So I went back to my mom's house for a bit today and every time i step in that place it's like a haunted house. I can smell the old fights like fresh paint on the walls. My little brother sleeps in my old room and everyone was gone today so I decided to look at my box of things i left behind when i moved out. There were books and drawings and poems and everything from the time I was in middle school til I was a sophomore. At the bottom of the box there was a plastic container filled up with notes from ex girlfriends and friends about parties and plans and I felt sad. I started to remember things that I had tried so hard to forget. I know I'll always remember but if I can get to the stage where I can pretend like everything was a very vivid dream then I am ok. Another thing all those notes made me realize was that time flies. It always seems like i'm trying to be a catalyst and make time fast forward to a select few moments and then just autopilot through everything else. I need to wake up. If two years can go by in two seconds then what about a lifetime? Then I started thinkin about one girl and knew that there'd be at least one note left in there from her. So i started digging. The note said:
Okay, i'm not really sure how to say this the right way. basically as long as we are friends i am always going to care about you and love you but hopefully it will only be just as friends. lol. it just makes me sad right now to think about what you're saying, and that you say you're doing this now so i don't get hurt worse later or that your afraid that you'll screw it up worse later...but i guess it doesn't matter. I don't know how long i expected us to be together, i don't really think like that, especially with you. lol no offense. even if i 'loved you forever' it's not like you would. lol. so i don't know. we can be friends, yah? i don't hate you, and i won't ever hate you...unless you do something super horrible. so...friends, and i'm here for you and you can talk to me and stuff if you need to lol although i know you don't like talking bout stuff that bothers you. lol i want us to be how we were last year before we started going out, i don't know if that's gonna happen or if we can be friends like that. it would be nice if you would try not to flirt with ppl too awful much in front of me. lol w/e ok...well i think that's all i have to say right now...lol
and there was a name at the bottom that was smudged but i remember the handwriting. i wish the letter was true. i wish like crazy almost every day and i just keep thinkin i never should have let her go, but i would've crushed her if i hadn't. she was the one that was never even on the hook. she was swimming beside the boat i was in for a while then dipped. she was meant to get away from the start. and under the letter was a picture of her she gave me when we were freshman. I stood outside her window the night before she went to six flags and told her i wanted her to come out but she told me she couldn't so she opened her window and gave me a kiss and slid that picture out to me. It's times like these I wish i were a cigarette. Cigarettes don't cling to the past. You just flick it off the end when the past burns.