Monday, December 19--
They won't let me see Adrian. They won't even let me call him without supervision; they're still convinced that I want to run off with him somewhere... As much as I'd like to, I don't think Adrian is as reckless as I am. On top of all that, mom, they say you're out of rehab and you don't even want me back... Is it true? I know you're trying to get your life together, but I could help... Couldn't I? I won't be a burden like before... Please, tell me it isn't true--
Wednesday, December 21--
I got a call from my mother today, and she's out of rehab... Sad thing is it's true that she doesn't want me back... At least "not right now," as she so eloquently put it... And, it isn't up for discussion.
Sunday, December 25--
All things considered, today was sort of nice... I wasn't looking for anything, but Aunt Kathy invited Jessica and her family again. I got to see and feel Adrian again for the first time in six days... When he arrived, I gave him the tightest, longest, most heartfelt hug that I could give. And guess what? After dinner, he kissed me... His lips--I can't describe the kiss without sounding too poetic or cliche', but... the feel of his lips upon my own was the damndest thing... I trembled when he touched me. He pulled me into his body, and I just... I dunno. I'm not very good with words; the feeling I got when he touched me was indescribable.
I have no idea when i'll get to see him again, but... thank you, auntie... today was better than expected.
Wednesday, December 26--
(Two unintelligible words)...
Thursday, December 27--
Wednesday, December 28--
I'm dying inside... I'm hurting so badly... (unintelligible)
Thursday, December 29--
He touched me--all over. I screamed, but no one heard me...
Friday, December 30--
Christmas night... I opened my eyes--I could feel him... He crawled in bed behind me, but I didn't move--I thought that maybe if I played possum, he would leave me alone. But, I was wrong...
I can still feel his hot stream of breath snaking across my naked shoulder--his unnaturally cold hand reaching around to my quivering stomach and slithering underneath my night shirt--as he asked over and over again, "Are you awake?" I kept thinking: Ignore him, and he'll go away... I was scared, and too afraid to say anything...
My train of thought derailed when he snapped the elastic waist of my pajamas... So, I panicked. I faced him--I begged him to go away and promised not to tell if he just left. He laughed and answered, "So, you are awake..."He tugged on my clothes... I screamed, but no one heard me--So, I fought; he fought back.
Bloodied nose, light-headed, and dizzy, I raised a weak hand to block his advances, only to have it slapped aside. Then he--(unintelligible) Damn this... He--forced himself inside of me. I tried my best to push him off of me--my body convulsed at the feel of him entering me... I screamed and pushed him over and again but to no avail.
Every inch of my body was covered in something that belonged to him. My legs and thighs were moist with his sweat... My face was speckled with his saliva--and slick with blood--my blood. And his shadow, long and crude, stretched across my bed sheets as he exited the room.
Monday, January 2--
For hours, it seemed, I lay there... Bleeding out and dazed--hoping to wake up. Hoping that this was all just a nightmare. But, no. The bleeding slowed to a trickle and then dried. And as I became increasingly aware of what happened, I went completely blank.
I sat up. And after the dizziness began to subside, I staggered to their bedroom to let "her" see what he had done to me... But, she wasn't there and neither was he... They left a note saying that they would be back "soon," they hoped--
I didn't get angry... I didn't feel much of anything at the time. I went back to my room, and I took a shower... I stood under the steady stream of hot water and let it singe every piece of me that he touched--in the hopes that it would wash away the frigidity of his coarse hands; hoping to overpower the overwhelming heat of his body... hoping to wash away the shame--the fear.
--the hardest part is writing about it... It makes me feel like I'm reliving the moment all over again. And, some how admitting it--saying that it happened--makes me feel worse.
Wednesday, January 11--
School starts again tomorrow... I look forward to it. Adrian started college last week... I wonder if he'd let me stay with him since he's getting an apartment soon... I'm gonna have to let him know what happened sooner or later anyway... aren't I? Or... maybe I can keep this a secret for a little while longer...