Mr. Martin
A Biography
Written by Jon Wittoesch
Preface
When one of my classmates prompted my English teacher, Mr. Martin, with a question about his grade, Martin was hasty to reply. This peer is notorious for having the dumbest questions that often involve very crude sex jokes that waste a good fourth of seventh period. Some of his questions would sometimes hit toward normal. One of them came out to be something along the lines of, “If I write a biography about you, do I still have to take the exam?”
Mr. Martin answered his question with reasonable hope, but being the class clown my peer was, he would never have followed up.
Mr. Martin’s answer is what inspired me to write this biography.
(1)
The Beginning
Born in the mist of the post-depression era, Brian Thelonious Martin was born on the thirtieth of February in the great year of 1964. Normally, leap years occur of the twenty ninth of February, but this day was the Ultra Leap Year (ULY for short which through years of folklore became ELY). But it was some trick to be born on ELY; the birth mother must first invoke the great flying spaghetti monster to extend the year to 367 days. After praying to the Great Spirit, the father of the child must sacrifice a famous author of the pre-existential era. The author he picked was Charlotte Bronte. To keep from getting caught from the police, Brian’s dad, Bruno, wrote the horrible book Jane Eyre under the name of Charlotte Bronte.
After the Sacrifice and the summoning of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Brian was ready to be born. Some time passed and after 22 hours and three teams of doctors, Brian was born. At twelve pounds and fifteen ounces, Brian was a very healthy baby, and was sent home with his mother, Annette, and his father Bruno.
The Homestead
After about fifteen minutes of trying to think of something to write, I think I’ve actually found something to write about.
Brian was raised in a small concrete room with a blanket and a typewriter (the same typewriter that can be found in his non concrete teaching room at Oakwood High School) along with a role of paper, and ink ribbon.
Brian spent hours upon hours in his young years trying so hard to write stories, but he was only one, and all he had ever written was critical essays on existentialism, he just wasn’t ready for a novel.
Years and years passed and Brian excelled through his school and went to college at a very young age of sixteen. Brian attended the college of Syracuse where he spent over 10 years studying education and English.
The Jobs
Brian spent a year of quality time teaching inner city ATL for very little money. After being publicly humiliated by some of his students, Brian moved into Dayton, Ohio where he found a job as the Chief Editor of the Dayton Daily Harold. When the new news paper fell through the floor after two weeks of business, Brian was out of the job.
With the loss of some English teachers at a near by high school, Brian thought he would give another try at teaching. He met the superintendent, Dr. Judy Hennisssssy for an interview and was hired on spot and began teaching right away.
Pretty much nothing interesting happened from when he was hired to nowish, except that he had a baby with his wife and he became chairmen of the English Department. I’m sure that there could have been some other achievements, but I doubt it.
His Future?
Brian’s future has not yet been determined, but his second birthday will be coming up in less than sixty years.
Next his wife will find out about the drug running and the mistresses and the other children.
He wont die.
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