Needless to say, I didn’t go to school on Monday. I lay in bed all day long without talking, eating or moving. I just lay there. Dead to the world. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t feel. All I knew was that part of me was missing. Gone forever.

I was vaguely aware of people coming to me and trying in vain to get me to eat something, or to just talk to them. Nan, Chloe, Andrew. But I remained completely unresponsive.Swallowed by my own dark cloud of overwhelming grief.

My dad had always been there for me. My entire life was spent with him by my side. Now that he was gone, I was completely lost. I didn’t know what to do, where to go. He was the light that lit up the path that I was now wandering down blindly.

_______________

Sometime after the sun had set and cast dark shadows all over my room, angry voices penetrated the fog of gloom surrounding my mind. Nan and Aunt Chloe were arguing with Terri.

“Leave her alone, Terri!” That was Chloe’s sharp voice. “She’s going through a lot right now, let her be!”

“She’s been in there for hours! She’s got to come out sometime!” Terri’s voice was angry and frustrated.

“Heather will come out when she’s good and ready. There’s no need to rush her.” Nan was calm but firm and I thought terry would let up. I should’ve known better. She wasn’t going to give up that easily. But that’s not in her nature.

“She needs to help with the funeral arrangements! She was his daughter after all!” Terri said defiantly.

“Look Terri, you-” Chloe started, voice full of fury, but Nan cut her off.

“She doesn’t need to be a part of arranging her Daddy’s funeral. If you need help, we’ll help you. Do not drag Heather into it. She’s already depressed enough.” You just gotta love her, I thought, tears soaking my pillow case. Nan would stand up to anyone for me. She’s always been my mother at heart, and I was so grateful for it.

“Fine,” Terri spat. “I don’t care what she does anymore.”

My sentiments exactly.

I tuned out the conversation after that. I didn’t want to hear anything about a casket or where my dad was to be buried.

_______________

On Thursday, I made myself get up early and go to school. I couldn't miss anymore. The mountain of makeup work that I knew was piling up on me didn’t need to grow anymore.

When I came out of my room dressed in a t-shirt, jeans, and my chucks that I’d had for three years, with my hair thrown back into a messy ponytail and my keys in my hand, Terri gave me a strange look.

“Well, look who decided to get outta bed this morning.” I ignored her, walking down the hall and out the front door. The June heat in Chesapeake, VA was so humid that it felt as if I was walking into a cloud of hot water. I got into my little old Ford pickup and turned the engine over. It gave a small whine of complaint, and then grumbled to life. Checking to make sure my school books were still in the passenger’s seat along with at least one of my novels, I pulled away from the curb and headed out of the neighborhood.

Because it was only 7:30, an hour before school actually started, I didn’t hit any traffic in the parking lot and got a really good spot. My plan was to go to all of my teachers and get my makeup work, and then bring it to the library to try and knock some of it out. Hopefully it would keep my mind off of what had happened.

I grabbed my huge pile of books and got out of my truck. Inside the school, I headed for Mrs. Ott’s room first. She was my anatomy teacher and usually arrived early. When I walked in, she looked up from the paper she was grading and smiled. “Hi there, stranger!” she said brightly. “You’re here early.”

It took me a second to find my voice. I hadn't spoken a word in three days. When I asked her for my work, my voice cracked.

“Sure, hon,” she said. Then she stopped sifting through papers and looked right at me, apparently concerned. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I um…just caught a bug is all,” I lied. Trying to talk to her and look halfway normal made me realize how hard today was going to be. I thought I could make it through to Saturday, but now that I was here, I knew I couldn’t. “Actually, um…I don't think I’m going to be able to stay today or tomorrow. I think I’ve got a bad case of the flu; don’t want to go getting anyone else sick. So, um, can I get my work for today and tomorrow too?”

“Of course. You need your rest. You look like you haven’t slept in days.” She was right. I’d only slept for a few hours in the past three days. I kept waking up in a cold sweat, having had a dreadfully painful nightmare about the night it happened. The look on his face when he was lying in between those crisp white hospital sheets haunted my every thought. I was beginning to wonder if the image would ever leave the back of my mind.

Mrs. Ott gave me a sympathetic smile, turned and walked into her office to get the work. A few minutes later, she came back with a large stack of papers. “Here you go Heather.Most of it’s worksheets but I photocopied the notes too. They’re on the top. Now go home and get some sleep, okay.

“Thanks Mrs. Ott, I will.”

It was basically the same with all of my teachers. Occasionally I’d pass a friend in the hallway and they’d say hello but I just waved and kept on walking. I didn’t want to have to answer any difficult or uncomfortable questions. I was starting up my truck and pulling out of the parking lot before the bell even rang.

I couldn’t go back home to an empty house; I couldn’t stand being alone anymore. One person popped into my head, so I got onto the highway and pulled out my cell phone. Chloe answered immediately. “Heather?”

“Hi, Aunt Chloe, can I come over?”

“Sure, I’ll come pick you up,” she offered. Obviously, she thought I wasn’t stable enough to drive.

“Already on 64. If it’s okay, I’ll come to the Stewarts’ with you. I got all of my makeup work for the week from school today. I can work on it there with you.” The Stewarts were the family Chloe worked for. She was a nanny. The two kids, Caitlyn and Aaron, loved her to death. I’d met them a few times and they were really sweet kids.

“That should be fine. I don't leave here until two. Caitlyn gets off the bus at three. Have you eaten breakfast?” she asked, concern straining her voice. To tell the truth, I was about to starve. I had probably dropped ten pounds from having not eaten in so long.

“No, I haven’t eaten since…” I let the sentence trail off. There was silence over the line for a second until Chloe responded without missing a beat.

“Can youmeet me at IHOP in twenty minutes?” She never, ever had any food in her house. She hated cooking at home when she had spent all day cooking for the kids. Once, when I had spent the night, we tried to make French fries in a frying pan. Of course, we didn’t realize that the ice on the fries mixed with the hot oil would be painful. Thinking about the memory almost made me smile, almost.

“Yeah, see you there.”

“Okay, Heather. Love ya.”

“Love you too.”

It took me awhile, but eventually I remembered how to get to the IHOP in VA Beach. When I walked in, I saw Chloe already sitting at a booth by herself sipping on a glass of water.

“Sorry I’m so late. I got a little lost,” I apologized, sitting down across from her.

“Whatever, it’s fine. Are you alright? You did nothing but lie in bed for three days.” The worry in her eyes made me feel guilty. I didn’t want everyone to be so distressed about me when they were trying to deal with what had happened.

“Yeah, I’m … I’m fine.” I brought my eyes down to my hands that were fiddling with the ring on my left middle finger. Chloe had given it to me four years ago and I’d very rarely taken it off. There was a permanent indentation in my finger where it always rested. She called it my Aunt-Niece ring.

“If you need someone to talk to-”

“I don’t want to talk about it!” I snapped. She was shocked. It was the most callous and unforgiving thing I’d ever said to her. “I’m sorry, I just…I guess I’m not…ready yet.” I told her quietly, feeling appalled at myself that I’d spoken to her like that.

“It’s okay. I just want you to know that I’m here for you. You know that, don’t you?” The hopefulness in her eyes made me want to cry.

“Yeah, I do. Thanks Chlo. What about you? Are you okay?” We’d all cried the night he passed, but none as hard as me, Nan and Chloe. Now that she was being so strong and calm, I wondered what she was hiding underneath it all.

“It was hard. The first couple of days Matthew and I stayed home. I didn’t really want to go to work, or anywhere else for that matter. Matt’s helped a lot.” Matthew was Chloe’s husband. He was a really nice guy that Chloe absolutely adored. I’d never seen such a perfect couple.

“Good. That’s good. I’m glad he’s there for you.” Thinking about how good Matt was to her made me miss Andrew, I hadn’t spoken to him since that night.

As if reading my mind, Chloe asked, “Have you called Andy yet?”

“I haven’t talked to anyone but you.”

She just nodded. I could tell she didn’t want to push me. Just then the waitress came and asked what I wanted to drink.

“Just water, please. And I think I’m ready to order too,” I replied.

“Sounds great what will you have?”

“The stuffed French toast with a side of bacon.” I told her. It’s what I had always ever since the first time I went there with Chloe.

“And for you ma’am?” The waitress asked her.

“Buttermilk pancakes, please.” That was Chloe’s norm. For some reason we kept coming back to IHOP never getting anything different. There was just something about regularity that was comforting. It was what was making this so hard for me, for all of us. It just wasn’t normal. It was life altering, and I didn’t know if I could handle it.

The waitress went back to the kitchen with our orders, leaving Chloe and me in silence. I could feel my Aunt’s eyes on me, searching. Searching for what she knew I was holding back. Finally I looked up at her.

“What am I going to do, Chloe? I can’t live with Terri. I could move in with Mom, but that would be unbelievably difficult. She’s just getting by as it is. Where am I going to go?” I couldn't’ help it, I let the tears splash down my face and onto the table.

“Heather, calm down. We’ll figure it out. You don’t need to worry about it.” She told me soothingly, but I wasn’t sure, how could I not worry about it? Daddy was gone. My rock, my whole pillar of stability was gone, forever out of my life. “Mom and Dad and I were talking about it,” she continued. “We were thinking that you could go to live with them in North Carolina. You could finish out high school there and then go to ASU. You’ve wanted to go there for years anyway. It would work out nicely. You only have a couple more weeks of school here, then all summer to settle in down there. They don’t mind having you at all. They adore you, you know that. You can go to Lansing High School for your senior year and then to Appalachian State. You would be paying in-state tuition all the way through which is half of what you’d be paying if you stayed here. It’s perfect…Heather?” I was only half listening to what she was saying. Instead, I was thinking about what would happen if I really did move down there. And she was right, it was the perfect plan. I could get away from Terri, away from the house and all the things that reminded me of Daddy. And I loved the mountains. They were where I’d always wanted to live. Well, here’s your chance, I thought.

“Maybe that would work. But what about you?” I asked when it hit me. Not only would I be leaving Terri, I would be leaving Chloe too. And my mom, and Andy, and all of my friends. I would have a very hard time with that. I had an entire life here that I couldn't just walk away from. Sure, the mountains would be great, not being reminded that my dad wasn’t here every time I turned around would be nice, school arrangements would work out, but what about me? My whole life as I knew it would be turned upside down. Could I live with that? Could I handle that big of a change?

But there was nothing else I could do. I really didn’t have a choice.

“Well, honey…I can’t just leave here. I have a life, a husband, a job. I can’t just pick up and leave all that behind.” I saw the look of realization on her face as it dawned on her. That was exactly what I would be doing, leaving my life behind. “Oh, Heather, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay…there’s no other option. The past three days all I’ve thought about is where my life will go now that he’s not here. I came up with nothing. Absolutely nothing. Now that you’ve suggested me living with Nan and Papaw, there’s a future to think about. Somewhere to go.”

She nodded understandingly. It would be hard. We both knew that, but it had to be done.

Our waitress came and brought us the heaping piles of syrup covered food, but suddenly, I wasn’t so hungry anymore.

_______________

The wake was on Friday. I guessed Nan and Chloe along with the wonderful Terri planned the thing. I didn’t really know. Mostly I just sat curled up in my dad’s recliner, my feet tucked under me, my head resting on my hand as people came by and “gave their condolences.”

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” they said. Loss. I was so tired of hearing that word. The word loss was used when you misplaced your car keys or couldn't find the TV remote. Not when your father died. I'm very sorry for your loss.They all said it. All of them.They said it until I couldn’t stand it any longer and I just got up, and walked away.And like I do every time something goes wrong in my life, I locked myself in my room with a book, and dismissed the cruel world and all its troubles.

This time, the book was called Monster, by Frank Peretti. I chose it because I thought I would be distracting. Unfortunately, it was anything but.

I stopped reading and chucked the book across the room.Tears welled up in my eyes, clouding my vision. I brushed them away.I was tired of crying too.Being around everyone who were crying half because they were truly sad, half because they thought it was respectful, didn’t help at all.Just one more reason for me to run away from everything.

_______________

A knock came at my door when things had gotten quiet, probably Nan or Chloe. I was sitting with my back resting against the frame of the door for exactly that reason. I didn’t need anyone to bother me at that moment. I just needed to be alone, why couldn't anyone else see that.

“I know you’re in there. And I know you want to be alone. But…please…I just need to know you’re okay.” Andy’s voice trailed off in desperation. I sighed, leaning forward and pulling on the handle, but not getting up. He slipped inside and sat next to me, guarding the door.

I couldn't look at him. I knew that I’d see pity in his eyes and mine would start gushing tears again. Andy put his arm around my slouching frame and pulled me closer, kissing the top of my head. I leaned into his strong chest and blinked a thousand times trying to keep back the persistent tears fighting to be free of my eyes. Finally I just let go. It was too much effort to fight back any longer.

I don’t know how long we sat like that, tears soaking the front of his shirt and his arm steadily rubbing my back as I cried all I could cry. Eventually, I looked up at him to see that silent tears were running down his face, too. That made my heart ache even more. I knew he was crying for me, for us, for what would happen. It made me think of Aunt Chloe and my conversation the day before. How we’d come to the conclusion that the only thing I could do was move seven hours away. The thought made me cry harder. Andy noticed this and turned me around to face him. He took my face into his soft hands and wiped away the steady flow of tears pouring down my cheeks.

“What is it?” he asked. I looked away. I couldn’t bear to tell him that I would be leaving. “Is this because of what will happen? I talked to your aunt and your Nan. They said that you wouldn’t be living here much longer. And you know what? That’s okay. I love you. So much. But you and I both know that you need some time off. Even before…what happened you were feeling restless. I could tell. I was going to talk to you about it the night we had that fight, but, well you know…”

I did know. I knew exactly what he was talking about. And he was right. Maybe I did need time off. I nodded in response and rested my head on his shoulder, a familiar place. We sat for a while longer and then he took my hands and pulled me to my feet.

He gathered me into his arms and kissed me. This kiss felt different than the hundreds of others we’d shared. This one was more final and had an almost desperate feeling. Like he wanted to make it last forever, but knew he couldn’t. I felt the same way. I kissed him back, never wanting to pull away, but we did, all too soon. He looked into my eyes one last time and wrapped his arms around me in a huge bear-hug, whispering “I love you, and I always will,” into my ear.

“I love you, too, Andy.” And then he was gone.

_______________

I don’t really remember much about the funeral. Just a lot of flowers, tears, and black. Lots and lots of black. I remember thinking that when I died, I didn’t want people to dress in black. People should wear purple and blue and green and yellow. Not so sad a color as black.

_______________

The next two weeks went by in a blurry mess of thoughts and feelings. I faced my classmates and friends to tell them that my dad had died but I didn’t talk about it any further. When I was asked too many questions, I just turned away. They would eventually learn what had happened through the grapevines of Deep Creek High. Occasionally, I would run into Andrew, but mostly I just avoided him. When I was forced to face him, he was very nice about it, just smiling and walking away.

I finished my classes with fantastic grades, mostly because I tried to block out all the pain with studying and homework. I aced my finals with flying colors and ended the year with 4.0 GPA. Most kids would be happy with themselves, but happiness no longer had much of a place in my world.

_______________

Three days after the last day of school, I could be found sitting in the middle of my room, stacking my books in alphabetical order into a huge brown cardboard box. I was concentrating hard on not getting any of them out of order when I heard a light tap on the open door frame. “Heather?” I heard my Nan ask. “How are you doing?”

“Fine, I guess.” I replied.

“Looks like you’re about done.”I just nodded. Everything but my precious books had been packed up in boxes that were sitting around my room creating a giant canyon for me to sit in the middle of. All of my furniture had been taken out the day before except my bookshelf. I wanted that saved for last.

“I didn’t realize you had so many books.” Nan said, trying to strike up a conversation. I had gotten this from many people over the last few weeks and had grown accustomed to it. I usually just gave short answers that were impossible to follow up on so that the sympathetic person would be forced to give up and walk away.

“Mmmm.”

“Must’ve taken a while to organize them all.”

“Not really.”

She didn’t know what else to say and I knew it. And at that moment, I knew something else:that I was disgusted with myself. She was grieving too. She had just lost her son and was trying to comfort me, but I was refusing her. And that had to hurt. I got up and wrapped my arms around her shoulders. She squeezed me into a tight hug and we stayed there for a long time, both of us trying our best not to cry.

­­­_______________

The night before I left to drive to North Carolina, I got a phone call from my mom. It was the first time we’d talked since she had found out that I was moving away. She hadn’t been too happy with the situation, insisting that I go and live with her, but eventually I convinced her that she needed to let me go, that this was the best solution all around.

“So you’re leaving tomorrow, huh?” she asked after I picked up the phone.

“Yeah.” It was hard to talk to her knowing that after tomorrow I wouldn’t be seeing her for a very long time. I had learned to love my mom very much over the past few years, after not having much to do with her in the past. I was going to miss her terribly, as I would everyone else, but what else could I do?

“What time? I wanna be there to see you off.” She told me, making me want to cry again.

“I’ll be leaving really early in the morning. Probably around five or so. I can understand if you don’t want to make it out here that early.”

“Of course I want to. You don’t think I would let you leave without saying goodbye?” I could hear the hint of a smile in her voice.

“No, momma, I don’t. So I guess I’ll see you bright and early then?”

“Before the sun comes up.” She paused for a second, not knowing what else to say. “I love you, babe. So much. And I’m going to miss you.”

“I’m gonna miss you too, momma. I love you.”

“Bye baby.”

“Goodbye.” And I hung up the phone.