe him. I told him that he cries when he gets water in his eyes (and he does!) because he's a big baby.
So I was in the chair, right, and the nurse came in and put some eyedrops in. I didn't really give enough thought when I noticed that the lid to the dropper was red and she handed me a Kleenex. And she put them in my eyes, turned off the light, and left, and my mom and brother were in the room with me, right?
I turned to my brother, I said, "See? It doesn't burn at -- OH, MY GAWD!!!!" *Put face in hands while doubling over.* "IT BURNNSS!!!! AAAAAAGGGHH!! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME???!!!" And they're laughing at me! They're laughing at my pain! It's like, they're so horrible. Laughing at my agonizing pain and suffering...
*people clapping and cheering*
I feel like a movie star right now. Is that how they feel? Like they walk out onto the stage and everybody just loves them, all clapping and cheering. But one thing I never got: Why do they call them "stars"?
I mean, a star is just a hot, burning ball of gas in outer space that will eventually collapse and take everything down with it...Oh, I just got it! Ha!
I hate safety pins.
I always get them mixed up with completely unrelated but holdy-together things.
"Hey, does anyone have a paper clip -- I mean, bobby pin -- I mean, Tesla coil -- I mean, SAFETY PIN I can borrow?"
Safety pins aren't very safe at all. I always end up stabbing myself with it. They're like, teeny-tiny weapons. I think the Three Mouseketeers unfolded one and just used that as their swords. I don't know. Needle, maybe.
I think women shouldn't have kids after 35. *crowd goes silent* I mean, maybe it's just me, but I think 35 children are enough. I think 1 is enough. *laughter*
Yeah, you thought I meant something else, right? Haha.
It's just about time for me to wrap up my act, so I have one final joke...
On a job application, it always asks who they should notify if an emergency were to happen. I always put DOCTOR. What's my mother going to do about it if I had a freak hamburger-flipping accident and I'm bleeding out on the floor?
All right, I gotta go. Thank you and good night!!
*cheers/applause as I walk back out and collapse onto the floor from heat stroke under the stage lights* lol