It was the most terrifying decision I ever had to make. It's not
as if I had a huge field of choices I could pick as if they were
daisies. Though, I finally know what I must do, as I sit on the
paper covered table top. If I moved even an inch you would hear
the crinkle of the paper.
I'm in this sterile little cubicle as I wait for
Doctor Shaffer. He's a specialist doctor, which is why he's going
to about this. . . This thing that has been unrightfully planted
in my body.
You might wonder why I say that this abominable
growth was "unrightfully planted". You might think I get what I
deserve to not control the urge to be a whore. But, that's not it
at all. It's not like I wanted that monster to smother me with
such terrible truths.
Last february I met this really cool guy. He was good
looking and was just really awesome (on my own freakish terms).
He had medium length black hair, with dark olive eyes. He has the
most perfect nose; yes, I have a thing for noses, simply because
I don't like my own. Anyhow, that day he was wearing black pants
with an awesome shirt advertising Lamb of God.
He was new at West View, our high school, and I just
knew something was bound to happen. I volunteered (which I don't
odten do) to be his guide around campus, for the dear of never
getting the courage to introduce myseld to him any other time.
So, I showed him around campus, while just finding out about him.
Of course, we exchanged names, his is Chris, and I told him mine
was Angie. I wasn't going to tell him it was short for Angelina
because it is too prima donna for me.
Anyhow, we really hit it off and even got plans to
hang out the very next weekend. I was so ecstatic, but I
couldn't, you know, seem like it, without accidentally sending
off the preppy vibe I have tried to ward off since freshman year.
I also still had to act like everything was casual, even if he
was probably the cutest guy I have seen in a while. Anyhow, on
our "date" we just cruised around Phoenix, went into some vintage
record stores, looked at some guitars, aw well as getting some
food to eat at Pete's Fish and Chips.
It might sound lame to whoever might bbe reading
this, but you know, who cares? I though that night was probably
the highlight of my pathetic little life, even now, when I know
what tupe of person Chris really is. So, we hung out allot, since
there were only about ten metal-heads in our entire school.
Sadly, my friend Roxxi and I were the only girls of that
There were times when ouur whole little posse of
misfits would just go out into town and terrorize and set fire to
little kids. Nah, just kidding. We'd all just go to the mall, as
there were quite a few of our gang that enjoyed five finger
discounts. Well, every time I hung out with Chris, it was just
hanging out as friends. But in march he showed up at my house and
told me to come with him. He said, "I have a very small surprise
for you, if you are willing to come with me for a little
I replied, "Okay, let's go then," as I grabbed my
wallet and pulled on my Korn beanie and slipped into my Salvation
Army jacket. It was very windy that week, even though it really
shouldn't have been. Only twenty minutes in the car, we landed in
front of the Glendale Arena, where you could just hear the manic
screaming. I couldn't help it, "Oh. My. God. You got Otep
tickets?" I just threw it all up. Every bit of evidence that has
contradicted who I am since I was fourteen. I had puked up every
bit of evidence that I used to be a prep.
"No. We're gonna sneak in and end up spending the
night in the local jail house. Yes, I bought two Otep tickets.
One expecially for you," Chris alost sang out those words.
Again, those terrible impulses. I almost trampled him
fown just hugging him. "You are too freaking awesome. Thank you
so much. Too awesome!"
"Let's get in before the show stats. Although, there
is one catch." We started walking towards the arena.
"Oh, and what's that? Don't tell me I have to give
you my soul. I already gave it to the devil." Oh yeah, I'm
teasing. I might be atheist, but not a devil worshipper. I am
spiritual on my own terms.
"Oh damn it! Then I guess you'll just have to be my
girlfriend to make it up." He looks down at me and I smile with a
smile bigger than that of a plastic doll's.
"Oh well, if I have to. I think that arrangement
might work." I reply to him as we finally get to the entrance. He
hands over our tickets, and we are allowed in. I grab his hand as
I shout over everyone else, "We have to get to the front."
We elbow our way to about ten feet from the stage as
Otep starts performing "War Head". I ended up screaming just as
much as she did. The next day I slept in extra late, as it was
the last actual day of spring break, even though we still had the
weekend. The rest of the weekend my voice was so raspy and almost
invisible I was freaking out, afrraid the loss could have been
Once school resumed we hung out as if everything was
normal, although of course we left c lass to make out in the
hallways every once in a while. Ah, the power of text messaging.
. . It was a great time.
So, about a month after otep, Slipknot's Subliminal
Verses Tour ended up in Arizona, finally. We of course, ended up
going. I enjoyed every single song played there. The concert was
great, but once we left the night turned into a nightmare. I'm
sure the devil cringed at what Chris did.
Yes, that was the night Chris ended up raping me.
After the show he drove my towards my house, but instead of
turning into my development, he drove into an area that was being
constructed and therefore was deserted so late at night. I asked
him, "Where are you going? It's getting late and I'm kind of
"I have another surprise for you. Don't worry. It'll
be great." Chris looks at me and smiles.
I retort, with alarm in my voice, "But, my parents
said that after the concert I go home. Come on, turn
"Oh, but I want to spend some more time with you.
Don't worry." He would not listen, it was almost as if he was
possessed with a demon. No matter how much I pleaded he would not
I tried to grab at the steering wheel, to swerve off
the road. Chris glared at me, and pulled over. "Don't you love
me, babe? You said you did, yet you haven't proved it. Tonight is
supposed to be fun. If you want, we can spend the whole night
"N-no. Stop. T-take m-me h-h-home now," I stuttered
these sad little words with tears dripping down my face. My black
liner was dripping like blood down my cheeks.
"You are going to prove your love to me tonight. I
deserve it, doing all these little things for you. : Chris
grabbed both my wrists and got on top of me, pinning me to the
seat. With my petite size of barely five feet, I was quite stuck.
I'll spare the details.
No matter what, there is not a single word that can
describe how terrible and wrong the rape truly was. Anyhow,
afterwards he booted me out of the car to walk home. I did not
have my cell phone and I ended up walking home, which was only
about three miles away, but still pretty scary, considering the
time of night. When I got home I told my mom what happened and
she called the police to report the molestation, while my step
dad was in their bedroom watching the television. I am surprised
my mom never reported him to the police. He is an abusive man and
my mom used to be so independent. She lost it when dad left
The police interrogated me over and over again with
almost the same questions, I wasn't even able to go to sleep
until the sun had woke up, with its brilliant rays hurting my
weak, sleep-deprived eyes. The police kept a local look out for
Chris, as he had even been reported running away by his parents.
He told me he had wanted to try to make it in Seattle, like other
musical artists had. Maybe he went there. But, it's not as if my
case was big enough to be National news.
Anyhow, about three weeks later I missed my period. I
got really paranoid and bought a pregnancy test. I looked at the
package it came in, and the dreaded truth was known. Chris had
released the virus of life into a lone egg. The process of
pregnancy had begun. I was devastated. My mom was at work, as
with my step dad, and I didn't really have anyone close to talk
to. I blasted some Korn. I cried and yelled. I broke glasses and
stated mutilating my pale arms with those crystalline shards. It
was so sad. There is one line in Fight Club where marla
says, "I want to have your abortion." When I was thirteen I
thought it was kind of romantic in a sick way. Now I'm sixteen,
and wished Chris never did this to me.
When my mom came in the house she freaked out. Before
she could yell, I embraces her, hugging her, crying, as I sobbed
out, "Ch-Ch-Chris knocked me up. Damn him. He's forcing me to
have. . . Have a child of evil hatred." I cried some more. I
hated Chris so much for what he did. My mom told me to get in the
shower while she cleaned up the mess I made. I felt bad for being
so destructive and then having my mom pick up the pieces when it
wasn't even her fault.
When I was through trying to calm down, long after I
had got out of the shower, I came out of my room. My mom was
sitting at the kitchen table next to my step dad, Robert. "Why
the heck did you break all those dishes? That's good money gone
out the door. Why didn't you help your mom clean, too? She's a
human being, not a slave." Of course he would have to yell at
"Two things wrong about what you just said. Are you
sure you even got your GED? First of all, you didn't buy those
dishes. My dad bought the, Second of all, slaves were
humans. Just because their skin was darker doesn't mean they were
subhuman. Pplus, she told me to go and calm down, or else I would
have ended up cleaning it up. You know, if you came in when I was
on my kness with shards of glass in my hand, you would probably
be castrated by now! Yhou deserve it as much as Chris, if not
more." He started to make my blood boil. I was sick of all his
petty comments, as if he owned everything in the house my dad
paid for. Filthy scum.
"Don't talk back to me like that. I keep a roof over
your head, food on your plate, and clothes on your back and you
repay me by talking your crap, as if I'm one of your little
buddies. I don't think so, you little brat." Robert stood up,
trying to frighten me with his weak threats.
"Again, get your freaking facts straight! The house
is paid for, the only meals I usually eat is school food or
bought by Chris, since the crap you force my mom to buy isn't
even safe for the maggots to eat. Also, I buy my own clothes
working at the sotre. In fact, my mom and I would be better off
without you since all you seem to provide is bruises and bloody
noses. If you even put your grubby hands on me again, I;m calling
the cops, butt hole." I was breathing heavy, with adrenaline
rushing through my body.
He walks towards me, and I show him the phone I have
in my hand. "I;m serious, dill bag. I'll call. No matter what.
Unless, of course, you'd rahter not bring out the neanderthal out
of you and sit down to asses the situation, as most normal
families do?" I smile fakely and sit down.
"Fine then. What's there to asses?" Bob was still
mad, I could see that, but I was the one with the higher power at
"Facts. Chris raped me. It felt like crap not being
able to stop it. He also," My voice started to crack. "He also
knocked me up; I'm carrying his child right now." I started to
cry. "I can't even get an abortion, can I?" I sobbed, thinking
about how depressing that could be, until my mom spoke up. I
could tell Bob didn't care, but she did.
"You can get an abortion, baby. I'll set up an
appointment for you," My mother said, stroking my hand.
"Maybe if you didn't trust him at all you wouldn't
have been here, don't you think?" Bob retorted this in such a
I stood up. "Fuck you , Bob. You can go to hell, just
like the rest of your family. I ran off to my room and slammed
My mom obviously got soemone to perform the abortion.
So, that's why I'm here in Dr. Shaffer's office. Watiting. Oh,
here he is. Right now he's telling me about these pills I have to
take, and writing me a prescription. I guess it's still early
enough to where I don't need forceps to remove the fetus. "Any
questions?" Dr. Shaffer asks.
"No, doc. No questions. Just a big thank you for
helping me go on with my life and not letting the monster that
did this to me ruin my life and my body, and even the life of
someone who could have been. Just, thank you." I say this very
sincerely with a smile on my face. It actually looks innocent
with the absence of heavy makeup. Doctor Shaffer smiles back. I
think he likes giving women a second chance.