A Frightening Thought
(Hasn't Happened Yet)
Getting the one phone call that makes my
stomach get a good work out.The walk to the phone gets longer and
it seems like I will never get there. My heart races and the ring
seems to surround me, suffocating, unbearable, dreading to hear
those words. Those words that make my throat swallow my mouth.My
hands shake when I pick up the receiver, the thump, thump, thump
of my heart beat drowns my ears as a storm comes in from the west
on an angry ocean waves.A strained "Hello" pushes it self out.It
was an effort, like trying to say something in a dream and
nothing comes out.
"We regret to inform you that your mother
has passed away." I hear the strange caller. Do they really
regret to inform me? Do they really care that my mother is dead?
Do they know her like I do? Do they even know what it is like to
lose their mothers; their confidant? Was she there for them?What
are they sorry for?
feel like I am frozen in time, as the whole earth stops to tell
me the horrid news.Who is going to be by my side?Who is going to
help me when I am in jam or sick with the flu?I don't say
anything; the person on the other line keeps saying "Hello, are
you there?" I still don't speak.I hang up the phone detached from
my body. It feel like I am a puppet and someone was pulling the
For the first time I feel like I can't move
on. I feel something beside me, but out of reach.I thought I
heard a whisper, "everything is going to be alright", when
feeling like my world is dieing before my eyes.
stranger, reads our mothers Will and Testament. We try to
remember what she said; which family gets what? An empty house
without my mother, an empty room, nothing left but her smell to
remind us that she is still with us.Pictures to remind us of the
good times, and we gather together and share memories that bring
the tears and the bittersweet laughter.
The long drive to the shore,to my mother's
favorite place where we go to say good-bye to our mother for one
last time.My heart feels tight. My throat wants to sob for one
last time.Slow movements out of the car when we arrive. I take
out our mother and I give it to my brother to do the honors.Each
of us takes a turn saying our good -byes.Oldest goes
am unable to say anything. I have written what I want to say. My
words are lost in an ocean of tears. I try to speak again, but
all that comes out is choking back on the tears.
brother sets her free. She flies away to the heavens, becoming a
part of the air, the ocean, the rain and the earth which keeps
her alive for eternity.