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Manhead Episode 1

Script By: RKOMurphy
Jokes



This is just the first episode of my comedy show idea called manhead. Please read and give feedback. :D


Submitted:Oct 4, 2009    Reads: 169    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


Scene 1
Cuts to Dr Jamie Stevens brushing his teeth looking in mirror.
Nick: (Shouting) Jamie! Jamie! Come here!
Jamie: (Mutters) What? (Louder) If you've knocked over my syringes again just pick them up without seeing what happens when you use one!
Nick: No it's really important!
Jamie: What?!
Nick: That girl from last night!
Jamie: What?
Nick: She's stolen my wallet!
Jamie: Oh you idiot. Well what was she called maybe we can at least call the police.
Nick: Sorry?
Jamie: Her name?!
Nick: Oh her name...umm...it was... it was something like...no wait I've got it...ummm.
Jamie: You don't know do you.
Nick: Yeah! It was (quietly so Jamie can't hear mutters something)
Jamie: What?
Nick: Ok I don't know. But still I would've if she hadn't spiked my drink.
Jamie: Nick as normal I heard you stumble through the door at half two last night and you sounded exactly the same as always. You were just drunk.
Nick: No I wasn't. No I wasn't because I remember her putting a white powder in my drink.
Jamie: What? Why the hell did you drink it then?
Nick: She said it was a sweetener and you know my policy on drinks these days.
Jamie: What? Make all drinks as sweet as possible.
Nick: Yeah and you can't exactly carry around sachets of sugar with you all the time, anyway you weren't exactly sober when you came home.
Jamie: Yeah but I came home at eleven and I wasn't totally wasted. Uh I don't have time for this! I'm already late. That stupid bat Mrs Smith is still convinced keeping her husband alive is a good idea.
Nick: What's happening with her again?
Jamie: I'll tell you later I've got to go. Knowing that bastard of a bus driver he'll probably drive off the moment I walk up to it.
Nick: See you later.
Jamie: (While running out the door) Bye!
Scene 2
Jamie staring out of bus window can see behind him there is a group of school girls about 15 one starts choking on lolly getting louder quickly. Jamie turns around.
Jamie: Whoa get out of the way I'm a doctor.
Man approaches
Man: No I'm doctor I can help. (Looks a little weird, staring)
Girls give the choking girl to the man rather than Jamie
Jamie: Hey I'm the doctor, where do you even work?
Man: You wouldn't know it. Just let me do it I know the heimlin manoeuvre.
Jamie: What? It's called the Heimlich manoeuvre not the heimlin. You're not a doctor at all!
Man: Yes I am I'm just forgetful. (Can barely be heard for choking)
One of the girls: Hey just one of you do something will you!
Jamie: Yeah right! You're just some pervert aren't you! You'll be lucky if I don't ring the police. Girls just let me do it.
Man: How dare you!
Jamie does the Heimlich manoeuvre and the girl finally stops choking.
Jamie: Are you alright now? And you, you should be ashamed, I'll let you off this once if you get out of here right now you perv.
The man holds out identification badge. Jamie looks shocked and embarrassed.
Man: I am Dr Matthews one of the best doctors in Britain! In fact I make most of the decisions for which people get promotions! You are?!
Jamie: Dr Stevens. I work umm in a lower position than that. (Coughs) Well I'll be getting off, this is my stop.
One of the girls: We're in the middle of nowhere.
Jamie: Yeah well, this is me.
Choking girl: Where do you work?
Jamie: Nowhere.
Scene 3
Jamie walks in stops at reception.
Ruby: You're a bit late aren't you? Late by about 2 hours actually.
Jamie: I know I know. Where's Mrs Smith I guess she'll be anxious to keep her husband in pain.
Ruby: Yeah she's just in the waiting room. By the way the doors are done.
Jamie: Ok good so, wait just a second what doors?
Ruby: You know how you wanted room 7 and 8's doors switched.
Jamie: What? I didn't ask for that. Why would I want that?
Ruby: I don't know but you rang me at about half past ten last night and told me to do it.
Jamie: I was drunk then! I didn't mean it!
Ruby: Well I didn't know! Although it was a bit weird you started crying, and then laughing, and then burped loudly while you told me to do it. Also you kept referring to my chest.
Jamie: I didn't mean it! So what room 8 is now 7 and 7 is now 8?
Ruby: (Thinks for a moment) yes.
Jamie: (Sighs) Right so Mr Smith is now in room 7 rather than 8 and Mr Jackson is in 8 rather than 7.
Ruby: (Thinks again) Yes.
Jamie: Right great that'll make my job much easier.
Walks to waiting room.
Mrs Smith immediately gets up and runs to him.
Jamie: Whoa hello Mrs Smith! (Taken aback) Don't you have a strong scent today?
Mrs Smith: Where have you been! Edward has been in pain all morning while you were off probably helping a boy with a graze.
Jamie: No I was helping a girl with a lolly. Anyway Mrs Smith let me just talk you through the procedure one more time.
Mrs Smith: I know what will happen. You've told me already.
Jamie: Well let me tell you one more time just to have one last crack at making you not do this.
Mrs Smith: You want me to kill my husband?!
Jamie: No! Just listen! If you are still with the idea then we will carry on paying to keep your husband alive. However, he will be unconscious until he dies, he will die eventually, and he will be in more and more pain every day until he dies. Yet you want this to happen?
Mrs Smith: If it means keeping him alive then yes.
Jamie: Right. We will send off the money for more equipment to keep him living in pain. Utter pain. Endless pain.
Mrs Smith: I can't help but feel like you almost want him to die now!
Jamie: Really picked up on that did you?
Mrs Smith: I'm sorry but I just feel that killing him won't do anyone any good. I mean will killing anyone do any good?
Jamie: (mutters) I could think of one right now.
Mrs Smith: What?
Jamie: I said I think I will order the equipment now.
Mrs Smith: Oh good. Oh and by the way are there any other tea's I'm getting a little tired of twinnings.
Jamie looks confused. Stares at her for a second and then speaks.
Jamie: No.
Walks to reception.
Jamie: Well Ruby what else do I have to do today? Maybe jumping off a cliff?
Ruby: (not understanding so says confused) No. But you have to operate on a Mr Jenkins.
Jamie: What? Who's he? I've never even heard of him never mind operated on him.
Ruby: Yeah well he wants someone else to operate on him because he's obsessed with the idea Dr Hughes is the devil.
Jamie: Why?
Ruby: Dr Hughes asked him if he wanted to borrow his Brokeback Mountain DVD.
Jamie: What? Ugh why do we get all the weird old freaks in this hospital?
Ruby: (Motioning with her head towards approaching girl) she's the opposite of all those things.
Jamie: Do I know her?
Ruby: Why are you asking me? It's not like I know what's happening in your life constantly, I mean it would be quite interest-
Girl: (Interrupting) Are you Dr Stevens?
Jamie: Umm (coughing to make his voice normal) Ye-yes I am Dr Stevens.
Girl: Hi I just wanted to say thanks about earlier.
Jamie: Earlier?
Girl: Yeah when you saved me and accused that other guy of being a perv.
Jamie: Ah yes well actually it turns out he was a professional doctor that could decide whether to promote or demote me so if you didn't tell anyone else I would really be grateful.
Girl: He was still a perv whether he was a doctor or not. Oh by the way my name's Candice.
Jamie: Oh right. Well um thanks for the, thanks but it's just my job so you needn't worry.
Candice: But I do worry.
Jamie: Oh really?
Candice: (In a flirty voice) Yeah. Is there anywhere we can go to be alone I need to talk about something with you.
Jamie: Oh I don't think so I mean-
Ruby: Yeah there's the supplies room just there (pointing to a room opposite).
Jamie: (Looking at Ruby angrily) that's only really for staff though. Sorry.
Candice: Well I could pretend to be a nurse, got any outfits?
Jamie: No, just um no. I think talking would be a bad idea.
Ruby: What about that room that's going to be built into a new waiting room?
Candice: Great.
Jamie: (Through clenched jaw) Thanks so much Ruby.
Go in room it's completely deserted.
Jamie: So the talk?
Candice: I'm going to be honest; I wasn't planning on doing much talking.
Jamie: Really? I would never have guessed.
Candice: (Smiles) I just couldn't stop thinking about the bus, how you rescued me.
Jamie: Well I wouldn't really call it rescuing, you know it's just my job, all in a day's work-
Candice gets close to him
Candice: Oh no, you were my superman, the warmth of your body against mine, the feeling of your breath on my neck.
Jamie: I never thought of it to be such a romantic um manoeuvre.
Candice kisses him but Jamie pulls away
Jamie: Look I'm sorry but this is not going to happen, you're 15 and I'm, well much older.
Candice: Oh go on how old are you? I bet you're less than 10 years older than me.
Jamie: No a bit more I'm afraid so why don't you leave and we won't talk about this again yeah?
Ruby enters.
Ruby: Dr Stevens I thought you had to (looks at them and raises eyebrows) oh sorry I'll come back in 10 minutes? How long do you need?
Jamie: No time at all Candice was just leaving. Shouldn't you be in school anyway?
Candice: Oh yeah I'm going to miss being with you to learn about some gay German guy? We're a couple we can't be apart.
Jamie: Since when were we even a couple!
Mrs Smith enters and sees the scene
Mrs Smith: (Jamie tries to interrupt throughout) Oh I see! Decide to take an advantage of a young girl rather than order the equipment that's needed to keep my husband alive!
Jamie: Look that's not it at all-
Candice: Excuse me just how is he taking advantage of me? I'm his girlfriend!
Jamie: No you're not!
Mrs Smith: She's only a child!
Candice: How am I a child?
Jamie: I don't even know her!
Candice: You know it's so typical of an old bag like you to have a go at him.
Mrs Smith: How dare you!
Jamie: Now listen-
Candice: Oh I dare very well thanks.
Mrs Smith: You need a good slap!
Candice: You need a punch you ancient cow! (Mrs Smith looks shocked) Come on me and you outside! I could knock you out in seconds.
Jamie: Well she is old; it wouldn't exactly be a contest.
Everyone looks at Jamie.
Jamie: What? Oh so when I'm trying to help you can't stop talking but when I'm slightly insulting you go to silence.
Ruby: Jamie, a child, just brought in from a car accident.
Jamie: What?
Ruby: I tried to tell you!
Jamie: No you didn't you said how long do you need!
Mrs Smith: I am going home and I am taking Edward with me.
Candice: And how the hell are you going to do that? He's going to die soon.
Jamie: Right! Candice go home or to school or to where ever you're supposed to be, I don't love you or know you. Mrs Smith I will order the parts right now, and Ruby take me to this child.
Candice: I didn't like you anyway, you (thinks) rapist!
Jamie looks quizzically at her
Candice: Fine I'm going.
Scene Four
Enter into an emergency room there is a child on bed holding arm there is a man standing over him
Jamie: Excuse me I need to see him.
The man turns around; it's Dr Matthews.
Dr Matthews: Ah Dr Stevens, are you going see my child or just accuse me of being a paedophile again?
Jamie: I didn't actually call you a paedophile I called you a pervert (Dr Matthews looks angrily at him) but hey that's in the past (laughs nervously) so let's take a look at the little guy.
Dr Matthews: He is called Peter and he is my son so you take good care of him.
Jamie: Yes definitely I mean these hands are hands of...pleasure (notices what he just said and smile fades) ok let's take a look.
Jamie takes out a torch and shines it in his eye.
Peter: Why are you looking at my eye? It's my arm that hurts you tit.
Jamie can't hide his surprise at this.
Jamie: (Aware of Dr Matthews behind him) Well I need to make sure you don't have a concussion first.
Peter: No you're supposed to check the injured bit of the body first even I know that.
Jamie: Well aren't you the little doctor but I think I'll keep to my own methods because I think I have a tiny bit more experience than you.
Peter: Ask my Dad.
Jamie: Oh I'm sure he agrees with me, don't you Dr Matthews.
Dr Matthews: Just get on with it.
Jamie: Can you move your arm for me?
Peter: Yes but it hurts that's the reason I'm here you dick.
Jamie: Aren't you a little angel. Well let's x-ray just to make sure.
Jamie jerks Peter's arm and Peter shouts in pain.
Jamie: Oh I am sorry, I slipped. (Speaks into microphone on the table) Ruby could you get this little shit an x-ray please?
Dr Matthews and Peter stare at him.
Jamie: What? I said this little wit, because he's so witty!
Dr Matthews looks at him angrily as Ruby enters.
Ruby: Where's the little shit?
Jamie: I said wit.
Ruby: No you said shit.
Jamie: Ok why don't you just take him to the x-ray room?
Ruby: Ok fine by the way Mrs Smith wants you.
Jamie: Oh god! What now, is Edward too bloody cold?!
Dr Matthews: Edward?
Jamie: Oh it's just a man who's going to die soon and the wife is being a bit clingy.
Dr Matthews: I hope I never see you again. (Walks away)
Jamie: Thanks you old bastard.
Mrs Smith: There you are!
Jamie: Where did you expect me to be? I think the moon's a little full at the moment.
Mrs Smith: Why would you want to be there?
Jamie: No reason Mrs Smith.
Mrs Smith: So the-
Jamie: Going to order them right after lunch.
Mrs Smith: What? You still haven't got them?
Jamie: No.
Mrs Smith: Well why after lunch?
Jamie: Because the place we ring has a lunch break just like me right now.
Mrs Smith: Really?
Jamie: Yep so I'll get them after ok?
Scene Five
Nick and Jamie are in a coffee shop eating lunch
Nick: (Happily) so how's your day been so far?
Jamie: Well same old, same old you know the usual, 15 year old coming on to me, Mrs Smith being wonderfully stubborn and Dr Matthews kid turns out to be a fantastic little boy.
Nick: Dr Matthews? 15 year-old? Stubborn?
Jamie: Oh Dr Matthews I accused him of being a perv on the bus and he turned out to be a very successful doctor. Candice who I was stopping him help on the bus turned up later and came on to me, and what do you mean stubborn?
Nick: I mean what does that mean?
Jamie: Oh it means um not letting me have my own way if you know what I mean.
Nick: Oh I get it.
Jamie: Really?
Nick: No but anyway what about this girl? Could she be the one?
Jamie: What! No of course not; I don't know her at all, and she's only 15! I could be her Dad for God's sake. Anyway why are you so happy?
Nick: Oh I uh just met someone.
Jamie: Really who is the lucky girl?
Nick: Well her name's Jenna. I met her down that alleyway by the take away.
Jamie: Really, what you were both just walking down there?
Nick: No I was driving and I um picked her up.
Jamie: What she's not homeless if she? I mean I have nothing against the homeless but they're just so disgusting.
Nick: Well you'll be glad to know she was a prostitute not a homeless person.
Jamie: What the hell! A prostitute? Are you crazy! Where is she now? You haven't left her in the flat have you? Oh she'll be touching my things.
Nick: If you must know yes, she is at home but she isn't a prostitute.
Jamie: She isn't?
Nick: Not anymore she's not. After a very romantic afternoon and some sex she decided to get a job if she could stay with me.
Jamie: Did it not occur to you she could be lying so she can steal our things or get your money or I don't know what else but something else bad!
Nick: No I trust her; I mean she doesn't seem like one of those anulrexic hookers you see at night she seems trustworthy like a Prescott or something.
Jamie: Anulrexic? Prescott? Do you mean anorexic and escort?
Nick: Whatever, the point is she seems like a girlfriend.
Jamie: I don't know. You make sure she doesn't settle in until I get home tonight.
Nick: Fine. Anyway are you sure this Candice actually did come on to you? Did she just say thanks or something?
Jamie: Look you ask Ruby, believe me that's not the normal thanks I get from helping people and if it is I'm definitely not helping Mrs Smith.
Nick: Eww! Imagine her old flaps all over you.
Jamie: Nick please I'm eating.
Nick: It's sick though, you know once my mate did it with a 60 year old and he was only 17, it must've been like having sex with the Queen, which might sound sick but really I bet a lot of men fantasize about that.
Jamie just looks at Nick.
Jamie: Who was this mate anyway?
Nick: Wunka.
Jamie: Wunka? Are you serious? Who the hell is he?
Nick: You remember Helga's party?
Jamie: Of course how could I forget the look on her face when all your mates flashed at her from her conservatory?
Nick: Yeah that was a fun night; a bit unfortunate Helga had to be taken to the hospital after Sir Urethra licker shit in her soup.
Jamie: Oh my God you told me it was just unprepared!
Nick: Yeah but you would've never taken the blame if I had told you that was what actually happened.
Jamie: Well obviously but I prepared the soup, and I told the doctor as well, oh no wonder he left when I got a job there.
Nick: Yeah, well anyway Wunka was one of them. You know Sir Urethra licker wasn't the only one, guess what Wunka did in it!
Scene 6
Jamie is seen walking along the street with his hands in his pockets when a woman wearing a bright green coat and bright red tight trousers bumps into him.
Woman: Jamie!
Jamie: I'm sorry?
Woman: You remember me don't you!
Jamie: I see a lot of people every day I don't remember faces too well.
Woman: It's Alice. (Jamie shakes his head) You had the job interview with me.
Jamie: Oh yes I remember now.
Alice: Yeah and do you remember how we said we would meet up for a drink and you never turned up.
Jamie: Oh yeah I'm so sorry I got a um emergency call that night down at the hospital.
Alice: Yeah but you didn't start until the next week, you got the job thanks to the interview with me but you didn't start until the week after.
Jamie looks up as if trying to remember there is an awkward silence.
Alice: Well anyway it was nice seeing you again and maybe we could go for a drink tonight.
Jamie: Oh I would love to but I have a choc a block night ahead of me.
Flash forwards to Jamie in pants and t-shirt eating pizza watching the TV and laughing.
Jamie: Fully booked sorry.
Alice: Well what are you doing?
Jamie: A woman.
Alice: Oh I see that's...that's alright then.
Jamie: Sorry you know it's just she got in there first you know first come... (Another awkward silence) first served. That's it, I forgot the um the saying (laughs nervously) sounded almost like I meant coming literally. Anyway ok then bye.
Scene 7
Jamie walks into the reception.
Jamie: Hey Ruby, anything happen while I was out.
Ruby: Not much, you were right though that kid has a vocabulary that's dirtier than the clothes your mate's hooker wears.
Jamie: What? How did you know about that?
Ruby: He rang up and asked me about that girl and we got talking. So what's it like living with a whore?
Jamie: I haven't yet, although I will tonight. She's not going to stay unless she's a really subtle prostitute then she's going.
Ruby: What about Nick? He deserves some love.
Jamie: What are you talking about he gets women all the time! It should be me who's going out with a hooker.
Ruby sucks in through her teeth and Jamie turns around, Dr Matthews is standing there looking angry.
Dr Matthews: Come on Peter, unfortunately my hopes were answered.
They walk off but Peter turns around and makes the wanker sign at him.
Jamie: You see what the hell is that?
Ruby: It's the wanker sign.
Jamie: No I mean why does he do that? Where did he even learn it?
Ruby: I don't know. Oh have you ordered the parts yet for Mr Smith?
Jamie: God not you as well!
Ruby: What?! I'm just saying you should get them soon, sorry I won't mention it again.
Jamie: No sorry it's me, it's just I want to give Mrs Smith a punch in the face, and I probably will if she asks me again.
Ruby sucks in through her teeth and Jamie turns around, Mrs Smith is standing there.
Mrs Smith: Well thank you so much, Dr Stevens let me tell you, when my husband finally dies I will never return to this hospital. But until then I am not going to get out of your way until you order those parts on that phone.
Jamie: Really that's not necessary.
Mrs Smith: Oh it is.
Jamie: It's not necessary because I've already ordered them.
Mrs Smith: (suspiciously) what, really?
Jamie: Yes, now why don't you go and get some of that lovely Twinning's tea you're so fond of.
Mrs Smith: But I'm getting bored of it-
Jamie interrupts and guides her down the corridor.
Jamie: Come on I'll even lend you some sugar.
Jamie then walks back to the reception.
Jamie: Well that's that taken care of.
Ruby: When did you order them?
Jamie: I didn't that's the trick.
Ruby: That's not so much a trick as a horrible way of making sure someone dies without getting any extra aid.
Jamie: I suppose that's just a difference in opinion.
A group of teenage boys and girls approach, all the boys are dressed in the same colours with caps as a gang; Candice is at the front with the leader of them.
Ruby: Can I help?
Leader of gang: Yeh, you can 'elp me by telling me where Dr Stevens is.
Ruby: Ah you're in luck he's just here. That's him, right there (pointing).
Jamie: (Nervously) hello there, how can I help?
Leader of gang: By telling me if this (pointing to Candice) is the girl you've been 'avin an affair wiv.
Jamie: What! No! She just came in this morning and started flirting with me.
Candice: I'm so sorry Jamie, Ball-zee found out about this morning from one of my friends, I told him not to bother with you.
Jamie: Ball-zee?
Ball-zee: What, you rashist or something? You got a problem wiv my gang name?
Jamie: No I just didn't hear her.
Ball-zee: Well you ain't gonna hear nothing when I'm done wiv you. Yo momma's so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Jamie: What?
Ball-zee: Yo momma's so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle; they put it around her neck.
Jamie: What, that's really horrible you don't even know my mother. Listen I saved her, she was choking, she would've died!
Ball-zee: Really, well let's hope you can save yourself when I pop some lead in your ass.
Jamie: Now look-
Ruby: How dare you! You can't speak to him like that; you're only, what 12? You're walking round like a mixture of Eminem and, and help me out here Jamie who's someone that's violent?
Jamie: Umm action man?
Ruby: How is action man violent? Anyway you get the idea! You shouldn't be so violent and gangster at such a young age.
Ball-zee just looks at her.
Ball-zee: Fine I won't hurt him, God. Anyway who's that other slag we need to take of? Mrs Smith was it?
The gang walks down the corridor.
Jamie: Wow Ruby thanks. You were great.
Ruby: Well I have my moments.
Jamie: You definitely do. You know what, for you I will order those parts.
Ruby: Well you should've anyway but I'm still impressed, well done.
Jamie picks up the phone and dials while Ball-zee is seen running away shouting holding his face
Ball-zee: You crazy!
Mrs Smith then appears holding an empty mug.
Mrs Smith: Think you can hurt me! I know how to defend myself, hot Twinning's always does the trick. Dr Stevens could I have a word?
Jamie: Yeah, I'll just finish on the phone.
Jamie puts the phone down and walks into the waiting room.
Mrs Smith: It's about Edward.
Jamie: Oh what is it?
Mrs Smith: Well I just saw that young scoundrel running away in pain and I thought do I want my Edward to be in pain? So I've decided you were right, you don't have to order the parts, I'm ready for him to die.
Jamie looks at her for a second then takes a big breath in.
Jamie: (Looking like he's going snap) so...you just decided this did you? Nice. I'm so glad you didn't stop me on the phone when I was ordering the actual fucking parts! (Loud and aggressive) all this time I've been trying to convince you not to get them but no you insist! You have to get these parts that have scandalous prices! Well that's alright I'm glad you have now changed your mind! You, you bitch! You want him to die do you? Well fine he will die come on let's go and pull the plug on him right now!
Jamie slams open the door that has an 8 on the front. He then walks around facing Mrs Smith and pulls out the plugs and leads. Mrs Smith looks in disbelief. Jamie looks confused as he sees Mrs Jackson sitting next to him.
Jamie: Mrs Jackson, what are you doing here?
Jamie then looks at the man he has just killed which is Mr Jackson, Jamie looks up in shock.
Jamie: Oh fu-
Cuts to credits.




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