"Ive fucked 4 hookers in the last 2 weeks." Is he proud of it?
Seems like he is. Yes, hes married. Facebook says hes happily
married. Engagement photos were just beautiful. The wedding?
One of kind, arent they all? The baby pics? True bliss. Yes, Im
cyncial. Ive had too many conversations where I get the back
story. I get the confessions. I get the dirt. People trust
me...they know I wont say anything. Ill never reveal names, I
wont ever let the person get caught. But Ill talk about it. I
talk because the people doing these dirty deeds are just the same
as you and me. Maybe just me. Its theraputic for me. It makes
me feel more normal. Im not that different. I do the same....Not
the hookers per se, but the general act. The act of showing
people you are happy when maybe there is something missing. It
doesnt mean you arent happy in general, but you just arent
TOTALLY happy. You are settling.
The difference with me is that all of this holds me back from
marriage. The only girl I ever really loved, I had to let go
because I knew my selfish nature would cause me to be a dick to
her in the end. I could settle with her, but to me that meant a
life of lies, cheating, all on the premise of love. Sure, I did
love her. My guy friends love their wives. Its sort of a
selfish love though. Its a love that is convenient, one thats
rules can change depending on the guys mood. Again, this all
applies to me as well. The justification is that on the surface
you treat them well. You are sweet, a gentleman, you take care
of them. You can provide for them. You are a good dad. You take
care of their family, even if they dont need it. You work hard.
This provides justification. "Well, it was just a whore." "I
needed to get that out of my system." "She will never find out,
it was meaningless." "It doesnt take away from all the good I
do, its a small misstep." No one will find out. Just me, just
the friends like me. The wife, the people they supposedly care
about the most, will never know. Its a sobering, and mildly
depressing thought to me. Maybe I should just be like the
others. The alternative is being alone. The selfishness does
not allow for a compromise here. No meeting in the middle.
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