Maybe, its normal to wonder if you were dead would you wonder what its like to be alive, and since your alive why do you always wonder what its like to be dead." I said to Dr. Martin.
He said calmly in his unusually concerned voice. (so the doctor had a soft spot.)
"Abbey, you have a problem and you need to come to terms with it , I know you want to get better, you have to want to get out of here, it isn't going to go away just because you ignore it ”
"The problems I have to deal with are my problem I don't need someone to help me." I said
"You are here to get help and at this point its whether you want it or not, It seems that its out of your power to help your self in a non destructive way."
I knew that whatever I thought, he had valid points to blow my thoughts of out witting him out the window, he went to school to talk after all.
And the worst of all was that every one of his point where valid, I did needed to face it..
“ Abbey I just really want to help you.” he grabbed my shoulder and held it firmly
“I don't need to be helped, and I definitely don't need any saving.” I said backing out of his grip
“ you have been here for 2 weeks make some progress you aren't crazy and you aren't stupid, lay the game and you win even though it isn't wholeheartedly.” by then he knew that he had went to far and excused him self from his own office.
So I went to my room and pronounced my self dead..... well till “group” anyway.
'What the doctor said was true I have been here for 2 weeks... 2 weeks from that fateful day where I everything changed but lets not go there yet.
Group Therapy 1:00 pm
I'm sitting in the blue room in corner of the room away from everyone else, I don't want to talk don't even want to bee seen but it just so happens that the warden asks me first.
Now I'm pretty sure she hasn't always looked like a warden but in that blue pants suit and comfortable black shoes, she looked like a cop that has retired 10 years ago but still had the police channel on their radio just in case.
“Abbey do you want to go first ?” she asks me it isn't a question.
I look at her through the veil that I have made with my hair, hoping that she wont see me because I can't see her but no such luck.
“Abbey I want you to start us off”
she says again.
I tell her what I think she and the group want to hear.
"I feel alone and I miss my cat I think that I'm a bad person and that I don't deserve to live.”
she seems satisfied with this and moves on to the girl named Bridgette sitting beside me. Now she isn't your usual suicidal drug addicted teenage fuck up. Her parents are doctors and she goes to one of the most pristine prep schools in all of California but still she tried to see her insides. oh wait she is just like all those other spoiled little rich girls aside from the surgeon in her.
Bridgette tells her that she still want to cut herself into pieces and she would have succeeded if the maid hadn't walked in..
And I knew that was exactly what the warden wanted to hear. I know that they try to tell you they want to help you but in her case I don't think that's true, they tell Bridgette to express herself yet they keep her longer for what she says. They like to see her rise and fall. To have one of the better ones fall face down and have them, the little people thereto lift her up.. she'll be here for 13 months in July.
The warden goes down the line some say that they are sad,Others smile and say that they are happy and others dare to say they are cured like Stacey.
Stacy tried to kill her baby brother, 3 weeks after he was born, she says that he tried to take her life away. Cured right I really don't think that people that fucked up are ever cure but whatever that's just me.
2:30 Group is over, its time for supervised recreations .layman's terms means that we go outside smoke and wonder how far is it to town from here.
I walk around aimlessly and before I know recreation time is over and we are all led in a line back inside.
I got to my room, Melanie follows me, she tells me that reflecting time is soon I tell her thank you and expect her to leave but she doesn't. I really wish she would.
"I don't know why you just don't talk to Mrs Bearden, group would go so much better”
I ignore her and lay in my bed she leaves. I don't know why I wont talk but I only have one thing on my mind and that's him. The reason that I'm here the reason that I'm alive wishing I wasn't but also kind of glad I was way to much of a coward to make it reality..you know death and and the reason that I went crazy in the first place,
He looks amazing walking towards me everything feels like it in slow motion and it feels like years before he reaches me even though its only been about6 seconds. Before he can say one word I snap out of my day dream to some one screaming in the hall way.
I look out in the hallway and i see two orderlies fighting with a petite girl wearing skinny jeans and a band tee shirt, I cant see what band it is . I realize that it doesn't matter but for some reason I really want to know. Its The Used at least she has good taste in music.
"GET BACK IN YOUR ROOMS NOW!!" barks a Nurse who feels that the show has gone on long enough.
"NO I DONT WANT TO BE HERE, I'M NOT CRAZY"...... " I DONT WANT TO BE HERE WITH THESE FUCK-UPS."
For one brief second the girl looks in to my eyes and all i see is a dear caught in head lights, not the dangerous wild animal that they see.. In her eyes I see fear and and excitement something else something familiar and something forbidden. In another second I'm rushed into my room and the door is closed and I'm trying to figure out what just happened. The screaming is silenced which means..... for now that the excitement is over and it means that she has been tranquilized.
January 20.. I only know its January because I saw a news paper come in today. They don't like for us to know they date, I guess they think that we will dwell on how long we have been here and not focus on ourselves, like knowing the date is gonna interrupt our looney bin stay.