" DISRESPECT ME "
During the course of my incarceration I have been involved in countless relationships, A few which have led to several of my horribly failed marriages. On the positive side unlike traditional dating you can really get to know someone in the time it takes to go through the courting process, then the added waiting time between getting a marriage approved, then solemnized.
It often takes over a year before your able to go on a trailer to consummate your marriage . Its only then you realize you still have absolutely no idea of who this person your married to really is. I quickly discovered it's easy for one to be on their best behavior sitting in a visiting room surrounded by armed guards. And that just covers the women.
After several first dates so to speak I often pondered how it was possible I had to go back to to my small cage while these insane people somehow were able to walk free amongst society. In one instance I vividly remember prior to marrying my 5th and present wife :) I was set up on a blind date by an old associate of mine. This after wife number 4 simply disappeared as though she flew through the Bermuda triangle never to be heard from again.
The morning of my visit I shave and put on a new shirt to meet my blind date. A slight case of the jitters in anticipation made the wait seem like forever, but at 9am on the dot off I go. As protocol dictates after being frisked the officer in the visit room instructs you on which table you are assigned to sit at. This makes life a little easier since I never saw this person before.
I look towards the table and unlike the shapely redhead I spoke to on the phone and was expecting, it appeared as though her aging mother took her place. I walk over and quickly standing to greet me was a short women who was an even five foot tall in which she was as round as she was high. She had short badly dyed hair which came complete with a widows peak which somehow gave off an over powering odor of one of those Pine tree air fresheners that hang from your car mirror.
Attempting to be polite I introduce myself, gave her a fast hug and sat down wondering where her daughter was. She then casually informed me it was an old picture she had sent, but had not changed much " Uh-Oh"... Listen lady for the record the picture might have not changed but you and your hairline certainly have.
During our exchange of pleasantries I thought if anything instead of a prospective trailer mate I could at least have a new pen pal whom I might keep in touch with. At that moment we both glanced at the table next to us where a couple was going at it hot and heavy. The convict clearly had one of his visitors breast out on the table and it appeared as though he was twisting her nipple trying to tune into Z-100 or maybe WBLS and it was not coming in.
Her tongue was deep in his mouth and even from where I was sitting I could hear a slight moan coming from her. My new pen pal looked over at me asking why I did not try this with her ? Being fast on my feet I politely repsonded that I would never disrespect her like that in public. Moving at lightening fast speed " Now I Really Know Why They're Called Cougars" she leaped over the table put her arms around my neck in a choke hold and shoved her tongue down my throat while mumbling " Disrespect me, Disrespect me".
As I tried to remove myself from her vise grip like grasp, I pulled my face away from hers in sheer terror. The suction being generated from her mouth was instantly broken and obviously so was the seal on her top denture which proceeded to fall onto the table ! Ok you old degenerate, now am I supposed to sit there like a gentleman like this never transpired as she nonchalantly inserted her teeth back in place. I somehow managed to do as much, but this truly took self control and awkward to an entire new level. At any rate when the visit ended as gracefuly as I possibly could I give her a firm handshake while keeping my outstretched hand on her shoulder in case she tried to strike again as I politely declined any further contact with her.
So the next time you go on a blind date and things are going badly just picture a flying set of dentures. At least you can chuckle while figuring out if there is a back door...
" Zap Tale"