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Farewell Sanity

Novel By: Deathmau
Memoir



This is a story of Terra, written in first person by me (Terra) of my experience. The day my boyfriend of nearly 2 years who was both abusive and manipulative (I didn't realize it until much later, the signs of his actions in the past), broke up with me. Immediately after knowing he was serious, I took action. I just grabbed as many bottles of pills and swallowed them. I slashed my wrists, my arms, my shoulders, my back, and legs, my ankles, everywhere. I was dripping blood, and then rushed to the ER, where I was later admitted to a psychiatric ward. View table of contents...


Chapters:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Submitted:Mar 14, 2011    Reads: 182    Comments: 11    Likes: 1   


It's the third day of sophomore year in high school: Thursday, September 9th, 2010.
I love school and I love learning. One thing I do not love is associating with people...I just can't do it. My classes are: Chemistry, Health, Art, Photography, English, Pre-Calculus, and Chinese.

I just don't know where to start. I feel like whatever I say is wrong. I should just shut up anyway because no one cares in the long run. So I feel isolated and I always feel like I don't belong, anywhere. Whenever people ask me what's wrong, I always say nothing because I don't want to burden anyone with my petty teenage problems. I don't want people to reject me because of this little thing I've been diagnosed with: Social Anxiety Disorder.

I wake up in the morning every other hour after midnight due to my severe insomnia. I rarely sleep, and when I do, it is constantly interrupted by the hour. I finally wake up feeling extremely fatigue, as any other day, around seven oh clock. I had showered last night, so I hadn't worried about being clean. I just brushed my teeth and put on some decent clothes aside from my Hello Kitty pajamas. My boyfriend's black shirt, his blue and pink plaid jacket, and my long, black skirt. Interesting mix, I know. His clothes were comfortable, and I couldn't exactly define myself "girly". I thought of myself more as a boy, if anything.

I open the back door to find my kitty meowing outside of the door. I pick him up and begin petting him. Mimi was my fluffy, fat, four-legged, feline king; the only thing that bothers me is Mimi is an outdoor kitty. I loved him with all of my heart. I opened back the door to ask my dad if we could leave now. It was 7:40am. It took roughly 15 minutes (if there were no accidents or traffic jams) to arrive to school. Unlike most of the neighborhood kids, I don't go to my district's school. I go to a school a few miles away because I am in a special language program.

I get so nervous when I come to school every morning at eight oh clock, especially for the first three days. I'd much rather be late to school than early, because I feel like such a pathetic loser just waiting outside of the classroom of first period. I don't like wondering alone through the crowds of the hallways, trying to search for a single person I'm the least bit acquaintaned with.

Walking through the hallways makes me feel so awkward, knowing that every other girl is either wearing skimpy, slutty clothing, or just full-on prep. I am the only one who wears all black, but it doesn't bother me as much. I just quickly make my way up to the third floor, going to chemistry, my 1st period. The first few days of school were always boring -- the teachers only demostrate what the class is about -- there isn't much learning going on.

2nd period was health, on the second floor, which was the only class I was excited for. My best friend, Krissy, was in there. And the best part was, there is no seating chart. 3rd period -- art -- back to the third floor. Art is my favorite hobby. Drawing is one of my many passions, and I extremely enjoyed being able to focus on various types of it (unlike last year's teacher). 4th period was photography -- being right outside of art class -- which was taught by an old, fat man (who very much resembles Santa Clause) who would never shut his damn mouth.

When the 4th period bell rang, I was so anxious. After 4th period was lunch, and I had no idea where any of my friend's were...Well, Krissy. Turns out, she was right down the hall from my photography class. I was saved. I ran up to her and we went back down to the 1st floor to our lockers, which were located right by the cafeteria doors. She opened her locker to get out her lunch, I just stood next to her because I don't bring lunch. Nor do I feel comfortable eating in front of people.

We sat down by the lockers by ourselves, us two, and waited for 5th period to ring. English was on the first floor as well as being down from the hall by our lockers. The teacher was funny, but the class was full of participation, which is something I truly failed at. 6th period was alright. No seating chart yet, and I didn't know anyone in the class. Great. But hey, at least I'm a fantatic at mathematics. 7th period was my least favorite. Chinese. I've been with these classmates since kindergarten. I was on good terms with everybody, but I just couldn't be outgoing enough to speak to someone; anyone.

Three oh clock. I ran down from Chinese to my locker, where I met up with Krissy. I hadn't seen my boyfriend all day. I wonder what happened to him? Krissy and I waited outside the back doors of the school. I didn't know what we were waiting for -- as I thought I was going back to Krissy's house -- but I didn't want to seem stupid. Jessica, Krissy's other friend (best friend, before I came into the picture...), hopped outside and joined our little circle. Jessica was a year younger than Krissy and I. When she came to join us, I immediately froze up as I tend to do in groups. I just stared out at the door, witnessing who else was going to come out of the door. I saw Harvest -- my boyfriend -- who smiled and then went back inside the school.

I thought about following him. But I didn't. I sucked in my awkwardness, and continued walking behind Krissy and Jessica. The whole time I was wondering where Harvest was going, and why hadn't he talked to me since the first day of school. I decided it was too much for me to keep following Krissy and Jessica. I felt left out, like an intruder. I decided to walk home the six miles.

I got home around 5:00pm. I got a text message at 6:00pm from Harvest, but didn't check my phone until I heard my ringtone go off. "I don't want to go out anymore," the text message said.





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