My Beautiful Son..x
Something happened to me,something terrible happened to me,I have no scars that can be seen but the wounds i have are too deep to ever heal.
I was an ordinary woman, an average woman, a woman of no real merit,no real consequence...my only talent was being a mother,my children my life.A beautiful son and daughter filled my life ,with joy ,with laughter ,with tears and my life ,my family was to become complete.My joy at my third child was short lived as my world was about to be crushed ,my precious child growing in me was ill.In a cold clinical room surrounded by cold clinical people I was told my child only had half a heart and wouldnt survive without aheart transplant...dont get to attached they said ,abort they said..a knot formed in my throat and around my own heart...dont get attached my child had been growing in my belly for 23 weeks,my child had a name ,had a brother and sister,had kicked me and moved around in side me,how could I not be attached.I felt like i was shrinking in the chair the world slowed ,I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach,they tried to kick my precious child out of me with their words and attitudes.StopStop this is my child ,not a thing to be disposed of like a sack of rubbish,I want him to have every chance he can,miracles happen,cant they.The next few months were a wash with tears and prayers,my son waving a magic wand over my bump trying to magic the baby better,how do you tell a 3yr old that the baby will most likely die,babies dont die not now not in this day and age,do they?.As people found out their attitudes ranged from "oh well maybe it will be for the best if he dies ,otherwise he might have to have medication for his life",yes those words were said to me ,a mother to a mother!
The time flew ,I tried to claw on to it because while you were in me you were safe ,I could keep you safe,only I could keep you safe
.Then the day came when you were to leave the safety of my love ,my womb,how i got through that day I dont know,I wanted to shout ,to scream stop he wont be born ,he cant be born because to be born is the start of the end,even though we hoped beyond all hope that he would be born and treated and come home to the warmth and love of his family we knew in our hearts that he would never come home.On the 6th march 1995 at 16.35 Matthew Jacob Campling was born,he was beautiful weighed 7ibs 15 oz,bright blue eyes,fluffy hair and downy skin,I remember vividly the feel of his downy skin and the smell of him as we held him tight before he was whisked away to be stabbed and prodded and have tubes put up his nose,babies first hours should be being held in there parents arms surrounded by love not in an intensive care unit,but we had to let them do it ,still prayed hard for miracles,we hoped that someone would hear our prayers and answer them,allow our son to live please,
Ten days that followed ,ten days that allowed me to hold, nurse,bathe and love my baby,ten short precious ,terrible ,wonderful days,ten days when we cried,laughed and loved,ten days when we realised how lucky we were to of known him ,held him ,loved him,ten days praying for another baby to die so our son could live,ten days of guilt,anger,acceptence.Ten days werent long enough 100 years would never be enough but 10 days was all we could have ,all our strength,fight ,prayers and tears were not enough to keep him here,prayers werent answered ,miracles dont happen at that moment god had deserted us had looked down on us and tore away our child as well as our hearts,for at 8.30 am on 16th march1995 Matthew took his final breathe,not surrounded by his loved ones ,not in his parent arms but on a bed surrounded by needles ,drugs ,tubes and defibrillators ,the only hands touching him were strangers ,docters and nurses.This is a huge regret of mine still hurts ,he should of died in my arms I was the first to hold him and should of been the last. Now it was over you were gone ,the love I felt for you was over whelming and the pain was more so ,the moment we knew you were gone i wanted to rush him into my arms and love him back to life instead the reality was searing hole in my soul that I felt could never heal ,the only healer was him and he was gone,It felt like all our love, all our commitment where not enough to keep you here,we knew now that love so deep brings pain even deeper so deep that it physically hurt,I had a pain in my heart ,a real pain ,the pain of a mothers heart breaking. we then just went through the motions of living..eating ...working...sleeping but we were living in some other reality,friends came and went....strangers offered the hand of love and sympathy and people that we regarded as our closest friends disapeared.."they where unable to handle it",some people crossed the street ,some described my sons birth and death as a "little mishap",some just hugged us and said nothing.Watching my sons tiny white coffin be lowered into the cold dark ground I wanted to be with him, I thought I should of been with him ,my baby should not be alone,thank god for my other children they needed me and I needed them,somehow I dont know how we survived the pain,we have learned that crying brings him no nearer,laughing takes him no further away,he will always be with us ,in our hearts and souls.His legacy is here forever,he taught us uncondional love,he taught us was is important in life and what isnt, he taught us,he made us look at the world through different eyes and he made our lives richer in a way we could never of imagined......Thank you my beautiful son xxxxxx