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I wet through a emotional low, and decided to summarize all m feelings into a letter dedicated to the person that caused me a great emotional roller-coaster, but in the end I obtained something quite positive out of the whole ordeal. I needed to vent, and thought it came out pretty good, I'm sorry in advanced for grammatical errors, this is just how it came out on the spot

Submitted:Dec 19, 2013    Reads: 22    Comments: 2    Likes: 3   

Dear Mr. Nobody,
I'm writing to you, and at the same time I'm not. I'm just taking this opportunity to let go of these thoughts that haunt me, and expose these feelings that are causing me heartburn. Okay, it's probably not heartburn, but it's how it feels. I was going for a more poetic, melancholic letter, but hell with it, I just need to vent. If this isn't artsy enough for "you" or whoever the hell is reading this, I don't really care. I used to write in a diary when I had more time, so even though this slightly resembles a diary, it's not. It's just my way to deal with things, I always told "you" writing was the only way I could truly express myself in life. I want to tell the world how I truly felt these past 4 months while I got to know "you"; because at the moment when I tried to string my words together it always came out all wrong, and now it's time for me to make it right.
This isn't an open apology, and I'm not trying to talk shit about "you" I just want to take advantage of everything I feel and letting it out through my words that are pouring out of my fingertips that tap harshly against my keyboard thanks to my stiletto nails. Let's start from the beginning, when I first met Mr.Nobody, it was the typical 80's or 90's "I met this semi-cute guy at a party" type of scenarios (I'd like to imagine John Hughes from beyond the grave was directing this moment), I wasn't planning on going to this party. Heck I had to start off the semester with the thought of pretty much 80% of my clique gone, and 50% of my classmates off studying abroad, that was depressing enough for me. But anyhow, since the party was pretty much like 3 blocks away (more or less) from my home I said "What the hell, go and make some new friends!" My therapist said I needed to be more positive and nicer to other people (summary: be less of a bitch).
At the party, the guy girl ratio was pretty much testosterone overload at the beginning which is odd considering that the amount of machos at school are slim to none. I was obliged to talk to a lot of people I rarely socialize with upon my arrival. I remember I dressed up very pretty for the tacky as heck pool party, so I guess I stood out like a sore thumb, but in a good way. I wore my favorite dress, my poolside wedges and my hair and makeup were perfection. I was grateful one guy from my clique was there, so I stood beside him and watched the drunkenness sleuth pursue. Let's get back on track, I can't pin point the exact moment "you" walked up to me, but you did, maybe you were talking to a common friend, or you saw me by myself, whatever. The point is you talked to me, and my first thought was "It's the guy with the Mohawk I saw at school" (At some point days before I had seen him and thought, that's some nice hair, yes, shallow I know). I would go into more detail about what we talked but that would be kind of useless now.
My guy friend at the party told me, "you're wasting your time; you could be hooking up with any guy here at this party!" This last comment made me feel like a total animalistic "whoremonal" moron. So even though on the outside I was on the "prowl" on the inside I was still scared and insecure me. A lot of fun things happened at that party, but the point is since then red flags went up in my mind against Mr.Nobody. These red flags were mostly health related, his and my own (his both being body and mind, mine was mind and heart) Mr. Nobody has a problem at parties in which he's constantly thirsty and is conserving water at the same time, if you catch my drift. He also smokes like a chimney and has a set of chompers that could give Austin Powers a run for his money.
From that point on all I could do was get to know Mr.Nobody and find new excuses or complaints about him and tell my closest friends. In which these friends would tell me at this point that I was being too picky and stubborn and didn't let love into my life. I do accept that at this point Mr.Nobody was a total sweetheart, but too sweet for my own taste. Now that I think about it, it wasn't only that he was diabolically sweet; I just didn't feel the same way back so soon. For me to truly love someone, that person has to grow on me. His constant flirting made me feel awkward and weird, like something was wrong with me because I didn't feel the same back. Nothing was wrong with me, I just wasn't into him, and that didn't make me a bad person.
It was fun to have someone text you good morning and text you goodnight. Someone that was excited, (genuine or not) to see you at school every day, and have a yearning to know more about you. I think it's just a biological need, to feel of interest to someone. I have no idea if Mr.Nobody was ever interested in me genuinely or was just slightly infatuated and I didn't give him what he was looking for; but that's beyond the point. Ever since I had told Mr.Nobody he was going too fast and that I needed baby steps, I knew it was all downhill from there. My friends, guilt tripped me into telling him I liked him, but it was too late, we were at different speeds and my sappy attempt at trying to fix a brutally honest situation wasn't going to make a difference. So when I met someone new, and I questioned if Mr.Nobody and I were going to try again, and he said no I tried with someone new. I am grateful that Mr.Nobody's kind words refilled my dying ego as selfish as it may sound. So once I started to meet other people, I actually felt really good about myself. But Mr.Nobody was always there, trying to get back into my life as more than a friend, contrary to what he might say.
I bet he doesn't even remember the one time I told him "te quiero" which for me is more of a I care/like for you, and he told me he loved me, which I didn't at the time. I bet he doesn't remember his drunken audio text, or his cheesy pick-up lines that always made me laugh. Not in a bad way, they were just too ridiculous and I didn't feel the same way back. The fact that I never understood why I made him nervous all the time, kind of threw me off the bandwagon. Everything was too strange, I clearly knew things were never going to work out, but I enjoyed his company even though I knew it wasn't going to last. During the last month I numerously tried to stick him in the friend zone, to which he protested not liking how I treated him. I mean, you can't have your cake and eat it too. He wanted me to treat him all sweet and cute, but expect to only be a friend, oh please; I'm not desperate for attention. So when Mr.Nobody has one of the worse weekends and I decided to be a good friend and stick with him and help him out, I guess I enjoyed having to care for someone. I wasn't going to pull the rug from under him and have him fall on his ass.
I may be a person that due to past heartaches and a strange upbringing may be coldhearted and mean, (I tell my therapist that I'm dead on the inside, and my friends joke my soul is rotten) but I couldn't be a new source of negativity in his life (how considerate of me, I know, I regret it now, but at the same time don't). So after a week of non-stop nauseating cheesy flirting from Mr.Nobody's half, which now serve as inspiration for a few characters in my future stories; Mr.Nobody gets mad at me. The reason was idiotic and pathetic, so I knew there was something else behind it. But trying to be a good person, and being guided by friends I apologized, so somewhere inside my rotting soul there's a bit of sunshine and warmth.
He continually made me feel bad for something not even I could pinpoint I did wrong. But alas, when I told him I wanted to stop talking and ignore him, he wanted to forget about it. Which was something very typical of Mr.Nobody: "Let's forget about everything". I guess I didn't receive the memo on which "everything" literary meant EVERYTHING. So when he attacked me on my supposed defects and pushed me away, I was slightly surprised when he was hooking up with someone new. "Slightly" because I had already seen him flirt in the same orderly fashion as he did with me (I guess you can't teach a dog new trick). I never felt heartbroken or anger towards Mr.Nobody I just felt confused. If we were ever truly friends, why couldn't "you" just tell me about the new person in "your" life. I would have actually been weirdly happy for you that you found someone who didn't feel awkward with your romantic advances. I wouldn't feel so guilty of having a new "interest" while you were "supposedly" feeling like shit. I would have felt relieved. But when you were so negative towards me and made me feel bad, and of course the fact you drunkenly and openly said I was too stubborn and not understanding that you wanted to just be friends and that you were doing me a nice favor. I was angry, not at "you" but at your actions.
So to end this, Dear Mr.Nobody even though I wasn't very specific with other events in the time we knew each other, they were unnecessary; because even though you think I'm a big mouth and I love to cause drama. There are a few things I keep to myself. They will forever be stored in the corners of my mind until they are completely forgotten. I don't hate you Mr.Nobody, but I do feel sorry for you in a way. You were and still are a very confused person that fears commitment, yet you chose to be with someone with a lot of baggage. (Note: I am not making her seem inferior to anyone, but considering her situation she does deserve someone much more stable and caring). You wished me luck with my new love interest which I clearly don't need, so I wish for you to keep what's ever left of your luck, you're going to need it. I thank you for the fun we had, you were a puzzle piece that never fit in my life, even though sometimes I almost tried to force you into place. Will we ever be able to be friends? I think we could be in due time. I don't hold grudges and we both know too much about each other to act like complete strangers.
Even though my friends and loved ones tell me you don't deserve my friendship, I'd like to think you can still count on me. I did and will always enjoy talking to you, and I do think you're interesting and smart, and poking at your mind is quite a lot of fun. But please no more fake British accent, it makes me uncomfortable and it's not working in your favor. Remember I never did fall in love with you, I cared for you a lot and you still worry me. If I truly had fallen in love with you, I would have hated you completely, which I don't. I thank you for our good times, and for reminding me of how brilliant I really am. You filled me with kind words and silliness and reminded me of how much of a fun person I am. You helped me find myself again, and for that I will always be thankful. "Eres un estuche de monerias" I still laugh at that last comment, I remember I had to ask my mother what it meant and felt slightly ignorant afterwards. I highly doubt you'll read this, but if you do, know that I did mean everything I told you. Under all you're demons, you're a very awesome dude, adieu mon ami:*
Sincerely (Brutally honest) the witch you thought cast spells on you,
Ashley Kamille Medina


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