1. What do the poor have,
But the rich don't?
- A: Welfare
2. How are deranged serial killers and politicians alike?
- A: They both stab you in the back when you least expect it.
3. When a white guy walks by you,
You say hello;
When a Spanish guy walks by you,
You say hola;
But what do you say when a black guy walks by?
- A: Freeze!
4. A Catholic priest walks into a gym. He's been gaining serious weight recently, so he went there in hopes of shedding a couple pounds. He walks to the receptionist counter and asks the woman standing behind if she could give him a tour of the place. Once the tour was over, the priest says he's not satisfied with what the facility had to offer.
"Well why not," the receptionist asks.
"Don't know," the priest says. "Just doesn't feel right. Can you recommend me another gym?"
"Sure. There's a boxing gym just up the street. It's more expensive than our building, but you get a more rigorous workout there."
The priest thinks it over. "Nah. Boxing's not my thing."
"Okay then, what about Zumba. Classes are starting tomorrow and it's only a couple blocks from here."
Again the priest declines the offer. Receptionist then gives him every name of every gym she could think of. All of them rejected by the priest. Eventually she gives up and says, "I don't know what you're looking for then. Unless you want to train at the playground on the other side of town I'm afraid I can't help you."
Priest smiles at her and says, "Can you give me the directions?"
5. My wife had a vibrator once. She also had a boyfriend named Nick a couple years before we met. I wouldn't have minded her having the vibrator if she didn't name it Nick.
6. I wrote a story to a horror magazine before. It got in, but the reviews I got from critics were less than average. A critic named Mr. Jameson said that my story had no "real scare" to it, whatever that means. I never liked disappointing my audience, so I typed up a new story and sent it directly to his front door. I don't remember the specifics of it; however, it did go something like this:
Mr. Jameson, your daughter's throat was slit open, your wife has been decapitated, and your son is being brutally raped by a colleague of mine back at my apartment. Once he dies, we're going to wait for you to come home after you leave work so we can ignite the 3 tons of TNT we buried under your home. If you do not give my story "Unicorn Farts can be Scary too" a positive review, you and your son will be murdered in ways you cannot imagine.
Needless to say, my story gave him quite a scare.