"Left alone with only the reflections of the momory. To face the ugly girl that's smothering me...He knew each tear before it came...Joy Wil Come."
-Sorrow by Flyleaf
Came to this conclution when I was sitting at a
friends house watching all my friends smiling, laughing and
talking about whats gonna happen next in there life. And that
conclution was this, I'm lost. Yea, I'll admit it. I'm lost. I
have no idea what tomorrow has for me and it feel like now its
impossible to even try planning anything out. I was always told
life was hard and I've never doubted that fact, but then again I
never thought it would be this way. Hate the hopeless feeling
that is trying to consume me. I want to be so angry at something
and blame something or someone for the people I'm losing in life
but, there is nothing or anyone I can blame. Can't blame God
because he is the one that's been helping me make it this
far...he is the only one thats been keeping me grounded. What
kills me the most is the fact that; I can't say anything to them,
my friends. I don't want to destroy the joyful moment there
having with eachother and I'm not the type of girl thats looking
for a pitty party. I just want to understand why I feel this
Sometimes wishing I could go back in time and re-live this one momory over and over again. The memory was this; I was picking up my boyfriend from his school, and right in front of the university was this breathtakingly beautiful park that had nothing but huge trees by a pond. We happened to find this bench as the sun was setting that was by the pond and between the trees. It was something that looked like it was from a clip in a movie. As we sat on the bench he pulled me in and put his arm around me and I layed my head on his shoulder. Thinking to myself "This is finally the moment when everything makes sence. God's been blessing me with an amazing job and such an amazing man. What more could I possiable ask for?" smiling and laughing at the thought, he looks at me and asks me what I'm thinking about and all I can say is: "You." Blushing at the answer he asks
"What about me?" he now turns to me looking me in the eyes and turns a bit more pink, and the smile on my face grows a bit bigger which makes him blush a bit more. I couldn't help but observe every part of his face as the sunset highlights his facial structure. The way the sun maked his light brown eyes a bit more of a honey color, giving me another reason as to why I love him so much.
"Just you." giggling again looking down then back at him, he must have had the same realization about me like I had with him because he told me this,
"Have I told you lately that you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life?" Now it was my trun to look away blushing while he laughed quiety at me putting his hand in mine fitting so well like the final missing part of a puzzle piece. Looking deep in to my eyes adding "And that I love you, forever and always?" I know he told me this a million times but him saying it this time made everything in my world feel at ease and that finally someone other than God has found the real me and still loves me!
"I love you too, forever and alwasy." Only if he knew words could never come close to describe just how much I do love him. He must have seen the love in my eyes cause he kissed me and playfully said,
"Really? You'll love me forever and always?" pulling me close wrapping his arms around me tight.
"Yes, forever and always. Wouldn't say it if it wasn't true love." snuggling closer to him, taking a deep breath of his unforgettble scent while listening to his heartbeat playing a personal melody just for me....
If only I could go back to that moment and learned what I've learned now but as it goes life doesn't work that way. As badly as I hate to admit this...I'm lost and just have to have faith that God will show me where to go from here, no matter how long it takes. I must learn how to wait. Even so, I've been badly lost before and he saved me countless times, so what makes this moment any different? Hopefully this feeling trying to over take leaves. For you know what they say: "There may be pain in the night but Joy comes in the morning..."
In the morning...