2nd Bust- Yes, That’s My Son In Handcuffs
Dear Human Resource Manager,
I trust that you’re now perusing through your recently submitted resumes and flogging yourself with a Cat Of Nine Tails for putting a significant delay on my client’s future. That’s OK. Don’t beat yourself up too badly, leave that to the court summons pending this brief recommendation. Ooh, what’s this? My wife informs me that your school has been ranked “Most Likely To Produce One-Third Of The World’s Sex Offenders”, eh? Keep it up, HRM. Maybe you should screen your gym teachers more, and not just watch them shower through a screen. My client will help turn the tide on your despairing pit of a campus. Trust me, we winners can smell our own. It’s a combined scent of Lance Armstrong’s sweatband, Keith Richards’ detox juice, and a male rhino during mating season. If faced with famine we winners don’t sit around and read books about food, we eat books. Why don’t you get a glass of whatever off-brand “Dr. Mountain Bumber Cola” they had at Big Lots and let’s delve back into the fray.
Right about now, I want to talk about your mom for a second. Is that cool? Does it remind you of college? Do you still speak to your mother? Listening to voicemails of her revealing the latest job offers in the classified section doesn’t count. And let me tell YOU sir/miss, that I keep constant tabs on my mother…on account of her alarming habit of stalking Spanish soap opera stars. But I consider it an honor to represent my dear mommy, so watch your tone. So what if she can’t legally be within 100 yards of Javier Francesco Ortiz?
Why do I continue to harp on the maternal force in your life? Because my client’s mother is a ray of light, a Disney princess, the stunt double for that Sound of Music woman. Unfortunately, she is also the cause of my client’s arrest in a case of extremely mistaken identity.
How familiar are you with the phrase, “Don’t hop in the sack with your shoes on”? Or, “Watched pants always boil”? I didn’t think so. You’re new school and I’m old school, Human Resource Manager. Just check out the rings on my trunk to get a clearer picture. That’s right, really get in there. Get a load of my trunk. How do you feel about that? Better? Now, get your head out of there and get back to the case. Of course, I’m referring to the extremely common instance of sleeping with your clothes on resulting in an awkward situation. Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “Sayyy, that’s happened to me before! The Jewish community didn’t realize that I’m part of a WWII reenactment and my moustache just grows in small squares”.
Try and stay with me here. It’s the year 2000 and we open with a shot of a suburban neighborhood at night. Nope, not dramatic enough. It’s the anti-climactic year 2000 and one young impressionable sperm is swimming away from three unnecessarily aggressive cop sperm and hides in an amniotic alley while they speed pass. Good good, now keep that image in your head and then we hard cut to a suburban neighborhood at night. The camera zooms in to a brick house with no cars in the driveway. Dissolve into the home. No lights are on and one seems to be around. We dolly up the stairs and hear someone snoring from the room on the immediate right. Pan right and enter the room. Zoom in on a young man sleeping in his all-black clothes without a care in the world. Here is our protagonist, our unfortunate victim, my client. Meanwhile, there’s a team of police pulling their pants back up and speeding toward a burglary in progress in the suburbs. The only information they’ve received is from a frantic but saintly woman claiming that a thief is sleeping in her son’s bed upstairs and the perpetrator is still in the house. She also adds that she has an uncle who is on the police force as well and is about to retire and buy a boat for his family next summer, but the phone cuts off as the car speeds through a tunnel. Isn’t this genius stuff? If there’s one thing the Red Shoe Diaries Fan club agree on, it’s that I’ve got potential in the movies. After a little audio/video honeymoon mishap on a cruise last year, 200 shocked viewers feel the same way.
My client’s mother has expressed her appreciation for my legal assistance via cookies, cakes, pies and casseroles of which I feast on frequently. She was also kind enough to come by the office and deliver a lengthy and slightly unnecessarily detailed description of the circumstances surrounding the arrest, in her own words:
“I just want to start by saying you are a godsend in our lives and that you and your wife are just the sweetest couple for helping with our son. The way you fight crime together makes me think of a superhero team in love! That’s the way I think all relationships should be. Hm? Oh thank you so much! I forgot that these consultations are only an hour. Sometimes I just lose focus, you know? It’s easy to get distracted with so many lovely pictures of you two on vacation. Is this in New Zealand?! Oh, it’s beautiful! Lee and I went there on our 23rd anniversary. We left the boys at home, sadly, but once they settle down and have a family then we can all go together! Not stay in one room, of course, but we’ll get three rooms. They don’t have to be next to each other, but maybe on the same floor. I’m sorry? Oh yes yes yes, forgive me! I get so sidetracked sometimes! It was that horrible Y2K year, I remember because Lee bought several big barrels to keep water in, so I said to him, ‘If I didn’t have to wash so many dishes, we could save water all time! Let’s go to Outback tonight’, but my husband is a creature of habit so of course we went to Subway again. This was the night of my annual Mary Kay Pink Ladies meeting and I was so excited! Does your wife like Mary Kay? I’ll bring some samples by later on in the week. Anyhow, our youngest son, Nathan, had something important to do that night at school. For the life of me, I can’t remember what it was! He was always going to school functions and invited to events by lovely girls. He was on the wrestling team AND the football team. We went to all of his matches and you should have seen me when my baby made a touchdown! What’s that? Mmm, I don’t think Charlie played any sports. He was more into the…well, he liked to draw. They were mostly pictures of Tim Burton characters, you know, the skeletons and the ghosts. He was very creative, but he just never got into sports like his brother. Now, he DID run track his junior year in high school, but his coach never got his name right so he stopped going to practice. He used to call him Chalky. But where was I? I’m so sorry! Ha ha, I just love my boys! I could talk about them for hours. I had to take Nathan to an event at school and Lee was with Charlie. I don’t think he felt well, so his dad took him back to the house to sleep. I blame it on his staying out late with some of his scary friends. He would come home smelling like smoke and body odor! But I guess one good thing about wearing all black is that you can’t see the ketchup stains. He loves his ketchup. When we go to a restaurant they have to bring him two bottles just to keep up! Do you have any kids? Ohh, I see. Well, whenever it happens, I think you’ll be a great dad. Oh oh, like I was saying, Lee took Charlie back home to sleep and then left again to go on another errand. He probably just went back to the office to work, even at 9 at night. That man is a working machine! I didn’t know that he had dropped Charlie off, so when I came home I thought that it was just me by myself. No lights, no cars, nobody! I thought I heard something upstairs and walked to the edge of the stairs and sure enough I heard someone snoring upstairs! At the time, I panicked and didn’t even think that it could be Charlie. I called the police and told them there was an intruder in my house. Ten minutes later, three cars full of officers pulled up and crept upstairs with their guns loaded. About a minute later, they walked out with my son in handcuffs! He looked very angry, but also tired. Only a MOTHER can tell if her son hasn’t had a full-night’s rest. I cried and cried, ‘You let him go! Yes, that’s my son in handcuffs! You let him go!’ They put him in the back of their little police car parked next to Dan and Susan Lindstrum’s house. They always have the best decorations for Christmas, but I think it’s really because they have all this money after Susan’s mom passed away a few years ago. How did they react…? Who, dear, the Lindstrums? AH…the policemen. They weren’t very happy about the whole thing. I offered them some juice but they said they were needed someplace else. I felt terrible about the whole thing! My own flesh and blood arrested because of me! If I had known that Charlie was just taking a nap, I would have just stood outside of his room and sang to him. He used to love that when he was little. I would just sing and sing and his little head would just droop off to dreamland! He really is a good boy with a good heart. I’m so happy to have you in his corner.”
After many many goodbyes and well wishes, I double-checked the details with Greensboro’s Police Department and they were identical: someone made a boo-boo. So what do you have to say to THAT, Human Resource Manager? A sweetheart of a mom falsely accusing her own son of burglary and trespassing without malicious intent! Are you gonna be the chode who tells that boy’s mother that he can’t teach in a school because of a simple miscalculation in judgment she had years ago? Outrageous! Hooliganism! I can see the headlines now: SLEEPING BOY IN BLACK BEATEN IN BED BY BOYS IN BLUE. If you’re not balling your eyes out right now, then you’re either A.) A stone-cold Nazi dildo, or B.) Busy eyeballing a pair of balls. Next case.