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Scared, What to do?

Miscellaneous By: JP Jan
Memoir



Questioning my path?


Submitted:Sep 1, 2008    Reads: 105    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


Wedding is over. Thought the anxiety and pressure would be over. Its not...
I want to be with him. Can't help but feel like we need to be doing something.
Have a baby? Pan a trip to Alaska? Plan a vacation? Bungee jump? White water raft?
Want to plan trips with friends? Be with people? Party?
Why are these next stages of my life not coming easy?
I've always known what I wanted. Why I am confused now?
What I am scared of?
I know he is the one. He is my soulmate, but as I drive home I can't help but feel anxiety.
I just want to be outside and do not mind being alone.
When I am with people we are fine and have fun.
When its just us I feel the anxiety.
Don't want to be in my house.
Don't feel like cooking or cleaning or being apart of any kind of life's day to day maintenance.
I am unhappy?
Would I be okay with life's day to day if I was happy or is reality just setting in now?
I know it makes me sad that I will never have those first time feelings again.
The excitement of a new relationship and exploring something new even though
I know it will not work. The feeling of passion and desire haunts me.
The way I was touched and looked at makes me feel alive and appreciated.
Recently, I've had many guys tell me they adore me,
makes me feel like I've sold myself short of what I could of experienced in life.
At the same time maybe I need to bring a new life in this world and share myself and care for another.
Why do I feel the need to simplify. Start over.
I want to get rid of my clothes, just throw out excess stuff away.
I don't want anymore fuss.
My bedroom furniture gets so dusty , feel the need to just get rid of it.
Just want to dump all my draws into garbage bags.
I almost feel like I am defeated.
Feel the need to give up on my body.
Smoking cigarettes. Does it matter If I am skinny and healthy.
No one is there to appreciate it .
Just feel the need to get my juices flowing again, but
then I feel the need to keep going and do everything so I don't have to sit and think.
Want to work on the marriage.
I know we have something amazing.
He loves me, will do anything for me.
He is loyal, honest, forgiving and understanding.
I have changed. Can he?
Is it to much to ask of him?
Are my expectations to high?
Or do I expect him to be me?
And if he does do all this will it make me happy?
He is too good of fish to throw back in the sea.
Everyone loves him and adores him.
Love us as a couple.
We work.
Is it too perfect? Is that what scares me?
Do I want to mess it up for the challenge?
Do we need to start all over again?
Start a new adventure.
Maybe move to another state.
This is something we talked about a lot, but
both feel we are atttached to our jobs/family.
Am I a person that just always needs to explore?
Never settle and always want to be adventourous.
No holding back on life. Just going and not thinking.
Finances I feel hold me back. I want to just jump on a plane and go.
Just be wild and have fun.
Is it okay to be this way?
Do I follow those thoughts and does he come along with me?
I know he will.
I should take one day at a time, but I feel the need to just break out and explode.
What I know I want in life is to be active, be outside, live simple, no fuss, for materials not to control who I am, live free and to the fullest potential that I possibly can.
I know I could just run and ride my bike throough the woods everyday.
Do I go with every thought I think of?
If that is the case then I think I will be alone.
I don't want to be alone.
I know I will just get it out of my system and he will be gone.
I hate to regret or go backwards.
I want to push forward.
I want all my feelings of happiness, contentment, love to come back.
I like to feel warm, solid, safe and focused.
I want to feel like everything is going to be okay.
I feel I can't push myself anymore.
I feel drained and tired.
Want to shake myself and scream and have it all be over,
so I can move on from all these thoughts.
No more anxiety...




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