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A variety of jokes that may or may not be funny...

Submitted:Aug 17, 2010    Reads: 726    Comments: 3    Likes: 3   

1) Pass the sugar, sugar
Pass the honey, honey
Pass the tea, bag
2) What do you do if you see a space man?
Park in it, Dude!
3) Teacher: Now Katherine, can you spell Kangaroo?
Student: "Cangaroo"
Teacher: That's not the way the dictionary spell it
Student: You didn't ask me how the dictionary spells it!
4) Teacher: Johnny, you missed school yesterday didn't you?
Student: No teacher, I didn't miss it at all!
5) Teacher: Now that you've sat for your exams, Johnny, how did you find the questions?
Student: The questions were easy, I found the answers hard.
6) If you were locked in a room with only a calendar and a bed, how could you survive?
You can eat the dates from the calendar and drink from the springs in the bed.
7) If you invited all the alphabet to tea who would be late?
The letters "UVWXYZ" because they all come after "T"
8) There were 3 tall men standing under one umbrella and none of them got wet.
How could that be?
It wasn't raining.
9) First Artist: Do you like painting people in the nude?
Second Artist: Personally, I like to paint with my cloths on.
10) Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing spots before my eyes.
Docter: Have you seen an optician?
Patient: No, only spots.
11) Patient: Doctor, Doctor, my hand won't stop shaking.
Doctor: Do you drink alot?
Patient: No, I spill most of it.
12) What did the forgetful skunk say when the wind changed direction?
It's all coming back to me now.
13) Whats the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.
14) Little Boy: Daddy, daddy, do adults go on growing and growing?
Dad: No son, Why?
Little Boy: Because the top of your head is coming through your hair.
15) Jimmy: Have you noticed that adults are always grumpy?
Johnny: Thats why they are called groan-ups.
16) Who is the strongest thief?
A shoplifter.
17) Dentist (to patient): Goodness me, when was the last time you had your teeth checked?
Patient: Never, they've always been white.
18) First Eskimo Boy: Where does your mother come from?
Second Eskimo Boy: Alaska.
First Eskimo Boy: Don't bother I'll ask her myself.
19) What do hippopotamuses have that no other animals have?
Baby Hippopotamuses
20) Did you hear about the stupid shoplifter?
He stole a free sample.
21) Judge: It appears you are not telling the truth.
Defendent: How do you mean?
Judge: You said you only had one brother, yet your sister says she has two.
22) What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to tell the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
23) Policeman in Court: This woman approached me in the street and offered me a $10 note.
Judge: Counterfeit?
Policeman: Yes, my lord, she had two of them.
24) Why is a mouse like hay?
Because the cat'll (cattle) eat it.
25) Motorist: When I bought this car you said it was rust free. The underneath is covered with it.
Dealer: That's right, sir, it's rust free. We didn't charge you for it.
26) Doctor: I can't find anything wrong with you, it msut be the drink.
Patient: All right, doctor, I'll come back when you're sober.
27) Little Boy: Dad, there is a man at the door with a beard.
Dad: Tell him I've got one.
28) Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show it had guts.
29) Teacher: What's a Hindu?
Boy: Lays eggs
30) Boy: Please miss, can you be punished for something you've not done?
Teacher: of course not
Boy: Good. I've not done my homework
31) Why was the photographer arrested?
Because he shot people and blew them up.
32) Why did Henry the 8th have so many wives?
He liked to chop and change.
33) What did the fireman's wife find on christmas day?
A ladder in her stocking.
34) What do you get if you cross a bulldog with a shitzu?
A Bullshit.


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