What About Her?

It came time for school again. I was 15 and it was my 10th grade year, 1979. I just could not do it. I could not hang on. I can remember how weak I was. I can remember feeling like I was in a fog, or a cloud or some kind of haze. I just had no strength left at all. So mom agreed to pay for a correspondence school for me to finish and get a diploma that way. Oh halleluYah. I was free from having to get up and go to school. So I waited to get the books in the mail and started my studies.

Staying home from school to do my school work was actually a blessing in disguise. I was at the end of my rope, I was about to die from it all, and yet my Redeemer came rushing to my rescue and gave me a rest from it all. Being home from school allowed me some free time to rest. Free time while mom was sleeping. I was able to get a lot of much needed sleep. I think I slept most of that school year. I slept every time I wasn’t taking care of mom or doing schoolwork. I made it through, sent all my schoolwork in, passed my classes, got my diploma, and was beginning to get a small bit of strength back. I was still weak, and my heart was still in shreds, but I was resting, and that was a good thing.

By this time, too, “serpent” was able to come over a little more often. And mom actually let me out of the house a couple of times so that I could visit “serpents” family and finally meet them. I walked into that house and it was like walking into a cave of demons, literally and truthfully. They hated me at first sight. And they would continue to hate me for the duration of the time that I was with him. It goes back to the whole thing about Father “choosing us” before the foundation of the world. I was His and the demons around them knew it. Well we didn’t’ stay upstairs in the living room for long. We went down to his basement and he locked the door. We started making out and he was moving really fast. He asked me if I had ever had sex before and I said absolutely not. He said, ‘well come on then, lets have sex’. So, he put down an old crib mattress and we had sex. I lost my virginity to him that day. I was devastated that I allowed him to talk me into that so quickly. I thought, what was wrong with me? But it was done now and he wanted me to go home. So I did and didn’t see him for a while after that. When I got home, I never told mom. I was too ashamed. I was so tremendously ashamed. It was just one more thing to push me further into the pit of despair that I was in.