Should I, Should I not?
"An admiration which comes from within is the true appreciation of self". The moment she came across this quote in a book she was reading, she immediately kept it down, she took a deep breath and released a gush of air to clear out everything her heart might have acknowledged. She checked her phone which was on silent mode; there were no messages or phone calls. Little upset with an anticipated result she switched on the television to escape her thoughts, to suppress the relentless voice in her head which was slowly destroying the peace of her mind, but nothing on an idiot, dull box was able to keep her mind engaged, she switched off the television and checked her mobile again; still no messages or phone calls.
Sound of clock was cunningly reminding her of the fact she didn't want to acknowledge. Her best friend, Avi had always warned her that she was dating a wrong person but she never approved or accepted his understanding. Not because he was wrong, but she didn't wanted him to be proven right. She had called Sunny her boyfriend, in the afternoon, but his phone was busy, she felt bad that her call wasn't given preference over an ongoing call but she didn't let that thought play with her mind. It was now evening; moon was slowly stamping its authority over a cloudless night, she checked her clock for the 5th time in 10 minutes, it was 8 pm and still there wasn't any response from his side.
He wasn't the most caring, understanding or loving person she had come across but he had looks and that is all what mattered to her. All her life, Alia in her mid 20's, rich daughter of a poor dad, living alone in a lavish apartment bought by her parents, confirmed herself to a notion that she was not beautiful. Her definition was strictly based on looks and she hated every single tissue of her body. She had spent a good amount of her father's money on deceiving herself from her own self. From head to toe, all she had for an invisible man in the clouds was complaints.
She never kept the same hairstyle for more than two months, she possessed 27 different colored eye lenses, her shoe rack contained 240, different footwear and her life supporting make up kit included all branded face lifting tools. She never wore the same dress twice yet she failed miserably to escape her own eye. She was always complimented for the accessories and clothes she wore but was never appreciated for the smile she carried on her face. There were few who taunted her extravagant show off but those claims never bothered her as she always knew what she was doing.
He was the most popular guy in the collage, the captain of the basketball team, tall and attractive, he was desired and he was dating her. His presence made her comfortable and complete, she always felt good about herself when she was with him. He never pampered her or made her feel special with any kind of surprising gift but she always relished his presence around her, not because of what he had but mainly because of what she lacked. More than a relationship it was an effort from her side to safeguard an exaggerated illusion from a cunning reality.
Should I, Should I not?
It was half past nine, still no message or phone call. The artistically decorated room was now appearing unclean, the Kashmiri mattress on the floor was looking dirty, Mf Hussain's painting on walls weren't properly arranged, and the colorful lamp along with fish tank was appearing untidy and unhygienic. To escape the arrogant needle of time, she pulled out a dusting cloth and stated to clean up an already neaten place, re-arranging everything which was already in an elegant order. There was disgust and anger in unspoken words of her eyes. She wanted to pick up the phone dial his number and unleash her emotions on him, letting him know how disrespectful he was to all the things she had done for him in name of love. She showered him with most expensive brands of clothes without his wish or demand, the expensive Rolex he had on his wrist was her commitment shown towards his love, the surprise parties organized to celebrate anything special in his life was a gesture of care and letting him enjoy her body was her trust which she wanted to be destroyed. She wanted to cry, shout make him feel guilty for her pain she was bearing inside but an ego manifested pride was stopping her from taking an action she should have taken a lot earlier in her life. Avi always told her that he was taking advantage of her innocent emotions but she always ignored him, because an average looking, honest guy who admired her for what she was and had confessed his loyal feelings for her was not match she was looking for her heart which was filled with useless, unnecessary, unspoken tags.
Should I, Should I not?
She was tired but didn't want to sleep, a strange thought was keeping her awake, a violent battle between what she wanted and what she was getting, was tearing the fabric of her lie in which she had carefully knitted the thoughts of her 'hopeful tomorrow'. She was at her friends wedding last night because of which she didn't slept the entire night, and in the morning she was on a spiritual journey to shopping malls, spending the valueless papers from her dad's earning on materialistic dirt just to buy some satisfaction for mind. It was now more 24 hours that she had slept. Mind had already given up hope of a wireless call but it was an urge of her heart which was keeping her awake, with hopeless eyes she checked the phone again; still no messages or calls. It was not something which was happening with her for the first time and this was the precise reason why this time she wanted a call from the other side. Her dusting of a clean house was over, television was boring, book was cruel, timing was ticking, sleep was knocking the eyes but the phone wasn't ringing. To fight the sleep, she started scanning her latest purchase which she did that morning; she was carefully admiring the plastics and cans which she bought to whiten up her brown skin when she came across an item she thought she never bought.
It was weird looking round antique mirror. It was broken and was looking 'ugly' and this was the reason why she was sure that she hadn't bought it. There was good amount of dirt assembled on that ancient piece. She carefully wiped the glass and stared at her own reflection with confusion and interest. "You are a weak and insecure person", she felt a jolt, a sudden stream of fear ran down her spine, there was a sweat on her palms and her body was shivering, she thought she heard a voice, a voice which was coming from the mirror. She threw the mirror on the bed and jumped out of it.
She was still out of her bed, trying to clam herself down, giving herself the possible explanations, she was tired, hadn't slept well and was little tense, may be all that jumbled up in her mind and produced a haunting sound of truth she desperately wanted to ignore.
She was still standing and staring at the mirror, sleep from her eyes and a thought of call from her mind was gone. She was convincing herself that what happened few hours ago was a trick of her fragile mind and there was nothing to be alarmed off. Relaxation in her breathing confirmed that she had successfully mastered the fear of her mind.
She returned to her bed, nervously glanced at the creepy thing. How and from where it had appeared was not a question that was thought, she assembled some guts to pick the mirror up and with tremendous effort and lengthy prayer she looked into it again.