Preface

The silence was deafening. That was the first of all the strange things that went on that long spring night. Normally you could hear crickets chirping and bull frogs croaking on the bank of the pond across the street. The cars on the highway usually made so much noise it was hard for sleep to find me most nights. But on that dreadful night when so many things went horribly wrong, it was silent.

I remember this now, as I sit here reminiscing. I remember thinking about what would’ve happened if the car had decided to leave a few minutes later or maybe taken a different road home. But it didn’t. What happened, happened. And even if I had the chance to go back and change it, I wouldn’t.

My name is Heather Nicolle Clarke. And this is my story.

Accident

I was lying on my bed on top of the covers trying to stay cool, staring at the glowing plastic stars stuck to my ceiling. Because it was a school night and I physically could not function without eight hours of sleep, I had gone to bed at nine. I glanced at the red glowing clock on the bookcase next to my bed. 9:23. Dad still wasn’t back from his run and Terri, my stepmom, was in the living room watching TV. What’s taking him so long?I thought.

My cat, Tucker, jumped up onto my stomach and started to rub his face into my hand. I scratched behind his ears, the spot he really liked, for a minute then ran my hand down his back. He suddenly became rigid and started flicking his tail back and forth. His head lifted up, his ears pricked back.

“What is it, Tuck?” I whispered. Then I heard what had alerted him. Sirens. Coming down our street. Emergency vehicles never came down our street. At least not in the eight years I’d lived there. No one had ever gotten hurt. Fires had never broken out. What was going on? A horrible thought struck me but I put it out of my mind and jumped out of bed. I ran out of my room and into the living room where Terri was sitting on the couch.

She looked up at me like I had lost my mind. “What on earth?!” She exclaimed.

“Sirens, did you hear them?”

“No. What sirens? What are you talking about?” But I was already running out the door.

Outside, I saw that I wasn’t the only one who had heard them. Neighbors in their pajamas and night gowns were coming out of their houses, gathering on the side of the street and talking excitedly. The girls who lived three houses down from us were running in the direction of the bright lights and loud noises. I took off after them.

The thought that it might be Daddy that was hurt was pushing itself to the front of my mind more and more with each step I took. I tried to push it out of my head again. There were so many other things it could’ve been. Someone might’ve left the stove on and started a fire. Or maybe someone’s house was found broken into when its owners got home. Anything else could’ve easily happened. But as I rounded the corner and saw that it was an ambulance not a fire truck or a police car, my heart dropped. Then I saw the car pulled over at a weird angle; like it had tried not to hit something. Or someone. I sprinted over to the crowd of people standing in the middle of the road and pushed my way through.

About five paramedics were crouched over a man lying there on the ground with blood seeping out of a deep cut in his in his leg. Dad. Then I realized there was a bone sticking out of the wound. I took a few steps back and threw up right there on the spot. All of the lights and sounds and voices of people trying to help me made me dizzy. I sat down and put my head between my knees. “No, please no.” I whispered, tears streaming down my face.

One of the EMT’s walked up to me after getting him into the ambulance and put a hand on my shoulder, asking if I knew him. All I could do was look up and nod. He held out his hand and said, “Come on.”

I took it and he led me to the back of the ambulance. The inside was so crammed with people that I had only just enough room to squeeze in there. I sat down on a small bench anchored to the inside of the wall. To my surprise, Terri managed to fit in there with me too. She had just arrived and demanded that she go with us. She sat down without looking at me. Neither of us said a word.

My stepmother and I didn’t get along well at all. She was mean and controlling and to be perfectly honest, she treated the dog with more love than me. She, on the other hand, thought I was a spoiled rotten little brat who thought only of herself. Needless to say, we’ve had major problems since she moved here ten years ago. And if it weren’t for the fact that we’d have to file bankruptcy if Daddy divorced her, we’d be long gone by now.

While the ambulance sped out of the neighborhood and onto the highway the paramedics worked on keeping my dad alive. I couldn’t bear to watch. I brought my knees up to my face and rested my forehead on them, letting my hair fall in front of me. It was like I was trying to close myself off from the cloud of pain and fear that was as thick as cotton in the back of the crowded ambulance.

_______________

At the hospital, I vaguely remember the EMT’s putting Daddy onto a stretcher and wheeling him off into the emergency room. Someone directed Terri and me to the small waiting room in the lobby. I sat down and looked around. There were nurses and doctors bustling around apparently oblivious to anything except what they were doing. Patients sat in the waiting room also. People who clearly looked sick or injured and others who looked perfectly fine. Maybe they were family of the ones that were in the ER and they were just waiting for the bad news that was sure to come. Just like us. We were waiting for bad news.

The same person who brought us to the waiting room came from behind the receptionist’s desk and handed Terri a clipboard full of papers, telling her to give them to the lady at the desk when she was finished. I was relieved that I didn’t have to worry about signing forms and things. Besides, I probably couldn’t have held a pen straight if I tried.

I didn’t want to think about what had just happened. I didn’t want to think about where I was, and why I was there. All I wanted to do was escape from all the pain I was feeling. I resumed my position with my head on my knees and squeezed my eyes tight shut to keep from crying. Whenever Terri poked me or said my name, I pretended to be asleep and just ignored her.

When the scratch of the pen and the metallic clink of the chain hitting the side of the clipboard with every word Terri wrote ceased, she got up and handed everything to the receptionist. Then she came and sat back down. After a minute I realized she wasn’t going to call anyone and let them know what was going on. It didn’t really surprise me and I really didn’t fell like dealing with her at the moment, so I got up and did it myself.

The receptionist standing at the desk cluttered with papers looked like she had been there way too long without a cup of coffee. Nevertheless, when I walked up to her she smiled sympathetically and asked, “Can I help you, miss?”

“Yeah, uh…I need to use the phone…to, uh…call some family…” My voice just trailed off. I must sound like an idiot, I thought. But she must’ve seen people like me all the time because she smiled again and told me that it was fine. She pushed the white plastic phone towards me and said, “Press 9 twice before dialing.” I took the phone and nodded my thanks.

I decided to call my Aunt Chloe first. She was my Daddy’s sister and my best friend in the whole world. Even thought she was my Aunt she was only ten years older than me, and the age difference made us more like sisters than anything else.

I called her house phone first because I knew that her cell phone was almost always dead. She answered after a few rings.

"Hello?”

“Chloe?”

“Oh my gosh, Heather, what’s wrong?” That was how Chloe was; she always knew when something was going on.

“Umm… it’s Daddy…he…he,” I couldn’t do it. It was way too hard. The receiver was shaking in my hand.But I swallowed hard and forced myself to continue. “He was out running and…someone hit him.”

“Oh no…no, no, no, no, no.” The line went quiet and then, “Are you at Chesapeake General?”

“I…I think so,” To be perfectly honest I hadn’t even noticed where we were. But Chesapeake General was the closest hospital to where we lived.

“Alright, give me twenty minutes. And Heather?”

“Yeah?”

“Everything will be fine.”

“Thanks, Chlo…” My voice trailed off and I let the tears run down my face as I hung up the phone. My hand lay rested on it for a moment as I tried to pull myself together. I thought about who else I should call. I guessed my grandparents would want to know even if they couldn’t be here immediately. Two years ago they moved to the mountains of North Carolina. They had spent the previous twenty years building a house down there and they finally finished it in time for both of them to retire. I’d stayed with them quite a bit during holidays and school breaks in the past couple of years, and it was absolutely beautiful. And quiet. Wonderfully quiet, not strangely quiet like the silence of earlier that night. The mountains have a certain peacefulness about them. I could sit for hours upon hours under the trees reading, losing all track of time until it was too dark to see the words on the novel’s pages. And right then, there was no place on the planet that I’d rather be.

I picked the receiver back up, having calmed myself as much as possible, and dialed their number. My Nan answered on the third ring. “Hello?” She sounded sort of tired, like she had just woken up. I glanced at my watch and realized why. It was already eleven thirty.

“Nan, it’s Heather.”

“”Hi, Sweetie, it’s late, is everything alright?” she asked, sounding concerned. “You sound awful. Is it that Terri again?” I had always called Nan or Aunt Chloe when Terri had done something ridiculous again. Whenever I sounded upset, they assumed it was her fault, and with good reason.

“No, not Terri…it’s Daddy…he was hit…by a…a car.”

“Oh no, honey. Is he okay? What’s going on?” she asked trying to sound calm, but I could hear the panic and worry in her voice, and it made me lose control again. I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes again.

“We’re at the h-hospital. T-terri filled out some p-paper work, and, uh, D-daddy’s in the em-emergency r-room. We’re j-just waiting n-now. C-chloe’s on her w-way.”

“Good heavens. Listen to me, Heather. He is going to be okay. We’ll leave here as soon as we can.”

“Are-are you sure?” I asked. It was a seven and a half hour drive from there to Chesapeake.

“Of course, sweetheart. You need us. He needs us. And God knows Terri will be absolutely no help.” I almost smiled. I knew exactly what she meant. Terri would be in her own little world, only worrying about herself. Probably wondering how much money she would get if he didn’t make it. He would make it, though, I told myself. He would.

“Thanks, Nan. I love you. Tell Papaw the same for me.”

“OK, hon.” And she hung up.

I put the phone down. There were probably more people I should’ve called, but I just couldn’t. It was too much. So I went and sat down next to my not-so-lovely stepmother, and waited for Chloe.

I didn’t have to wait very long. She must’ve pushed her little Escort to its breaking point to get there that fast. When she came around the corner I immediately jumped up and ran to her, throwing my arms around her neck. Then I completely broke down and cried. I had kept everything inside up until then, just pushing it down whenever the tears began to surface, but now I just let it all go. She held me in her arms for what felt like hours as I sobbed onto her shoulder. “Oh, Heather,” she whispered into my hair, “It’ll be okay, I promise. No matter what happens.”

Without moving an inch, I whispered back, “Thanks, Chloe. I know it will.” She pulled me straight to face her and I noticed streaks of tears on her face as well. She wiped mine from my face, and then she led me back to my chair, always keeping one arm around my shoulders, as if to shield me from all the pain in the world. When we sat down, Terri looked over at us. She seemed to have just noticed Chloe.

“Hello Chloe. I see you’ve heard the bad news.” She greeted her with fake sadness and caring.

“Yes I have.” Chloe replied icily, muttering under her breath, “No thanks to you.” Terri either didn’t hear or just ignored the comment. Her and Chloe had had an especially hard time accepting the fact that they were somewhat related. Their past together has been almost violent. Whenever anything happened between me and Terri, Chloe got really upset at her and had to restrain herself from giving Terri a piece of her mind. “She’s not worth it.” I used to always tell her. “She isn’t worth anyone’s time or energy, so why waste yours on her?” Then we’d laugh at how stupid she was and call her mean but funny names. Childish, yes, but very therapeutic.

Now I was sitting in between them. Probably one of the most dangerous places in the world to be. I could feel the tension in the air like a thick fog. Then Chloe broke the cold silence by asking if I’d called everyone yet.

“No,” I answered solemnly, ashamed at my cowardice, looking down at my feet. It wasn’t until then that I realized that I hadn’t put shoes on and I was still in shorts and a t-shirt. “I didn’t call anyone but you and Nan. It was too hard.”

“It’s alright, I’ll do it.” She gave me half a smile and pulled her phone out, turning it on. “What’s your mom’s number?”

“555-9889.” I told her impulsively. She dialed it and mom picked up quickly. Chloe talked for half a minute, explaining what had happened. She was quiet for a second then told her where we were and said goodbye.

I had just started talking to Annie again about two years ago. She and Daddy had gotten a divorce when I was four. They were twenty two. And as much as my parents didn’t want me to think so, I was a mistake. Mom got in a car accident the day she was supposed to get her birth control filled and nine months later, there I was. Once they were divorced, I saw her on Sundays, sometimes all weekend. Then along came Terri, and trust me, she was nothing like Polly. She hated Annie, hated that I saw her. She was unbelievably jealous. Every Sunday I’d come home and she’d bombard me with questions about where we went and what we did. Then she’d complain that I smelled like cigarettes. So I got tired of it. And I stopped seeing my own mother. Then when I was fifteen, I decided to call her. Somehow I’d remembered her number for six years. We went out for dinner and talked for hours. We’ve been really close ever since.

“Who else?” Chloe asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Ummm…”

“What about your Grandma Lorraine? And you should probably talk to Andrew,” she told me.

“Yeah, call Grandma…but I dunno about Andrew.” I said, looking away uncomfortably.

“Why not?” She persisted because as far as she knew, Andrew and I were on speaking terms.

“Well…I just…I don’t know. I guess I should call him. He needs to know.” The truth was that Andrew and I had been fighting more and more lately. Andy was my boyfriend of a year and a half. He was a great guy and a wonderful boyfriend, but recently, we just haven’t been getting along very well. I blamed myself. I was becoming very distant, not just from Andrew, but from everyone. My best friends Lauren, Dana, and Phoebe, then Chloe, Mom, and even Daddy. I just got so tired of dealing with Terri that I got absorbed into my own little world, full of nothing but me and my books.

The last argument Andy and I had was two nights ago. We were at his house, sitting on the couch watching Forrest Gump. It was a wonder I even knew what it was we were watching because, once again I had my nose stuck in the middle of one of my Stephanie Meyer books. He made the mistake of saying that he wished I didn’t read so much. It only got uglier from there. It ended with me yelling, “Whatever Andrew!” and storming out of his front door. I got home and cried myself to sleep, I was so ashamed that I’d done such horrible things to someone I loved so much.

Sitting there in the waiting room, I knew I should call and tell him what had happened, but I didn’t know if I could. We’d fought and made up countless times, but this last one was worse. Much worse.I didn’t even know what to say to him, especially given the circumstances.

“I could call him for you if you want.” That’s why I loved Chloe. She was always willing to do anything for me, no matter what the cost. She’d take a bullet for me, and I for her. I gave her a half-hearted smile.

“Thanks, but I need to do this.” She nodded and handed me the phone, giving my hand a gentle squeeze.

I hesitated before dialing the number that I had memorized before he’d even asked me out. I almost hoped he wouldn’t answer, but he did. “Hello?”

“Andrew, it’s Heather.”

“Oh…hey, what’s up?” I could tell he was uncomfortable and tense.

“I’m at the hospital.” I mumbled into the phone.

“The hospital?! Are you okay?” The awkwardness was completely gone, replaced by his concern for my safety.

“I’m fine…my dad’s in the ER.”

Silence.

“I’m on my way, what hospital?”

“Andrew, you don’t have to-“

“What hospital?” he demanded, cutting me off. I told him. “I’ll be there in five minutes. I love you Heather.”

“I love you, too.” And I meant it. He always came through for me. No matter how mad we were at each other, he was always there supporting me. And I loved him for it.

I handed the cell back to Chloe and she took it, throwing me a questioning glance. “He’s on his way,” I told her. And I couldn’t help but smile a little, knowing that there were people looking out for me.

_______________

Twenty minutes later, Grandma Lorraine and grandpa Marty, Andrew, my dad’s brother Jim, and Mom had all arrived and we were all squished in the small waiting room chairs. We all looked as if we hadn’t been happy in years. We all loved my dad. He was just one of those people. No one liked to see him hurt when they were so used to him acting like a goofball all the time. Three years ago when he had major knee surgery, practically the entire church was there to welcome him home and they all sent us dinners every night for three weeks straight. I doubted this time would be any different. Because he was coming home, I kept telling myself. He was going to recover.

Nobody spoke so it was quiet except for the doctors and nurses bustling around waiting on patients. I was getting more and more anxious by the minute. I was hoping that the next doctor that ran by was going to tell us about Daddy. I sat there thinking that the longer they had him back there, the worse the situation was. Eventually, my anxiety pushed me really close to my breaking point and I couldn’t sit still any longer. I got up and paced back and forth, back and forth. After a half an hour of that, I got tired of it and sat back down next to Andy. About ten minutes later, I dozed off into a fitful sleep on his shoulder.

What felt like only minutes later, he was tapping me on the arm to tell me that a doctor was there to tell us what was going on with my dad. That got me up in a heartbeat.

I looked around and saw a tall, balding man in a lab coat standing in the middle of the crowded room, full of my eager family members. The expression on his face made heart beat faster. It was anything but encouraging. “I’ve got some good news and, unfortunately some bad news.”

“Could you give us the bad news first, please?” Aunt Chloe asked, grabbing my hand and giving it a squeeze.

“Yes, of course,” he answered looking down at his feet uncomfortably. My stomach turned. I was liking this less and less by the second, and I hadn’t started out liking it very much. “Mr. Clarke has some very serious injuries from the accident. He has a concussion, a broken leg, and about six broken ribs. We’ve stemmed the external blood flow, but we haven’t been able to control the internal bleeding. He’s stable right now, but there’s really nothing else we can do for him. I’m so sorry.”

There was a silence again in which my entire body was locked in a rigid state of shock. There was nothing else they could do for him. The words swirled around my head like an icy wind, chilling me to the bone. He wasn’t going to make it.

A few seconds went by like this before Andrew said quietly, “You said something about good news?”

“Yes, I did. You can all go in and see him now, one at a time of course. We don’t want to overwhelm him. And let’s start with the immediate family first,” he added. I couldn’t bear to take in the meaning of those words. “Heather? Where are you?” he asked looking at everyone.

“I’m right here.” I spoke up, my voice barely reaching a decibel that they could hear. I stepped forward shakily, away from my aunt’s comforting hand.

“He’s been asking for you ever since he woke up, so how about we go see him?” he was treating me like a little girl on her first day of kindergarten, but I hardly cared, hell, I barely even noticed. All I could think about was seeing my Daddy.So I followed him out of the cramped little waiting room and down a long, stark white, fluorescently lit hallway that seemed to stretch with every step I took. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what he looked like lying in the crisp, clean hospital bed. I don’t think I wanted to either.

Finally, we turned into room 106 on the right side of the hallway. I couldn’t help but gasp sharply when I saw his face. There was a thick bandage wrapped around his head, covering the large gash I’d seen earlier. Other than that his face was okay. A little bruised and pale, but nothing else major, except for the respirator tube coming from his nose. What really surprised me was how tired and old he looked. Much older than his 37 years.

Then I looked down at the rest of him. His body was completely limp and sickly looking. Normally, my dad was a pretty big guy, but in that bed he looked so small. So hopeless.

When he saw me, his face brightened considerably and he managed a smile. “Hey Boogs,” he whispered softly. Boogs. I’d forgotten that he used to call me that all the time. Hearing him say it again reminded me of how much I missed being his little girl.

“Hi Daddy. How are you feeling?” It was a stupid question for someone who was dying in a hospital bed, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“I’ve been better…but I’ll make it.” His voice didn’t match his words. He just sounded so weak and helpless. It was all I could do to keep from breaking down again. I walked to his side and took his hand. I could feel the slow, uneven pulse beating in time with the EKG.

“Of course you will, Daddy.” I agreed, but my words betrayed what I knew was going to happen.

“I love you baby.” We both had tears filling up our hazel green eyes. He brought my hands slowly to his lips and kissed it.

“I love you too Daddy. More than anything.” I let the tears roll down my cheeks.

“I will always be here for you, Heather. Don’t you ever forget that.” He was slipping, losing his grip on life. I could barely watch but I just couldn’t turn away.

“I know you will, Daddy. I know you will.”

“I love you…”

That was the last thing I heard before the beeping of the machine flattened out into one monotonous tone, and my Daddy was gone.