Torment and lament are my two favourite things in this world. What you are about o read is a telling of my desperate life just before, during and after my separation from my first wife. The terror and the heart ache that led up to this point in my life I have never shared but I feel now I must as I need to void myself of the desperate negative feelings I have about this time of my life. I never said it was going to be an easy read nor did I say it would not leave you hating myself, her or both of us it’s just how it was.
October 1988 – On a long weekend trip staying at a shearing shed, with 5 other couples as a retreat of fun fishing and just enjoying some good times with a load of alcohol and laughs. I was 24 and so was my wife of then 4 years, we had spent the day bush walking, fishing and just enjoying life but the time up until this moment were fraught with anger denial and a focus to achieve a goal I had never seen before. We had just paid off out first home and had it freehold at 24 never heard off before but we did it or should I say she did it and forced me along for the ride. It was hard no fun no outings no nothing for two years, yes two years. And in this time I had to endure her mother whom I liked in our home for twelve months of this time because she was separated from her husband my wife’s step father who was an absolute twat, but I digress. We hardly saw each other for two years and I thought that now it was paid for we could be a young couple and enjoy life but, she wanted a family and so did I but it was bam out of the blue we told everyone we had paid the house off and that we were going to concentrate on a family. They all said great and congratulated us and said they they all were not ready for that commitment yet but best of luck with it,
June 1989 – After months of trying to fall pregnant and lots of sex, it looked like it was finally going to happen I received a phone call from my wife saying that she was at the doctors and it looked like she was pregnant but the test results came back negative and they are going to check what’s going on. Well it wasn’t a baby it was a cyst in her ovary the size of a large grape fruit and it was during this operation that to remove the cyst that the doctors found what came next. The doctor sat us down and said I am sorry but you will never be able to have children naturally as my wife had what they termed clumped fallopian tubes where the small feather like fingers are replaced with clumps and the eggs just don’t make it into the womb. She was devastated and this started the spiral downward for us both. She kept working all hours under the sun holding down a normal 9-5 job and then night work as a waitress on Friday Saturday and even Sunday nights. I lost my wife to her ambition and self loathing. At the same time I was starting to go places at work and travelling quite a lot and an active member of a trade committee so I had monthly meetings at night and weekly subcommittee meetings. We had had arguments around the fact that I would leave her now for a fertile woman and her demeanour changed to an aggressive nature. I’m 6’3” tall and she was 5’6” but I was no match for her venomous vocabulary. I endured daily shunts of you don’t love me followed by sex I cant call it love now because it was just sex the love was out of our marriage now and she was fighting herself and me daily for control of her sanity. I asked her to seek help and I was abused even more by her saying that I wanted to get her committed and fuck her off that way so I could get me a woman who could bear children.
August 1989 – I was now spending the majority of my time alone and going to my friend’s houses alone because she was working all the time and I was unsure when she would be home. I remember sitting with R rated videos and masturbating to the scenes dreaming of some sort of tenderness and affection instead of cold numbing sex, that my life had degenerated into. “There’s no point is there I can’t get pregnant” she would spit at me. I loved her she was the love of my life at 16 years old and now I hated her. I endured the fact that she was a bit odd and her family were a strange bunch of misfits, even the fact that her step father had violated her as a young woman, I confronted him and said if he ever came close to her again I would kill him to which he replied “what’s it like getting sloppy seconds” and shut the door before I could hit him. I broke a knuckle and the door and the police were very nice about it as they took me away for treatment for my shattered hand. He didn’t press charges or claim damages as he knew he had hurt us more than money could do. She was a mental wreck and I noticed one night at a committee meeting a car that looked like hers sitting out the front of the restaurant we were dining in after the meeting. I excused myself and ran outside to confront her but the car was gone in the darkness. I quickly drove home and as I passed her car in the drive way I felt the bonnet and sure enough it was red hot. I confronted her as I entered the house and she lied and told me she had not left the house I mentioned the heat from the bonnet and she then back tracked saying she went to the shop for a snack. I called her a liar and by this time we were in the kitchen, she grabbed a carving fork and stabbed my in the stomach with it. The two prongs slid into my flesh about an inch deep and I looked at her expecting her to say sorry or something of the sort but she just looked at me and said “Look what you made me do” as blood flowed from my wounds she went to bed and left me there in shock, I cleaned up and slept in the spare room. I was awoken at about 3am by a mouth on my penis, it was her and she said she was sorry and would make it all better. She knew I loved sex and my mind went into melt down I was 25 years old and I felt like a 5 yr old who was being chastised and then given a lolly to make it all better. I craved love and intimacy and I started to talk to another woman at work that had a similar pattern at home and we bonded emotionally at first and then one night when my wife was at work as usual she came to my house and we talked and then made love quickly and passionately. It was wrong but so was my whole life up until now. We would see each other when we could and in the end I just needed to hold someone.
My weight dropped dramatically and within a period of 2 weeks I had lost nearly 15kg that’s about 33lbs and my doctor thought I had cancer so he ordered all sorts of tests and finally after a month of tests and visits and an further 5kg lost he said to me “you don’t have cancer do you Graeme” I said to him honestly “no I don’t, I am not sure what I have wrong with me thou” I continued. I was clinically depressed and in need of help I was a 78kg and I looked like bad. I had never been that skinny since I was about 9yrs old. (I was a large kid 6feet tall at 12) I started sleeping in the spare room at my house stating that I needed to be alone because I was going thru a tough time. My wife had a field day and would tease me about not being a man and when I locked the door to keep her out of my room and the early Morning sex sessions she took an axe to the door and forced her way in my crying all the way to orgasm when she threatened to put the axe in my head if I didn’t fuck her. I left the next day never to return – I moved out to her screaming and yelling calling me a useless lover a failed husband and a no good adulterer although she never knew I had the liaisons behind her back.
I started to spend time with my new friend and I found a new house of my own after I moved out because she paid me out and sent half of the furniture to my parents house one day with a note saying I never want to see you again. Good I thought, I was free I felt free I was putting on weight and I started to get my old self back, and I was enjoying another person both intimately and emotionally. Life was good. I moved into my new house and life was starting to get back on track and then one day I came home from work to find the front door wide open, Fuck I only just moved in and someone had robbed me was my first thought. Until I moved into the house and found wedding photos smashed on the floor, my lounge suit was ripped and cut to pieces and my ex was sitting in the kitchen enjoying a cup of tea.
“Hi” she said calmly
“What the fuck are you doing here” I yelled at her.
“That’s exactly what I’m doing here she said as she stripped naked and moved in front of me and grabbed my penis thru my trousers. “You are going to fuck me I don’t want anyone else to do it they don’t know what I like and I am sick of doing it myself, now get undressed lick me and make me cum.” She said with eyes of fire looking at me. I felt numb and I did as I was told, she undid all my good progress in one hit, I couldn’t call the cops because who would do anything oh your ex wife broke in and fucked you did you try and stop her? I would be the laughing stock of the entire world.
I told my new friend what had happened and although she didn’t like it she hugged me and we got thru the ordeal. I married her in 1993 and I now have two beautiful daughters and I have only seen the bitch that was the love of my life once since at my mother’s funeral 14 months ago. I still hate her so much and I have forgotten much of my life during this time from the age of twenty to twenty six. I am told that’s a normal reaction for the brain to heal it forgets it’s a great thing really. I still do things I shouldn’t but I put it down to the control and pain I was made to endure by her hand.