March 5th, 2012 7:02 PM
Depression is a really ugly thing. It can hurt someone, consume someone, completely change someone...
When I got home today, I started reading Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher. It's basically about a girl who commits suicide and leaves behind tapes explaining why and how everything happened. I'm 2/3rds of the way done with it and whenever I read or watch a movie, it makes me think a lot. I don't like watching movies just because of the way I think afterwards- same with books. But reading the Thirteen Reasons Why... well, it wasn't really different. It still made me think.
I now realize that suicide is a very selfish act. I know, I know. That sounds really insensitive. Maybe you know someone who's killed themselves or something. I do too- my uncle killed himself. Or at least that's what I'm told by half my relatives. I never knew him, but some of my relatives say that someone killed him when he was in his car with his girlfriend. My grandma said he killed himself. I don't really know. For those of you who don't really understand the point of this entry- it's basically me just unloading my thoughts. I do this in my newsfeeds but for some reason I feel like someone should read this. This is what happens when I read and watch movies.. it makes me weird hah.
I guess the reason I think suicide is selfish is because of what it does to the people who knew you- even if they didn't like you that much. It makes you feel bad, like there was something you could have done to stop it. Or it makes you feel like you shouldn't have said or done those mean things to that person. It makes you guilty in ways that you could never even hope to fix. It's selfish. and you know what's scary? I've almost committed suicide before. Well, I shouldn't say that. I've thought about it a lot before- a lot. and I hardly had a reason to. I just felt really, really depressed. But why? I don't even know. It just happens sometimes, but it's really nothing to kill myself over. and thinking of a few people it would hurt, I feel really terrible ever considering it.
Like my 8th grade history teacher, Mr. Froman. I was crying in the hallway one time before school when I thought no one was there. He told me that I could come talk to him anytime- and I did. and my friend came with me. It was the only time I really got help with my depression. I wasn't very open with the counselor, she was weird. I'm worried that without talking to him, I would be in a much worse place than I am now. and then I think that if I committed suicide today how terrible Mr. Froman would have felt when he heard about it- that I was in such a bad place even though he tried to help. Gosh...
Anyway, the reason I was/am depressed is too hard to explain. I've tried writing it out before from the beginning, I have a lot of pages written and I'm not even close to being done yet. I could write a whole book about it like the Thirteen Reasons Why, except no one would read it because it wouldn't be as cool or signifigant.
You should really read that book- it makes your brain think a lot. And it's written from the point of view of this boy listening to the tapes. Because of that, it makes you feel like there is probably someone out there who really, really likes you but is too shy to say or too nervous. After all, how many times have you liked someone but never gotten the nerve to tell them? I don't know. It's a nice/sorta sad thought. If you like someone, this book would probably encourage you to tell them for sure. You have no idea how much it could affect someone. Or maybe they'd just think you're dumb and laugh at you.
There was a lot more I wanted to say. Maybe I'll post more things like this in the future. It's scary to tell thoughts like this to actual people, but it's not hard to spill your guts to a computer screen. Even if you want people to read it. I'm trying to be more open with everyone. I hope you don't feel like I wasted your time, I didn't mean to. I just wanted to post this because otherwise I'm talking to myself in my newsfeeds. I'll still be talking to myself until someone reads this.
Anyway, I could keep going on and on for hours so I should probably stop here.
I think I will post more things like this sometime, comment if you feel the slightest urge to :P