So I've decided to see a therapist. Through becoming an honest person, I'm finding out that a previous trauma in life has injured me more severely that I thought. It is the reason I became a liar, to hide my pain, I had to find another explanation to what my nightmares were about as a child, and it just became easier to give a story than explain the pain I felt. It is the reason I never wanted to do well in school, because I simply wanted to block everything out. I only wanted to escape, at first in books, then in video games, then with girls. I always needed a distraction from my problems.
I can talk about this now, 15 years after the incident, because for the last 9 months, i have been over 1000 miles away from my hometown, where everything occurred. And, as I am finding out, someone very close to me has had a more severe, yet similar experience.
I now realize how broken I am. I am paranoid, in every room I enter, I look for two exits. I am nervous; the palms of my feet and bottom of my hands are constantly sweating. I suffer from anxiety attacks, I cannot breath in certain situations, particularly ones that remind me of the event, to a point where if the weather one day is similar to the weather on the first day of the incident, my throat will start to close up. I have, as I am noticing, anger management issues, if I think about what I have repressed, whatever is in my hand will be crushed, from a drink, to the family member's hand I am holding. I find myself entering a blackout-rage, I do not remember what I did, but thankfully, no one was hurt, just a little broken furniture before I passed out and was taken to the hospital. I do not know how many of these things were caused by that incident. I don't want to know what else could be underlying. But I have a lot of fear and anger bottled up, not a good combination should i be backed into a corner or pushed to my limit. Thankfully, I have a lot of patience, but as I am typing this, my entire body is shaking.
I love my girlfriend dearly, and she helps me without knowing, she knows about my past, and she understands my pain, although I wish she didn't, it may be one of the reasons I'd give my world to her. She remains my motivation on a daily basis, my drive to do what is right, my drive to keep calm. She is the reason I am overcoming my fear, of therapists, of talking about my past, because hopefully, by overcoming these issues I can improve myself.