'For what profits it a man to cast off the yoke of oppression of another,if he remain a slave to the fears that dwell within the twilight of his own soul?' Conan the barbarian.

But I am determined that when we meet I won't make it easy for the fucker. And If there is a way to stop running, a way to turn and face him, a way to kill him once and for all, then believe me,I will take it; for God knows the things we will do to avenge ourselves.

For now I have no options. They are on me like dogs with the scent of fear and they will not, will not stop, 'not matter what jon connor he will not stop'. The thought makes me laugh out loud, and as I haven't spoken for days the voice sounds strange, alien, hollow; its the laughter of fear and of grief, of a man who has become a husk of memories, somehow no longer human. Am I still human? I don’t know anymore. For now, at least, I am only a wraith, a golem, a shadow. I pass you as a whisper, indistinct and distant. I use versions of myself as you use clothes; a builder, a businessman, a tourist, a doctor, a soldier on leave, a myriad of disguises. I seek out the masses, the crowds, for only in the crowds I am alone, unnoticed, concealed, if only for a time. And I watch for them everywhere. Everywhere.

And, as the good lord said, ‘ if you have eyes to see then see, and if you have ears to hear then hear’.

It’s hot, beautiful, and I’m free. I mean the freedom you have when you own nothing, when you travel with no ties with no destination, with no responsibility. Alive and free. The beautiful god-given hedonism which I had wanted all my life had arrived and I as loving every minute of it.

So, the US, Canada, Indonesia, and now Thailand. Four countries in three years. I had no particular reason to be in Thailand, although my old friend lloyder had recommended the place highly; ‘mate, you’ll love it. Great weed fucking unbelievable beaches, and the women, man they are top banana’. That thinking made sense whether you were stoned out of your box or not. So I took two jobs in Boston (cash in hand of course), and when I had saved up enough, took the first plane took the first plane out of Chicago to Bangkok. And on March 19th 1988 I ended up in paradise, Had Rin beach Ko phanghan, southern Thailand, an undeveloped and unscrewed paradise. Ioccasionally kidded myself that I was heading home, be it by a circuitous route, but that was bullshit and I knew it. What the fuck would I go back to? Home didn’t seem to have a lot left for me, maybe some family and friends but aside from that the usual shitty weather and low paid jobs. No, too many of my friends had come back and ended up fucked, back on the friggin dole again, endlessly repeating the mantra ‘why the hell did I come back here?’. Coupled with that the place was heading for a bloody recession. So it made sense to me to stay away, to keep going, to see where this great adventure would take me. And everything was fine, my world was great, it was easy, things were cool. I had everything a man needs, sea, sunshine and the occasional screw; and if for some bizarre reason I needed intellectual stimulation I would just skin up and head down to one of the cafes to seek out any one of the highly intelligent shroom heads that were often down there tripping their tits off, or exchange a book with some traveller fresh in from Samui. To myself, and everyone else I was just another backpacker, a stone head, enjoying the parties, the music, the people the experiences, life itself. That’s the way I wanted it, and that’s the way I liked it. I was free.

And then everything changed.

The first thing I noticed was the eyes. Green eyes, clear, as crystal as the blue sky on that all to picture perfect beach. But the eyes had something else, it sounds crazy, but like there was a force behind them; I couldn’t place the feeling it gave me, but it was strange, very strange, and it caused a physical sensation, like electricity moving from the base of the spine upwards through my back and towards the front of my head. It made me feel light, physically light, as though some physical change had occurred in my body, as though I was being changed, as though something was being ‘done’ to me.

The next thing I noticed was her smile. It was sexual, enticing, a smile that men could kill for, (and they would, in time). The sarong around her body moved gently with the beach breeze, revealing the hourglass figure; lithe would sum it up, lithe but Christ, so beautifully well proportioned, a firm body built for sex.

‘Are you travelling?’

She seemed utterly relaxed as she sat down on the sand beside me and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and began to roll a joint.

Other details began to sink in, observations picked up in a microsecond and only now filtering through my mind. The smooth tanned skin, blonde hair, and she was European, maybe Swiss or Austrian.

‘Yeah, well, I mean the last couple of years I have been’. I could hear the change in the pitch of my voice, nervous, caught off guard, fumbling my words like a teenage boy. Also I was still slightly fucked from the morning’s joint which I had shared with Lazlo.

‘And you?’

'Me? I live here. Over there.' She pointed at the horizon, towards the east and beyond the bay. ' I'm Tanni, by the way'.

'Nice to meet you , I'm Andy', her hands felt feminine but strong and sensual.

The spliff had been completed and she passed it over. Man this Thai weed, it did the business. I was floating.

Have you ever had that feeling that you click with somebody? I have, occasionally, and I that feeling now. We chatted for hours, smoking the weed, and talking about anything and everything . I liked her, genuinely like her. And she in turn seemed to like me. But of courseI know now that that was the way they had planned it.

'So Andy how about coming for a drink in Dors place?'

Dor was a Thai, and his family had been the first people to set up a cafe on Pan gan; Jesus what a goldmine - he's probably a millionaire now. I remember when I met him. Me and Ro had been so skint that we had asked to pitch a tent between the bungalows, even though they only cost $2 a night. Dor had never seen a tent, and was curious; he spent the next two weeks in it, while we traded up for free to a beach side bungalow.

'Sure, why not'.

It was late afternoon when we entered the cafe. I loved these places, wood, sand, beach, curry and smoke - oh and a little Mekon Whiskey to wash it all down. I was feeling great, maybe better than great. I had landed on my feet again - God was smiling down on me, or so I thought.

I remember that evening as clearly as if it were yesterday. We sat together at the furthest table from the bar overlooking Had Rin bay, and Tanni ordered two beers and a couple of whiskey chasers.

And that was when He arrived.

I can see him in my mind's eye now and it still makes me feel cold, sick - as though my guts are being wrenched out from my stomach.

As he entered the bar my eyes were immediately drawn to the man. He was tall, unusually tall, maybe 6 foot 7, and had a bizarre appearance. His hair was excessively blond tightly curled and of shoulder length; he was thin, yet strong, muscular, well defined. In another life he could have been a boxer or an athlete, such was his build.

His choice of clothing was not about to win any Paris Fashion Awards - skin tight pink lycra shorts; nothing else just skin tight pink lycra shorts. And there was also something else; as he walked in the local Thais seemked to melt away. One minute Dor and his family had been hanging around, laughing, joking, serving food the Parangs (Westerners), and the next they were gone - I mean gone. They knew better than to hang around.

But of all of it, of all the fragments, the reconstructions, the hell that I revisit day after day after day; of all of it of this I am certain. It was planned from then until now; - planned down to the last detail.

As he entered the cafe Tanni turned and stared directly at me. All pretence vanished as the person I believed i had been talking to for the last few hours unravelled.

'I'll be leaving now', she said coldly, exchanging a Knowing look with the newcomer. ' I guess you two have a lot to discuss'.

TBC

Roly.