Prologue: An elderly man standing at his window and looks at the birds in the trees, children playing merrily. Also, cars driving past makes his interrese. Everyday events the rest of us hardly notice. He is now 85years old and his nursing home placement has been his residence in the last 2 years. He is now alone, but he has not always been, Though his current situation may seem sad, there is nothing sad in his mind. Just a good melancholy found in those who have lived a long and rich life. This is his life story:
Growing up, I grew up in a safe city, in a safe country, in a safe part of the world. Sounds boring, which is also so far is. Are enough people who think that I should be grateful to grow up in a society that ensures everyone's safety. All that is expected of us is that we climb the ladder of life, previously set up for us. The ladder is of course not a physical tangible things, but the expectations society has for your life. Some steps are as follows: Kindergarten-primary-secondary-personality-killing job. A lack of steps leading to that one is seen as an outsider. I am missing several and have to pay for it now. It is said that it is positive that one is oneself, but it works of course only as long as other people's expectations of you will be met. But back to the beginning, ie to the beginning of my life. My very first year of life is of course quite unwanted. When I see baby pictures of myself I get a surreal feeling. A kind of distance to it. I know it's me, but it is a completely different person. A child who is not yet burdened by the same discovery requirements. Chaos and the pace of society makes us probably unsure whether we really good enough. It applies not only to education and work, but it affects our relationship with each other, and our perception of the world.
In the past, not now SFO, various courses and all sorts of activities. They lived more freely. Yet, the people of the well. They had to take responsibility for their own entertainment, which certainly led to more independent people. Of course there are things that are better now than in the past. Better health care has decimated Infant mortality rate, also the respect for children's rights have come a good deal longer. Most parents hope that their children grow up to be happy and well-adjusted. But when fate (For those who believe in such) offers young, uneducated parents is a first hint that you might not get to live a typical life of a4. No matter how much they try to hide that your subconscious is affected. By chance on how lucky or unlucky we were with our parents. Are we the result of two people's love for each other, or just an accident. I think we should be grateful that our parents in many cases do not tell the full truth about our creation. The miracle by getting to is not as impressive if it happens as a result of a cracked condoms or alcohol magical effect on the judgment. I contend, of course, not that these parents are worse than others, but basically are at least harder. To suddenly had to accept that they can become parents are demanding for anyone, especially when it is not planned. The mind will manalltid think about what they have renounced matter how happy one is in their offspring. Naive sense, it had been desirable to have some form of quality assurance for people before they have children, but it surely is not feasible. Large society and has a lot to help us to raise our children. So that regular medical checks, training and daycare. We are all a result of heredity and environment. This can have both positive and negative. For me, it probably turned out the most negative, at least hitill. Maybe I bloom late, but it's probably unlikely. As a newborn, we have some innate qualities of our family, but by and large we are empty cup waiting to be filled. This is a risky affair for us. Totally out of our control attribute our parents and society's a mindset we can not protest against before it's too late.
What does love for us, what it means to love. Love is synonymous with joy, sorrow, excitement, concern. Ranging from the deepest deep the euphoric heights.
When you hit their teens begin to open their eyes for more than just football and comrades. One discovers that girls are not as bad as previously thought. I tried more and more desperate to make contact with some cute girls in class. Soon discovered that I had just a few girls Jens. That I was lighter overweight, used glasses and was shy my efforts did oh so demanding. Against all odds, I managed eventually to get a girlfriend. Her name was Tone Line, 15 years and was in my class. She was so far more a friend than a girlfriend, but who can think clearly with a body full of hormones. The memory of my first kiss is pretty vague now, but I remember the excitement I felt in the body just before I kissed her. It was my first euphoric moments. In retrospect I see that there was something special to unexceptional. Nevertheless, the first kiss a milestone in our lives. But everything new seems the more exciting and captivating than it actually was. All in all, adolescence is the most fascinating time in our eventful lives. Hormones, personality formation and a thousand other things that tear you between heaven and hell on a daily basis. It is something we all have to go through to develop our adult version. Just a shame that you realize it only later in life.
Most importantly, parents who help to develop a moral compass, so to avoid at least some of life's pitfalls. Regardless of all need to know that someone is there for you. It has little meaning if it is family or friends. My problem is that I was young, had broke parents who probably were overwhelmed by the responsibility it meant to be parents. I'm not saying that young parents can not be excellent parents, but life experience is important. The hope is that they grow with the challenge.
My first 10 years were good and safe, after that, life got more difficult. At the time my parents were divorced. They were torn out of adolescence at the time they got me. Romanticism is the first victim when reality intervenes stuck in one. The road from being young lovers, and having the feeling of living on pink clouds, to suddenly become responsible parents with jobs and bills. Not everyone can handle the transition as smoothly. Farne mine has always had certain problems with impulse control her. Combined with a thirst for alcohol, it was basically a matter of time before he disappointed. Something he has continued consistently with later. It ended their relationship was an unfortunately he was unfaithful. I say unfortunately, with some reservations, because no one knows how our lives would develop if this had not happened. Anyway, he moved out and I stayed with my mother. This was the start of a turbulent relationship between me and him. I understand that he may have felt trapped in an adult he srengt taken was neither ready or ripe. But in my mind there is no excuse to tear the family's confidence in tatters. The result of his selfishness was that he lost a family and I lost some of my security.
If I could reach out and grab hold of a star for every time you made me smile, I had the evening sky in my hand ...
Everyone feels alone and abandoned sometimes, but it is usually transient emotions. But to be really lonely for a long time can change one's personality. Thoughts on that one is not worth much and not good enough, creeps slowly into the cortex. To develop emotionally have the need to be seen and noticed. I see examples of "old" has an emotional as a youth, and vice versa. The reason why this is so, I think because they grew up lonely, blind to peer development. It is said that one develops with age, but it's not automatically there. Most importantly, a good foundation from a young person, and to be conscious of themselves on who they will be. Adventures and experiences we do, both distort and facilitate our evolution.
Nowadays it is socially acceptable with clothes that highlight more than they hide. Also so-called one-night stands, there are fewer and fewer people look down on. To satisfy their needs without worrying about further contact with the "chosen one". To believe that one's emotional life is not affected by such sexmoral seems to me naive. Some argue that sex and love are two different things. It is, of course. Sigmund Freud would certainly have interesting views on contemporary morality. The girls who are staring at, claims that they do not appreciate it. I doubt that they are completely honest, but there are now so be it. Whatever is it that girls who dress sexy and challenging doing it primarily for other girls. Someone once said that women are complicated beings that it is impossible to understand fully. Personally, I think most girls like to look at themselves as mysterious and capricious.
The relationship between men and women is complicated because we choose to make it complicated. In a world full of challenges and temptations, we should try to make things easier. In particular, girls are able to over analyze and poison the relationship. It may be trite, but we must realize that both sexes have the same basic needs. By face it and to treat each other with respect, we give the relationship a better chance of survival. In the old days kept the couple together much longer than today. Of course, plays the future of shame and women's rights a role, but I still think they had a different morality then. Something that has always been a cause for me is the difference in treatment when it comes to sex. Socially and culturally throughout the world seen the difference. To a greater extent in some cultures than others of course. From time immemorial, we have tacitly accepted that this is just. A lot has happened over the past 100 years, but we have still a long way to go. Ironically enough, everything suggests that it is men who must give way to achieve full equality. In our part of the world, I think probably that we have come so far men are willing to let it go. In poor and underdeveloped countries, dessto more to work with. When educational deficiencies and unemployment abound, slip the mind of the necessity of the primitive paths. Manners and empathy will satisfy no stomachs. Society is becoming more brutalized and crime increases. Women are reduced to an object for men, they lose their own identity. Sex industry is a good example of male dominance over women. The industry is reportedly the world's 3rd largest behind the weapons and drug industries. To be honest they are closely related. To say that the players involved in the sex industry of free will is rather loosely knowledge. Porn made in Western countries, probably some degree of frivellighet. But how many girls dream of being whores when they get older? Must add that I believe that those who call themselves porn actors are whores. Maybe just a little bias on my part, but the concept is the same. Sex in exchange for goods or money. The more objectionable part of the industry are all those who are forced or tricked into it. Pedophilia, rape and girls who have no choice in fear for their lives. It's not just men who are customers, but there are those who maintain the industry. Some men need to satisfy their needs, physical and financial, smooth trumps the other's tragedy.
No one has said that it is easy to be a good person, but we shall all, at least to try. As a man you can sometimes feel like a deserted island or an oasis in a vast desert if you like. The focus on women's rights may be paramount. It has however been easier also for men to seek help in recent years. Some would argue that men were more stable character in the past, something I totally disagree in. But they had enough time on their problems too. It's probably either that society is so fast, and has become so complex that anyone and everyone makes the mental wear and tear. As we live longer and are healthier, there is also more that require our attention.
Had a friend named Geir, he was 15 years that is a year older than me. Like me, he was also an outsider, perhaps even more than myself. We got enough friends because we both went alone and looking for someone in our situation. Someone who knew how the other felt. Funny how being excluded by others without grasping why it is so. Those who exclude some are not always aware of why they do what they do, probably seems easier to follow the others' tracks. The only thing worse than bullying is itself to be bullied. I thought Geir was a nice guy, and I saw no reason why he should just be a victim of bullying. He lived at home with his mother and sister Nina. His mother was a nurse, while Nina took on a part-time jobs to help a little bit financially. At least cover their own expenses. His father Geir had only contact with sporadic at best. His father's reluctance to help out financially, meant that they were crowded. Is enough to understand that her mother had not the strength to help and support Geir, but unfortunately it is anyway. We had shared the interest that was fishing. He also liked naturehikes, but it was too boring for me. Fishing was a pretty all-consuming hobby for him. Frequent fishing trips, many fishing magazines and he also made his own flies. Later in life I realized that nature was a welcome escape from reality for him. A place where he had control over their lives and their thoughts. But unfortunately not disappear real life itself. We all have our commitments that take us out of the dream. His demon was the private school. Although he skipped a lot, he could not cut the school altogether. His classmates harassed and bullied him in both lessons and breaks. Teachers can not possibly have avoided noticing that he was harassed daily, but unfortunately nothing was done about it. Disclaimer was easier than actually doing their duty. I had only been friends with Geir in 4-5måneder before that fateful day. On his 16th birhtday his father in a sort of misguided kindness bought a hunting rifle to him. Fair enough that Geir was interested in hunting and fishing, but who buys something like a victim. Especially when he is a teenager with the alternating moods that means. I was visiting my father that weekend Geir had birthday, so I was unfortunately missed it. Something that has bothered me a lot later on, in fact all his life. Already on Monday after the birthday, he took his life. While his mother was at work and my sister at school. He had locked the door to his room, sat on a chair in the middle and then shooting himself in the head. His sister Nina found him after school with the help of a spare key. She was just asking why he had not been to school, instead she was exposed to the shock of his life. The next day we had a memorial service at the school, but otherwise it was silent about what had happened. For me it was amazing how fast everything and everyone seemed to forget it all. Was just as if his life had no value as he lived, and now that he was dead, all equally valid. The only thing I noticed were the malicious rumor that went about his mother. Instead of offering her comfort and understanding, people went back to her. Understand that people are at a loss over what to do and how they should behave. But turning his back on the iallefll not the solution. It was, after all that robbed her, her son. As a kind of bitter epilogue ended with her failed more and moved. Also heard rumors that her sister had drug problems, but was never confirmed it. Have learned not to believe rumors, and hope for the longest time that it went well with her.
After the suicide, I was once again lonely and alone. I began to wander aimlessly, alone with my thoughts. Thinking about what the future has to offer, if anything. Thinking about who I am. Thoughts so many young people have thought of me. Basically, little original thoughts, but for me immersive. The feeling of being identitetsløs, invisible. The need to feel accepted brought me together with the so-called tough guys. Those who smoked, drank and generally did mean streak. We felt we had to do something "bold" to be noticed. When we also constantly lacked money to smoke, the idea of performing a shop burglary obvious to us. Some planning was not in question. We just waited until dark before we sneaked in the back of the store. It was closed for the day and lay in a remote area, so the risk of being discovered was reassuring small. In order not to arouse any attention, we decided that it was wise to be only 2 who did the breakin. Nevertheless, the nervousness to touch and feel. Nervous bladders led to a break. But everything went easily for themselves, and inside the warehouse, we filled our every bag of tobacco. On the way home, we were relieved, and not a little proud of our successful break. We went to my home to share the spoils. This was the start of a short-lived crimespree together. The following months we did burgularys, car theft and all we could find. It felt good to have a "partner in crime", one I had to rely on and who had to trust me. We had a secret life no one else was allowed to take part in. But all good things have an end. An abrupt one such. One morning I woke up that we were visited, I did not think much about it and tried to fall asleep again. The next moment there was a knock on the bedroom door and in came 2kvinnelige police officers. They asked me politely to wear my clothes, while they went and explained the situation to my mother and sister. I felt a chaos in my head, confused and scared. In retrospect I am grateful at how professional the police were. The shame of having a police car, a so-called black Marja, in the courtyard was heavy to bear for my mother. At the same time I learned the middle of all the negative that my mother supported me no matter what kind of mindless things I do. This is a lesson I have taken to heart. A man can be judged on the basis of individual action, but the whole. As you probably know I'm not a hardcore criminal, rather soft and uncertain. But life can make the heart hard sometimes. Anyway, we got fairly cheaply from it all because of Vå young age. We received a small fine and 2years deferral on your license. The main consequence was that his parents decided he needed a change of scene. Then shortly after they moved to another municipality. A year later, I heard a rumor that his parents had been divorced. Hope for him that it was just a basic rumor. Have often thought about how his life has evolved after our paths parted. In my best moments I imagine that he shaped up, took education got an ok job and is happy with his life. I find no comfort in the fact that others have it as bad or worse than myself. But I have a nagging feeling that he has the same problems as me. Maybe it's just my conscience is bothering me.
My best supporters have always been my family. Not everyone has it so, so I'm grateful for. They are also my biggest concern and irritation. My contact with my father is minimal to say the least, the need for contact likewise. Luckily I have always had a close and close relationship with my mother and little sister Aina. Aina is 2yrs younger than me, so of course we have different half circles. We had probably a typical sibling relationship when we were younger. She looked up to his big brother with admiration in their eyes, while I was on my side trying to avoid her at school and among friends. When we were home, we played games and had lots of fun together. I was proud to be her brother, big brother and took the responsibility seriously. When she was a teenager the relationship between us more strained. She had probably long since realized that her brother was not so admirable after all. I was probably a little jealous of her good relationship with mother. We were treated equally. There was never any question of discrimination. None of us felt that we were favored, and well it is. Yet I felt that Aina had a better and more candid relationship with her. It was not just in relation to the mother she was better than me. She has always been more adaptable than me when it comes to new situations and relationships in general. Her bubbly personality meant that she was easy to get to know people. Friends, long phone calls and loud laughter from her room was a regular ingredient in everyday life in our little family. The popularity of her deepened my sense of loneliness. I was so far happy on her behalf, but I often wondered at how different two siblings can be. A school good, responsible and social versus an unsociable scamp. Have a feeling that she has made the right choices in life, and done what is socially expected of her. She has also been good to deal with the bumps that have come her way. She worked diligently in school and trained as a nurse. Something she still is and enjoy.
My faith in love or being in love with someone, have become an ever more distant thought for me. Falling in love is crazy, love is reason. In the mix of hormones in love and lust is the critical thinking sadly absent. Once the initial feelings calm down, one can consider their relationship from the psychological aspect, not only the physiological. Have long felt that I am not worthy or deserving of some love. The fear of rejection has probably stopped me from releasing more into my heart. I have no particular problem with either talking or flirting with girls anymore, but I draw me emotionally when I notice that she likes meg.Dårlig selvtilit is self-reinforcing. You dare not take risks that could increase one's confidence. It is said that all are equal, but it is of course nonsense. People with money have more opportunities than those without. I see that you are not happy of money in itself, but I think it is better to be rich and unhappy than poor and happy. Possible it's just me who is cynical now, but it is at least what I feel. The golden mean is probably preferable. No matter what my attitude about money is, after all, they needed to survive and maintain some kind of dignity in life. So I got me a job as a warehouse worker at a nursery. My interest in the flowers are non-existent, but it was after all a bit of fun to work in a foreign environment. That to me was most unusual in the beginning was to work in a place where most women or gays. But it soon turned out to be quite as pleasant. A little backbiting and arguing but otherwise okay. As long as I was not in the line of fire, everything was rosy for me. Maybe I was happy ignorance, but so what? I was well received and felt almost like one of those. After a while I began to notice a girl in a different department. She worked as a florist. I thought to myself that she was beautiful, and also seemed to be nice. Having interrogated me discreetly about her, I learned that her name was Veronica and was 21 I myself was 30, without the age difference worried me significantly. I have a tendency to get too excited. That desire to make a good impression can feel a bit overbearing. But one winter was finally my chance. Veronica would throw any old flowers in an outdoor container. Fortunately for me it was a bit hard to, made even more difficult with all the snow. Galant that I can shine with to be, I offered to help me unexpected henne.Følte probably nervous when I talked to her. Tried to be cool and straightforward, but her eyes and gaze had an almost hypnotic effect on me. After some back and forth on the ice was broken between us, and after that we talked together and look often. I was determined to keep my growing feelings at bay. One day she asked if I would join her on a shopping center near the left for a job, something I wanted. We found that both liked animals and reading books. She liked cats and i liked dogs. Thought it was a fitting metaphor for women and men. After an hour, I followed her home. She lived in a room like that about halfway between work and the mall, while I lived on the other side of town. I had a dog that was waiting for me at home so I did not have time to join in with her. When we were parting ways, I gave her a hug, for some reason, I gave her also a kiss. So much for being reluctant .. Fortunately it seemed like she liked it. Happy and relieved, I went home hopeful and looking forward to seeing what the next day had to offer. Once I met at work I noticed that she was withdrawn and barely greeted me. I was confused, did not fully understand what foregikk.Hun stayed away all week, without saying a word to me. Found out later that she had ADHD and limited experience with boys. She was probably scared of his feelings for me. There is at least what I believe, never found out what happened. As time went on, the relationship a little more normal. But her mood swung violently still. One day we were cuddly, kissed and hugged each other. The next day we talked no longer sammen.Dette was of course frustrating for me. In retrospect, I'd just given up, nor hoped for better luck with a different girl. But my ability to release me from the hopeless is woefully underdeveloped. After a year of an emotional roller coaster I felt mentally exhausted. The only way out was to quit the job. I learned that romance at work is not very smart.Iallefall for next time. Why be satisfied with doing stupid things just once? Have seen her a few times later without talking especially henne.Bare claptrap. Rejection is always painful, especially when it happens so suddenly and unexpectedly. If enough still much to learn about women, but console myself that she probably had slightly more demanding than women flest.Håper det.Nå she is just a past memory, an important but minor Synology in my life. Strange how something that seemed so significant at the time, now drowned in life kakaofoni of experiences and impressions.
Through some of my rather dubious acquaintances, I got hold of a gun. I was sitting in my little room and stared intently at my Desert Eagle. My purpose was to carry out a robbery. The natural choice was a gas station a few kilometers away. Already 3days after having obtained the gun, I went to execute the robbery. I had got hold of a Finland-cap and one pair of gloves. It was the degree of planning. Unfortunately, sadly aware that I'm not a criminal mastermind. Or in some other areas of the part. The time was 23:30. It was dark and quiet. I was 20-30meters from the station wearing finland hood, gloves and was otherwhys dark dressed. The gun in my hand brought me in a special mood. A sense of power and that no one could stand in my way. Maybe it's the feeling Americans crave. Waited patiently for a customer to go and the clerk was alone, went back and forth a few times before I hit. I've never felt so certain that at the time, was the feeling of tunnel vision but was vigilant about my surroundings. Was quiet in and aimed the gun at the clerk. A fragile type that seemed to be in 30årene. My thoughts in the recent past had only circled around outcomes, not how it would affect another person. He stood first as frozen feet began to tremble like aspen leaf. I aimed the gun toward the ground, if possible, to seem less threatening. I asked him to put money and tobacco in a bag. Before I left I said sorry, he said with a trembling voice that it was okay. I felt completely empty when I came out in the dark. It struck me hard what kind of consequences my actions may have. Walked and walked with my prey, with his head in a daze. After a while, i saw 3 cars standing sprawled in the road. I was so preoccupied that I did not do anything but just go straight at them. 2 cops came up to me and asked what I did there. Found out it was only to surrender first as last. It all went quiet and convivial separately. Is impressed with how professional the police behaved. Both then and later. Was handcuffed and taken to the police station where it was taking pictures, fingerprints and personal information. Afterwards, I sat in the smooth cell. Except an interview and a medical check, I sat there 3 whole days without air breaks. Some argue that the use of smooth cell is a form of torture. Which of course is dependent on the duration and the individual psyche. Synthesis even I deserved it.