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beautifully broken.

Book By: cyn
Literary fiction

Still pulling bits and pieces together.

Submitted:Jun 19, 2010    Reads: 47    Comments: 2    Likes: 4   

leeches and life
[part 1]
you know i told my mom that i would marry you one day.
she reminded me of this after i married him.
it was summer and the fair was in town.
there i was.
sitting on the bench with him.
always at my side like a protective father.
afraid that i'd fall for another as he stood in line for a coke.
i was never to be left alone in public.
he stuck to me that day [and everyday] like a leech.
and as i turned i saw you.
my heart leapt from my chest
and i wanted to run to you.
to hug you and tell you how i've missed you.
and even as our eyes met
i remembered.
the leech.
whata difficult thing to do.
to see your first love.
your only love and just pretend.
everything in me wanted to yell out your name.
to cry and tokiss you.
beg you to forgive me.
begyou to love me.
everything in me wanted you.
i turned around
and my heart broke
for the third time
as i pretended like i hadn't seen you.
pretended like i was ok.
like my world hadn't turned into a cage.
into a tomb intosolitude.
my mother.
she always liked you.
and she knew that i was in love with you.
that i meant it when i said i'd marry you.
oh how dissapointed she is now.
in me and in fate.

[part 2]

you know i wonder now.
after i've seen the frantic stabs in the dark.
the panic in his eyes as he said all those horrible things to make me believe it was true.
that i was nothing and therefore deserved nothing and no one would ever love such a nothing.
all the things he said when really he was begging me to stay.
i wonder now.
what would have happend.
what would he have done if i stopped pretending.
if i wrapped my arms around you and confessed.
what would he have done.
i see that he didn't want me to go.
so would he really have pushed me away? kicked me out? signed those papers?
no, i dont think so.
and if by some strange hand of fate he did.. well i do believe i would have thanked the heavens.
that escape was badly needed back then.
everything in that home, in that marriage, was meant to make me believe i wasthat person.
that whore. that bitch. that good for nothing thing.
but all along, it was him.
i see it now. yeah, i see it and so does he.
so then, after this epiphany, why do i stillpretend now?
same story differant book it seems.
she loves me and treats me good.
yeah, she's got a temper.
and yeah, she's manic depressive.
and yeah, she's bipolar.
and yeah, i take the brunt of it all.
day in and day out.
all the arguements and eruptions.
all directed at me.
but there is still something... that keeps me here
and maybe i haven't quite figured that out yet.
and maybe that's ok.
maybe i stay cause i love her.
or because it's easy.
or because, i mean really, what else?
where would i go?
my parents house to the drinking and fighting?
no thank you.
it seems in my life i am constintly doing this.
im unhappy because im alone.
then when im not alone im unhappy still.
i love and then i dont.
but you'd have to admit that if thereARE those times when i dont love her....
maybe i never did at all...?
maybe its not love that i feel.
maybe its temporary happieness.
maybe its infatuation..
maybe its something else.
i dont know and at this rate i wont ever know.
i should just give up.
i have my baby.
she is my light.
my sunshine.
my life and my world.
i dont need anything else but her so maybe i should just cut everyone else out of the equation.
just love her.


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