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Things I wish I could of said if I was someone else.


Submitted:Jun 21, 2011    Reads: 50    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


You call me. I ask you where you've been, though, the answer is resting there on your lips, the lips I so desperately missed, but I look directly at them and I'm instantly disgusted. Disgusted that my very own could be meshed with such a disease. I carry myself with ease, trying to leave no hint of the pain you've caused, knowing quite well, you cannot see the scar you left on my brain. When you got in that little, red, car and sped off, I thought my heart was tarnished for good. Yet, here it is, still beating in my chest as I listen to the excuses. I wonder if you can hear the beat too? You ask if I'll take you back, I try to simply imagine that. I give it a moment to register. The montage of kisses invade my head, the tear filled phone calls, the hang ups…I shake my head vigorously, as if what was insideis a snow globe, and could easily be covered with white flecks. You touch my hand, I swiftly move it away from your grasp. I wonder where that hand has been, what it's fingers dipped into, while I've been away. I shiver, the thought is too gruesome, I abruptly want to go take a bath. I feel dirty enough for the both of us. The trust. It was never there, just lovely storytelling, I always was fond of a good fantasy, the ending I always seemed to loath in my not so picture perfect reality. Never quite the storybook outlook I always looked forward to as a little girl. You lean in to kiss me gently, I turn. "I messed up, okay?" you begin to protest. I stare at you blankly, why did I agree to this meeting anyway? I guess, I just wanted to see if your pretty coating finally slipped off, only revealing your deceitful core to the public eye. Physically, your face has suffered a slight breakout, you're scruffy, something I use to enjoy to indulge in when I'd kiss you, still semi cute. I remember that, I use to toy you with that exact same phrase. Sometimes those like you, that see themselves in such a bright light, need to sit in the dark by themselves for awhile. I wonder if you have? No, I know you're always out stealing someone's gleaming light, to shine it bright and vibrantly on yourself, and yourself alone. "She wasn't you, I thought I could escape your memory but I can't, I still want to have that connection we shared before, to see if it's still there….you know?" You break into my trailing thoughts. Her. I remember her faintly, how embedded the two of you planted yourselves in my mind. Just a ghastly weed was the finished product of it all. She was always between us, a wedge, wasn't she? Waiting for her chance to pounce. You dangled her in front of my face, you found others to tease me with as well. Somehow my gates always opened for you in the end. You knew the entrance password, say something cute, brush me the right way. You studied the game well, or maybe you always had the perfect prey to play with before you slaughtered their hearts in a haste. I close my half eaten heart to all now. Oh, how I've missed the sex, if only it could be guilt free sex. I always found myself turning away from you anyway. Something I'm tempted to do right this very moment. Though, a twit, this girl was my friend at one point, as plastic and replaceable asshe may be. I'm sure her gates opened widely for you. My heart stops for a spilt second. I can no longer find one good memory we've shared together. My mind is decomposing it all like yesterday's trash. Old news, an over told tale of mistake. As if you've just read my thoughts, I hear you start to say, "Remember that time we…" I put my hand over your open mouth, "Don't bother, I think you should go back to her, she's so small, so insignificant, her value is low, and she's willing to believe the lies you've told me, I was stupid to come here." I walk off, leaving you in awe. You were expecting such a different ending, a predictable, teenage girl, finish. So did I.





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