Dissociative Disorder! We all get lost in a good book or movie. But someone with dissociative disorder escapes reality in ways that are involuntary and unhealthy. The symptoms of dissociative disorders - ranging from amnesia to alternate identities - usually develop as a reaction to trauma and help keep difficult memories at bay.
I know now that what I would do or allow Watanbe-san to do was wrong but he was my escape. Like a good book or a really great movie. There were times I didn't feel people paid attention to me but Watanabe always did. I looked forward to his pressence.
I Remember I asked him about kissing. I saw my mother kiss my father. Even sometimes people kiss in hiding when they think no one is looking. He told me kissing is natural. It is a way that people show affection towards each other. He grabbed my cheeks and kissed my forehead. So now again I am confused. I wasnt seeing forhead kisses. So I jumped up, wrapped my arms around his neck and planted a kiss on his lips. He stood there for a while but he didn't say anything. He just grabbed my hand and we started walking to the yard. Now that I look back at it he should have said only adults to do that., or maybe even older people. He just brushed it off as if it were ok.
I began talking to myself in the shower a lot. It was like my own personal movie and I played all of the roles. Everything was the way I wanted it to be. I would even practice kissing my hand the way I saw mother and father just in case I wanted to try. I have always been a perfectionist so I had to make sure it was just right.
I remember father telling one of his associates that sometimes you need to be someone else to get things done. I felt that I needed to practice being other people even at such an early age to get things done the way I wanted them. Similiar to assuming an alternate identity specifically for these purposes.
They say that people who develope dissociative disorders usually suffer from some type of trauma or sexual abuse. Although not necessarily traumatic at this point in time is it possible that this is the cause of my dissociative disorder? Why I can so easily be someone or thing else at will? Play the part like a mainstream actress if needed. Make it so real so quickly in my mind that it becomes real?
I remember after tennis practice we were driving home and I told Watanabe-san that when I was in the shower I did what he did,
"What do you mean you did what I did?" He said in a confused voice.
"I rubbed my panties." I said.
"Why were you in the shower with your clothes on?" He asked.
I knew I told a lie so now I became nervous.
" They were off but I did it wrong." I said
"Did what wrong? He asked.
"It didn't feel the same." I said
The rest of the car ride home was quiet. I didn't feel awkward at all but I could sense the tension in Mr. Watanabe. I could also see how he would occasionally glance at me through the rear view mirror. Part of me felt bad that I put him in such a state but there was a part of me that enjoyed the sense of power in that moment. I held the power for once and I knew that although I didn't see it as wrong.
They say that there are traumas within one's home, either emotional, physical or sexual abuse that cause dissociative disorders. I wonder if this is when mine started? As Mr. Watanabe and I became more physical I believe that is when I really began to change the most. Although just a young innocent girl I began to see the power a woman could have over a man.