Deep down, there is still an
insecure little girl inside my soul.
She's still insecure from a
lifetime lacking structure and consistency.
Growing up, she never felt loved
for very long, moods were always changing.
She sought out the love and
security she so desperately needed,
which would just result in her
feeling more insecure and unloved.
She acted out with temper tantrums
- as the rage built inside her young soul.
Acting out, of course, made the
tension in the family that much worse.
She didn't know what to do - how
to behave, what to do with her feelings.
She would ask her Mom if she loved
her - and her Mom was already frustrated with her
so often times the response
received would hurt much more than the not knowing ever
She felt unloved, unwanted and in
Though she was often the center of
the family issues - she was still overly sheltered and kept from
All she knew of the world was
inside her often emotionally chaotic home.
She was filled with fears - filled
with insecurity - filled with deep rage.
When she was out of the home, she
would go wild - didn't know how to behave,
Which would result in more
disappointment from Mom, Dad or whomever -
As well as result in her being
kept at home more to avoid the frustration they dealt
She was a naturally happy, silly
and fun loving little girl - but her personality was often
With disappointment, confusion and
The happy little girl inside
became overtaken by a deep darkness building in her
She became depressed, had thoughts
of suicide by the time she was 6 years old.
She couldn't handle all the
emotions she had to experience on a daily basis, it was too much
for a child.
Her reality was so complicated and
unpredictable - the family's moods everchanging.
The senseless fights, screaming,
name calling - tensions were often thick between the adults in
She began to feel it was her fault
- she was somehow causing all this turmoil.
She would often rock herself,
crying - thinking if she were gone, everyone would be less
She heard things during the family
fights that would scar her for a lifetime.
She didn't have a chance to be a
child. Adult problems were on her mind. Things other kids knew
She didn't have much in common
with other children. She was weird. They wanted to play, she
wanted to talk.
When she was around 6, she became
friends with an older girl, she was 11-12.
They became so close - seemed to
have more in common - someone she could actually talk
Within a short time, though, her
Mother put an end to that friendship.
This was the first of many
friendships her Mother ended for her, for varying
So, she was left alone again, in
her own little confused world.
Thinking back, I feel her Mother
was afraid she would talk too much.
She was always told, "You don't
live in a glass house" - meaning what goes on/is said stays
inside the house.
She would always her mad at her,
thinking she was telling people things that have been
The frustration was building in
the girl - the anger, the sadness, the confusion.
The rage became too much, the
temper tantrums became intense.
She would sit on the floor crying,
screaming to release the pent up emotions.
She would begin to slam the back
of her head into the brick wall, hard, until her crying
It's the only thing that would
stop it - one pain cancelling out the emotional pain. It became a
Of course, the crying, screaming
and irrational behavior only made the adults more angry and
frustrated with her.
...Which of course, added to the
insecurity, fear, sadness and anger she already had brewing
Reality vs non-reality - it was
something she had to figure out on her own, as she grew
Her Mom had some personal issues
of her own. She was not always in touch with
She had "memories" of things that
never happened - and would angrily fight to make others believe
From small things, such as little
things someone had (in her own reality) said or
To the bigger issues - such as her
"memories" of her "alien family".
She believed she had an "alien
family" as a child, and it's rather in depth so will skip it for
Anyhow, with her Mother having an
incredibly warped sense of reality - this girl grew up confused
As she got older, she began to
question her Mother's "memories" - which caused extreme anger
from the Mom.
Her Mother would become enraged
when she began to question the validity of her "memories".
As she got a little older, she
felt an anger toward her Mom for many difficult years - she felt
All those things her Mother told
over the years, she was discovering the were (what she felt at
the time) lies.
The girl began to rebel against
the family, though she was still bound by the insecurities that
were built over a lifetime.
She was more angry, hurt and
filled with rage than ever before - and didn't know what to do
with these feelings.
Who could she talk to? Family
members were inconsistent. Sometimes, they would agree and
understand the girl's frustration.
Other times, they would take the
Mothers side and she'd be made to feel she was in the wrong - it
It took many, many years for her
to begin to realize it's a mental illness her Mother was dealing
She didn't know how to feel - so
she used to get angry when her Mom would start talking in depth
As she began to make friends
outside the home, she began to see a big difference between home
life and the rest of the world.
However, predictably, as soon as
she began to get close to someone outside the family, her Mom
would find a reason to end the friendship.
She became afraid to get close to
- To be