After a long pause in contemplation, where all the words in my mind dissolved on my palate before they could cause irretrievably insensitive damage, the waitress checked on us. I ordered another soya, decaff mocha and Angel a rooibos tea. As the waitress left I decided it best to clarify a few things in my mind before embarking on suggesting my concocted plan of action.
"Ok, so your mind and soul are at odds?" I began.
She smiled up at me for making her inner torture sound so simple, "Yes."
"And your soul was bought by your imagination's creations, so now you want to undo the sale and return the pain you unwittingly bought?"
"That would be an option. The thing is, it's been two and a half years, so I think I may feel weird without the pain now, almost like the ache has become a sign that I can love deeply and if that goes then it will be like I haven't loved deeply at all. Yet, I am so convinced that I have and the only proof is the ache. It is so wretched!"
"Angel, you aren't helping me here. You want to be free of the burden, but you don't. You want to be married but you don't, you want to feel love, but you don't… what am I supposed to say to you?" I found her stance exasperating! Why can't people just know what they want?
"Please don't get frustrated with me. I realize I'm not in a good space and it's all continuous contradiction, but I've run out of people to talk to, so I don't mind if you don't say anything, just be here please, so I'm not alone. It's worse when I'm alone, cause I only have my thoughts and you can see what a mess they are in." I got the feeling that her exasperation far exceeded mine, and she was right, it wasn't my business to go berating her.
"Sorry Angel, didn't mean to come across so unfeelingly. You know me, I need a plan to put into action, something to do, I can't stand sitting around; and you've been sitting on this for two and a half years. My mind can't get around it. That's all." I reached out to hold her hand, "I just hate seeing you so far from the you I know, and so deep in this place of woe. It sucks, and you do not deserve it at all, and I don't care what anyone else has said, you don't."
"Thanks Shannan, I appreciate your friendship in every way, but I don't think you can fix this one for me," she sighed, "and as you may recall I haven't sat on this for two and a half years, only two."
I gave her a raised eyebrow, she continued, "Remember my mother sent me to that shrink guy two years ago and he told me I had to email 'him', which I did, and he replied really patronizingly? Remember?" I nodded, how could I forget? I even shared that email with Miss Lea and she wanted to tear a strip off the guy she was so angry. Angel, did Angel get angry? No, she said she was concerned about who else he may hurt, so she emailed him (as an attachment, with a 'warning!', so he could delete it if he liked, she even entitled it 'release' for crying in a bucket) a bunch of questions pointing out that he wasn't the 'innocent guy' he appeared to think he was. I wouldn't have given the ass the time of day after his reply! "I remember. I also remember how hurt you were that he rejected you all over again in his response. I reckon that shrink was a moron too." I felt my anger bubbling up again and my tone of voice showed it.
"Yes, you were so supportive, but still that email was two years ago and he very expressly told me never to contact him again. So how could I possibly disrespect his wishes?"
"Because he is a poephole?"
"That's not nice Shannan. Even if it is true. See, that's another thing that doesn't make sense, why would someone like me, who has turned down better, be stuck on someone like him to this ludicrous extent? It's out of character, it doesn't make sense in any respect and it is jeopardizing a good future too!" She lifted her hands, palms open, in a gesture to ask the Universe why? and then sunk her face into her hands. Neither the Universe nor I had any answers.