Ha-ha-ha. Laugh all you want, but let me assure you, I’m the best there is. It takes some mad skills to prove that you’re the one. You’ve got to own it like you mean it, say it like you feel it and all that cheesy goodness that goes into it. And all this comes with responsibility. And that responsibility comes with endurance. And that endurance comes with aching cheeks from smiling their direction all the time. And all that comes with seven rules.
First rule: Do not NOT do your homework. Worst possible thing you can do. I almost dialed the police on myself when I didn’t complete that pg. 42, #1-25 odd. I even busted out bawling on the floor when I didn’t return my interim signed. So to simply put it—do your homework. Otherwise, you better bring some ultraviolet-keeping-your-teacher’s-guilty-death-stare-from-killing-your-eyesight sunglasses on Monday morning.
Rule #2: Now, I know I said that that #1 rule was the #1 rule, but things have changed (and people lie), so this is it instead: When in doubt—don’t agree with your peers. You're committing suicide to your reputation. For example, say if the teacher wanted you to separate the F’s from the D’s and your friends wanted you to change their F’s to A’s and D’s to B’s. You’d automatically have to go with just separating them! Duh! Common sense, people! (Although, if this person was a parent of a kid that I despised, then I’d gladly change that A to a F and that B to a D, because that’s how tightly twisted I can be.) Mess with me. See what happens.
Rule #3: Be the teacher’s military assistant. There’s nothing wrong with enforcement, really. It’s all just a matter of time before there’ll be one of me in every class. But for right now, I’m a one-class/teacher at a timer. If only I could make the other students more….enthusiastic….
Rule #4: Be their follower. Hold on, let me rephrase that—it’s more like: become their slave, their supply. No offense to any teachers out there, but without me and the other non-worthy opponents, things wouldn’t be as ship-shape as they are in the classroom. You sit at your desk, thinking everything is fine and dandy, when your little worker bee’s out there keeping everybody in line. We work hard, and we don’t even get paid! We choose to be this way, and by-golly, we’re going to be the best! (That's my pride going…..)
Rule #5: Do not question his or her authority, no matter how stupid the idea is. Business is business. If you advised your boss that it wouldn’t be a good idea to believe the big time fibber-of-the-hour, you’d shutup about it then, and write any angry letter later. Don’t let your opinion get in the way of what’s most important. Remember, put others before yourself (even though you knew that liar was on their way to the lunch line WAY after you were in line).
By now, you’re probably getting bored and are hoping that lunchtime will come faster to make me stop, but not to worry! Only a million more rules and a billion minutes of me rambling on to go!
(This next rule goes for future cadets and wannabes alike.) Rule #6: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT let me get in the way of your dream to becoming the next ABTP (or America’s Best Teacher’s Pet). I know, I look intimidating, but that should not stop you from crushing, aggravating, and pounding me ruthlessly into the ground. But I must warn you, this job is not for the faint-hearted. You have to push, steal, shove, fight (and occasionally bribe) your way to the top, or else, you’ll be left not knowing which way’s up or which way’s down. Good luck surviving!
And last, but not least….Rule #7: Bring gifts every Monday, whether it be an apple (without worm) or an apple (with worm, although I suggest the one without the worm, just for obvious reasons). Choose Mondays because I hate Mondays, you hate Mondays and guess what? Teachers hate them, too. Yes, those “highly anticipated” starter days of zombie-dead kids and dragging late nights filled with grading over-the-weekend homework. The only thing I’m probably noted for though, is bringing the best gift/pick-me-up anyone could have—coffee (*iced or regular, pay in advance*). Almost everyone loves coffee, so to teachers, it’s like you’re an angel sent from above. And people wonder where those A’s come from….?
Now that you see what’s going on in my life as a TEACHER’S PET, you hopefully understand that I am way to busy to have a humorous bone in my body; just the simple school-smarts I came to acquire over time. Call me a snitch or a tattle-tale, or any other vulgar names for that matter, but remember this—I run this school.