Sophia looked over the 14th letter and sighed deeply. Her insides hurt inside her. She was flooded again with the sickening feeling that she was being lured back to a place that she'd rather not be. Was Adam her friend or was he just trying to pick at old wounds?
She was beginning to feel old feelings again and not all good. The ones that reminded her of why she stopped talking to him in the first place. It was great to have moments and think about "Oh yeah … I remember when that happened and it sucked completely," and realize that the memories weren't always there to remind you of how things "sucked completely."
Maybe that was the act of moving on and letting go. In given time it helps you focus on the now until someone from the past brings it all up again. Sophia tossed the rest of the letters in a shoe box. Her cell phone was ringing; she looked down at it and recognized the number. Maybe it was a mistake to give Adam her new cell number. She thought it would be nice to talk again without the suspicions. They spoke on the phone almost every other night, up until he met her at the park again and gave her the rest of the letters and now he was blowing up her phone with missed calls, voice mails and text messages.
"Sophia …. come on answer your goddam phone." Adam gritted his teeth and tossed it on the bed. He lay his back on his pillow and let the tears flow down his face. Everything just seemed to be going wrong today. These days happen, he couldn't let it self destruct. He needed to channel the negativity and not let himself delve into the pain.
Yesterday was also a very emotional day for him. After he came home from St Anthony's, he cried for a least an hour in his room, trying not to let the world's weight crush him. These days happened, more than he wanted them to but after the feeling passed, he sat up in bed and wrote in his journal for an hour. He felt better until he started to call Sophia and realized that she was avoiding him like everyone else in his life did when they make the decision to move on and forget your existence.
He called back leaving a voicemail, explaining his wrongs, his need for control, his faults and his understandings. He apologized again and again, asking for forgiveness.
"I understand who I am now and I think that can sometimes bother others. I am stubborn too Sophia, but so are you. You need to realize that side of yourself. I am not in this all on my own. But for once things seem to be making sense lately. Alright Sophia, (play this game) this is the last time I am calling you today. I am coming over and I don't care who sees me." Adam hung up the phone.
He gets up to grab his coat, his wallet and his car keys.
Sophia unaware of the last voice mail, gets herself ready to go take a shower. No one was home for the weekend again. Her brother was on a field trip and her mother was at a Tupperware party.
After lighting her 2 new candles and placing them discreetly on the bathroom counter, she slowly began to zip down her black pleaded skirt and let it fall toward the floor. Then, she started to take off her white sweater. She climbed slowly into the shower and began regulating the water. Silently, like a swan she let the hot water splatter against her face. As she stood their with the water falling slightly on her, she closed her eyes and began to listen to a tune inside her head hoping that someone else could hear it too. She turned around and began to smooth back her dark hair from her face. Thoughts began to float into her mind as she stood there in that same spot. Sophia sighed as she laid her head against the cold tiled wall. She turned around letting the water fall softly on her back. She was like a swan among the swans now, no longer the ugly duckling. But she was never the ugly duckling for she was never ugly. She always knew that she wasn't, but sometimes she failed to see it. She envisioned Glen reaching for her, his hands on her like her body was his own. She knew he had no right to hurt her like that, but he was about to do it anyways. Clasping her hands over face, she took a deep breath and let the steam rise up and greet her. She held herself tightly, her bruises were clumped around one shoulder like pimples. She looked down at herself noticing them for the first time and wondered why they were there and then she remembered she hadn't taken her medicine again like predicted. What she was seeing was something that already happened. She was covered in black and blue marks and trembling in the shower.
Sophia rushed into her room frantically looking for her bottle of pills. Her hair was up in a towel and another was wrapped tightly around her waist and chest.
"I don't believe how careless I have been." The panic attacks were arising through out her body.
"A person does not have to be behind bars to be a prisoner. People can be prisoners of their own concepts and ideas. They can be slaves to their own selves." Adam recited the quote. She turned around shocked to see him sitting in her bed. He had climbed through her window prior to her stepping out to take the shower. "That's by Maharaji. I read it today and it reminded me of a lot of things and especially of you." He told her.
Sophia didn't even utter a sound, she just looked at him confused.
"Don't ask, but you shouldn't keep your window wide open like that. Anyone can just come on in."
"Anyone? You mean people like you?" She walked over to shut and locked it.
"I'm not just anyone but yes."
"You are lucky no one else was home."
"I told myself I didn't really care if they were or not. I just needed to see you."
Sophia gripped her dresser tightly as her head started to spin. She couldn't find her pill bottle.
"You are so stubborn you know that?" Adam spoke out. Sophia looked down at her arms again seeing hideous welts and bruises. She turned to him just in that moment, she looked terrified.
"You can see it too?"
Adam wasn't ready for that reply back from her.
"Well … yeah."
"You can?" She walked closer, showing her his arms. "I'm not just crazy here?"
"Well slightly off but definitely stubborn." Adam admitted.
"The bruises, Adam. Can't you see them too?"
Adam peered closer, he wasn't sure what he was looking for.
"I don't understand."
"I climbed into the shower and all of a sudden I had all of these marks all over my body. It's happened before. No one else can see them but me. What is the justice for anyone if they let one guilty man free? In the end they eventually free them all."
"I am not guilty anymore Sophia." Adam assured her. "And I know you are hurting inside, but so am I."
"But can't you see them too? Can't you see the bruises?" She repeated again. Her eyes were welling up with tears.
Adam looked nervous for her.
"Sophia, are you alright?"
"I used to be." She said. "I think. But no one will ever see these tears for the rain falls on me as well. The fate is my own that I cannot escape from. She started to think about, what's the good of living when all that you love is gone? She knew that was something that none of them wanted to hear, because they cannot face the truth. And the truth is that the world would not listen to the words of a little girl lost; they won't let her speak."
Adam realized what it was. He sensed it. This has happened to her before, maybe not with him in her room but in a place far away. A place that he saw upfront what madness really was like in that cabin upstate.
"Sophia, did you take your pills today?"
"I lost the bottle." She confessed.
"Oh boy." He said.
"Will you help me find it?" She asked him. "Please."
"Of course. Everything will be fine." He promised her. "Dry yourself off, get dressed and relax. I will find them for you."