You said you want me to keep a diary and you want to read it.
Then you ask, "What is it like then?" I'm not sure what this
means, perhaps you'll answer me shortly. Also I don't have spell
check so forgive any grammar errors or spelling mistakes. Anyway,
were you referring to the dialogue i was nervous about writing?
All of this making me... nervous. Why is that? I was already
so... embarrassed? anxious? about the sex scene, now this. You
think one would only be this nervous if it were actually
happening. Shit, what am i saying? I'm already forgetting that
I'm writing to you, yet i'm not, because I'm able to type so
easily. I've never typed so fluently in my life, I'm... full of
...something honest... that needs to get out.
" [6:06:19 PM] Dummy: yeah but that was only cuz i saw you
everyday but now its like oh we skype a little and send a few
texts a day idk how you're feeling or whats going on with you"
You sent me this literaly a minute ago. It made me happy. Is
that gay? I didn't know you cared.
I was suppose to see Tina on Monday, two days ago, but i had my
orientation. I think I realized one reason i like my short hair.
It's often said that girls have to tie their hair up to do
things, science, workshop, swim maybe and they even talk about
long hair but it ends with, "not becca". "girls do this, but not
becca" I think i like that because in a way it excludes me from
other things. "girls are stupid (but not becca), girls are sluts
(but not becca). She's clever in her own way. Modest, self aware.
That's all i want people to see in me, that's it. They don't have
to think about the way i look if that never even comes into mind.
What was that movie? The one where she said, "There's a
certain comfort in being undesirable." (Dude! Ron weasley's
actor just caught this knife and no one saw so he cursed. Why was
that so amusing?) Christ, i have so much to say but my head
hurts. just a bit more.
I have a restaurant gift card and no one to go on a date
with. I asked Rita if she want to go on a hot date. I can't go by
myself. I'm not at that stage of acceptance of my loneliness yet.
I'm not Dee... oh yeah that incest book i got. He has your name,
i told you that. It says he has dark hair and light skin and
black eyes. Sad ones, not malicious ones. that's something i try
to capture sometimes, when drawing, you know? Sad, black eyes. So
this book, i'm afraid of how much i'm going to like and relate to
it. I got it last night and I'm a third of the way through...
When i say "Maybe in another life when we're both cats", I think
I mean when we are both drunk, drunk enough so im honest, so i
tell you anything. Or those moments when you spend the night at a
friends house and talk in the dark. Those moments are like
different worlds. I'm not sure if this is what i mean because
will i really be relaxed enough to tell you? I think so.
The morning you had to leave, I cried. Did you notice? Kyle
didn't so I assumed you hadn't. I was laying down facing you, and
i just started crying but I didn't want you to hear or see me cuz
it would ruin the last hours we had together. So i turned away
from you and curled into a ball. I read how when one cries, they
shake. That's only when it's being stifled. So I lied there
shaking quietly for a few minutes until i thought i could push it
back down. I got up to wipe my face. I returned and layed back
My stomach has been awful lately. So has other parts of my
body but I wont get into that... I'm afraid that if I masturbate,
I'll have a... (my loss of words as of late has left me so
vexed)... have a... false? loss of virginity. What a plain word
to use, but accurate nonetheless. Anyway... yeah. I can't have
this because I don't think I'll be in the situation till after
the average age, I think i'll be a bit late, actually... and the
guy wont believe that i actually am a virgin for so long, but
i'll have no blood to prove it to him. I'm afraid of this... Have
this confession, my secret worry.
If this is too personal then let me know, if not, then just let
me keep on this way...
I have a secret. Something that I've never thought I'd be
able to tell anyone no matter our situation, understanding of one
another... but... as of a couple of years ago, i thought i could
tell my husband or someone of that nature. I'm never telling
Tina. Now, being able to tell you what I just have in the
previous paragraph, i think one day i can tell you. I'm sure if i
ever can though, ya know? I don't know the required level of
friendship or knowledge of one another for me to feel comfortable
with confessing this to you. Will we ever get there? Who knows.
It's not insane, don't build it up, I haven't molested anyone or
done something crazy, by our meaning of the word. It's just...
somewhat shameful but I was young, I didn't understand. It
involves no one else, well... I'm worried that it might, but to
my knowledge, it doesn't. Don't ask. It's not proper to tell
someone a thing like this unless it's in person.
I start work Friday. I'g going to see alot of people on dates and
I've always liked to entertain the thought of ruining people's
dates, why is that? I'm sorry if I bore you. You don't bore me,
never had. Though I am female. My mom told me to send you a
picture of my hair cut. I made a face and told her with
hesitation that that was gay, knowing she wouldn't understand our
use of the word. I had to explain a bit that you go out of your
way to not make a comment on how i look (because god forbid it to
sound like a compliment). It would be pointless... but i did
think about it.
Sometimes I use to, when I would make crepes or breakfast in
general, I would pretend I was married... How female is that? I'd
be standing there in my t-shirt and small shorts, smiling. I
should make crepes the next time everyone has work, when they're
gone. Buy, ice cream and strawberries, bananas and chocolate,
yeah? I don't make dinner anymore but do enjoy baking when no
one watches. One morning I made crepes for Rita and Robert. They
were happy. I was nonchalant.
When I was drunk, laying on the drive way of a very upper
-middle class suburban neighborhood, Joseph lied with me. We
talked and I stroked his hair to my hearts content. I enjoyed it
very very much. I never let myself do a thing like that, you have
to have restraint. I have to when I'm with you, with Robert. His
head is always close to shaved so I want to rub it. I think it's
how I show affection.
Maybe we shouldn't pretend we're related.
Maybe... no reason... don't over think it.
I tried on my work clothes. The shirt says small but looks
like a large, maybe even extra large. "A man plans and God
laughs." I don't believe that there's one person for everyone. I
think that it feels that way once you meet someone that you felt
like you grew up with, though, because it'd then be hard to
imagine being with someone else. I think this goes for
friendship, or can. I'm no Abby or anything, I can't change
friends once they say something slightly bitchy. I think Rita and
Nick are best friends. I don't think they meant for it to happen.
They just don't like some of their friends. It just ended up
I shouldn't write you. Not in this mind frame. I learned a
new word. Cunny.
I forgot what I was going to say. I'm writhing in my bed with
pain and nausea. I remember now, and im sad cuz it's lame. "Hey
there, t'hy'la, what's it like on planet vulcan? I'm a thousand
lightyears away but tonight, kirk, you look so gorgeous, yes you
do, the Enterprise can't shine as bright as you. I swear it's
true." You know what song that's based off of? That's pretty
nerdy... I'm emotionally compromised. "A thousand lightyears
seems pretty far but they got ships and beams and warp"
Shit is going CRAZY AS FUCK in breaking bad. A kid is dying.
Have you seen frankie Munez lately? He looks gross, well, if he
still has that Mohawk and facial hair. I have work tomorrow. I'm
going to die.
HOLY SHIT. That episode of breaking bad was amazing....
Anyway, (draws gay fanart) a middle school suburban kid had
more sexual experiance than I do. I say this because it's true,
yet, I draw and write these things. Also, last night I had a
really bad oral fixation. I was like, eating my hand. It was
strange. sigh. I just drew this really awesome picture of spock.
I think it's awesome cause it looks like... a good art style? idk
it looks different than i usually draw but i like it. I can draw
when im on midol which means it's like i drank a gallon of coffee
and have a baby wanting to come out of my fallopian tube, but i
dont think i could do surgery (in this state), so it's good that
this(art) is my first choice. Shit, i have to go to bed in 7
I wish I could just get married and skip all of this.
Hey! I just had my first day of work. There was a problem
with my time card and my coworker looks and sounds like steve
Buscemi. Isn't that awesome? He spilled cheese everywhere and
popcorn oil burned me. and the nacho cheese, and the metal
scooper. I like shoveling ice. My feet hurt. Okay, so in this one
episode of Star Trek, Kirk opens his communicator and is like,
"Scotty, how long till the sun explodes?", and I was laughing
cause im like, "Jesus, that's dramatic.", also missed the part
where they said it was gonna happen in a matter of hours ealier
in the episode, so this was like, where the hell did that come
from? Idk. In person it's be funnier.
Also I got like 3 hours of sleep. I thought of one of the
sex scenes in Sad Story. That's one of the things I was thinking
about last night, how to write it. It's pretty good, if I can
remember it. *tries to remember* Okay I'm starting to remember,
took a while to think of the beginning... cock is such a dirty
word but it's the only word appropriate in their circumstance. So
dirty. Oh! so when I was drunk I accidentally said kirk and cock
in stead of kirk and spock. Rita laughed, I laughed. It was
You should check out my facebook and see how cynical i'm
getting with everyone. I think it's funny.I am incapable of
caring who unfriends me. I love star trek... I want to marry it
and for us to grow old together because nothing else is going to
come my way. NO GUY will be like, "That's so cool how you're into
sitting at your computer all day, how you draw spock everyday,
how insane you are, I like you a whole lot!" They'll be like,
"That bitch is crazy."
"You want to fictional incest? We're through."
[duck goes here]
...I wish I could say my appearance isn't the only unattractive
thing about me.
That duck is making me loose my train of thought. I like it
though. I'm gonna write some porn now... nevermind. I lost
interest. Probably tomorrow.
This is my last entry of my first diary to you. How did it
go? I think it went well. I should read more of Relations (incest
book). Her marriage is sad. It's told in past tense. She says how
she wished more than anything, that it was her brother standing
at the end of the aisle. That's the saddest thing to me. They
loved each other, they've know that since they could remember
anything. You know what happens after that? I go to arden mall
and see two hipsters long boarding and holding hands with energy
drinks in the other. People disgust me. Even this book about
incest is more... beautiful to me than this... terrible display
I just realized tomorrow is Saturday... and I work....It's going
to be so busy. Let's meet half way and get a beer. What's it
like? Being you? Do you ever worry about going insane? I do. You
know this. I wish I was smart. An alien. a true artist.
I cried in Tina's office. The time I saw her before you left.
"Do you think they take care of you? (your parents)"
"...I guess...they give me food and clothes." I start tear up.
"Who would you say really takes care of you though, when
something goes wrong?"
"......my mom?...." They trail down my face.
"What is it?"
I tell her about you. Now I am full on crying.
"You started to tear up when I asked who takes care of you, do
you think Chris takes care of you?"
"Yeah... I never would've finished high school if it weren't for
him... I'd have been in jail or an asylum by now if he wasn't
here...." I think I had a tissue by this point. There's no hiding
in my face, let alone my voice.
"Is this the first time you've cried abou him leaving?"
"No... There was this one night where it just... hit me. The next
day at school... I just... "
"Have you told him how you feel?"
"No...we don't really show this kind of emotion with eachother.
I'm sure he knows though."
"Even if he knows, I think I'd still want to hear that I'm going
to be missed. Wouldn't you?"
I nod... and cry harder. I thought I was going tell you at some
point. I'm not sure why I never did. Whenever I think of this
conversation for more than a moment, I cry. Why is this?
I'd rather not end on a sad note, but what else can be going on
in my head when there's this floating about... I'd want to go to
your house after work and tell you everything that happened. I
can't joke with anyone as easy. How am I going to make friends
when I'll always compare them to you?... I should stop now before
I say something too sappy. I'm sobbing, but I'm alright.