What’s wrong with being sad? Am I depressed because I like being sad? There are times when I cry or find myself hurting, and it feels good. Too much of the time I feel numb. Maybe not numb, but indifferent. Then there are the times where I care way too much. I CARE so much about some of the stupidest things. “Be yourself and people will like you.” What if I don’t really know what being myself is? I’ve tried to be so many different people I’m not sure anymore. I hate myself one day, one second, one hour, and then the next I’m fine. I’ll make it through. Tomorrow is another day. All that crap you hear about going on and surviving. It’s a cliché because it’s true. But it’s still a cliché and I hate it. I find myself hating a lot of things. I always go back to that summer. It’s that one moment that I’m as U2 would say, “stuck in that I can’t get out of.”
An important note here is how much, just how much, music means to me. I love love love music. So many times I fall asleep to it, or I cry or I laugh or I sing along because I love it so much. Music is probably the most important thing in the world to me. I love my family, most of the time, and I love other stuff. I like a lot of things. Food that’s bad for you, making out, playing video games, sports. Stuff like that I like a lot. But when I say, “I love that team or I love that game” I don’t really love it persay. I just really really like it. Music is different. I love how it makes me feel. Even if I’m down, one song can make me feel better. If I wanna feel like crap, one song can help me do it. I listened to “Twenty Years” by Augustana soooooo many times because I wanted it to be me who the song was about. I was the character. I was the one who left his girlfriend and she’d been gone and I was upset about it. I love relating to music like that.
Books, it can happen sometimes I guess. Tv shows and movies I can really get wrapped up in and care a lot more than I should about the characters and there lives. I’ll catch myself thinking this is just a tv show and yet look how much I’m affected by it. Lost….others, I suck at making lists on the spot and I hate how I have to think about what other things should be on the list when I already know. Lost is usually the first one that jumps into my head though. I balled when that ended. When jack sacrificed himself. It didn’t matter at all. No wars were won, no elections were decided, no jobs were done. A character on a tv show died and would never see the people and girl he loved again and it affected me…..a lot. I tear up now writing about it. Damnit I loved that show. Oh another note, I go off track a lotttttt. My mind is always thinking of different random shiz. Shiz is the word I use for shit….like right there. And the fact that I’m conscious of my randomness and conscious of my consciousness of randomness drives me nuts. This is my mind. I think about EVERYTHING. Every little detail. That’s why relationships don’t work for me. That’s why if I don’t get every trophy in a stupid ps3 game I’m disappointed. I want things to be perfect, exact. They have to be or it’s not good enough. I find myself settling for less a lot because perfection is impossible but damnit I wish it wasn’t. I wish I could go back in my life so many times and do things differently so they were perfect in my mind. Like that summer.
That summer that won’t leave me alone no matter what I do. That girl that I’ve cried over, been depressed over so much for no reason. She didn’t even like me that much I think. Pretty sure I liked her a lot more. If you’re to this point, by now you probably think I’m crazy, and I’m aware of that. I’m upset at myself that you think I’m crazy…if you do. I want you to like this. I want you to read this and say, “Wow, that was really good.” If you don’t it’ll hurt. I crave people liking me, liking what I do and I can’t stop. If I write something and there are people who don’t like it I hold a grudge. God, I suck at holding grudges. I do it allllll the time and I wish I didn’t. It ruins a lot of situation. One girlfriend I had I was so jealous with and so grudgy with it ruined the relationship. That’s not even the summer girl. The one I can’t ever forget. The one it took me two years or more to get over. Not fully, no I don’t think I’ll ever fully get over her but at least enough that I could move on. That was the girl who ripped my heart open and then instead of stepping on it to get it over with let it sit and wilt and die slowly. I hated her so much and loved her at the same time. I didn’t want anything to do with her and yet if she had taken me back I would have been over the moon. I wanted things between us to work. I wanted a second chance. But she changed and I guess I did too. I still want another chance and it kills me that I won’t get it. It really really does.
I’m too much of a romantic. I want that perfect girl, who’s funny, smart, witty, beautiful, nice, smells good. It’s probably never gonna happen but I have to and want to believe she’s out there for me. House that’s one of my other favorite shows ever. It’s one of those shows that’s perfect at drama and comedy. It mixes both together so well it’s redic. The first couple years of Scrubs were like that too. Am I a crazy person? My brain says yes but my heart wants me to keep thinking im not. I’m just unique. My gut? It says I should do whatever I want and take chances and get hurt. Hurt by words, hurt by love. But being hurt just hurts so much it sucks. I think I’m done ranting for now. I wanna write a book sometime, someday. For now all I’ll do is this. Let me know if I am insane. Be a dick if you must or even if you just feel like it. I don’t take criticism well unfortunately though so I really hope you do like this. I guess I’ll see.