Why Does It Have To Be This Way?

Looking back I should have know

It wasn’t your age but you hadn’t grown

Into the woman you would come to be

Emerging into the darkness…willingly.

You kept secrets, schemed, and planned a day

When all of my world would be taken away

My heart broken...torn apart that fateful day

You acted with malice, spite...carelessly.

What was left behind can’t be recognized

Through the tears that have long left these eyes

Worst of all is the written and spoken lies

That one day will be uncovered, analyzed.

I long for the time when all this will be put behind

But it takes more than words; commitment and time

I'll do my part for it's not the journey but the way

These steps we must take are overdue....necessary.

But what about today? Will they see and feel?

Or will they be further subjected to untruths or denial?

You so easily dismissed the oath you took before God

Have all your dreams now come true? What price were you bought?

The pages of life continue to turn.

When you look in the mirror does it burn?

With the knowledge of all you have done and said.

To keep me from them as if I were...dead.

Do you pray that time will take me away?

That I will cease to be, buried in a box to decay?

Then you’ll be the victim and your lies fulfilled.

My silence ensured…your webs finally killed.

May God have mercy and hear my prayers.

For nothing else matters and I long to be there.

To see again my children who love and miss every day.

For my intentions are sincere and each day I pray.

As I cherish them one and all each day since their birth.

Nothing means more to me, nothing in or on this earth.

They will know that I eternally love them so.

Love is not limited to distance but in the heart…their soul.

For truth has a ring that will always be heard.

Despite attempts to silence, and the truth....censured.

For it took both to bring them to life.

And it takes both now... no longer husband and wife.

They are growing up so fast, and each with different needs.

That's why I type these words, and issue these pleas.

For they are worth having me in their life.

Sooner rather than later, without drama or strife.

I pray you’ll find the way to (finally) do what’s right.

To cease all the drama, put a stop to the fight.

All those years you preached to always "tell the truth".

Yet you spewed hatred and lies without a shred of proof.

In spite of these acts, deplorable to their very core.

You think these will always be hidden...ignored?

After all this time, and all this pain.

You still seek to hurt, you still seek to gain.

What is not solely yours, and never was.

I have admitted I was wrong in so many ways.

My God I’ve paid a price each second of everyday

What price is enough? What more do you seek?

To raise then without their Father, even for you it's beneath.

Maybe one day you’ll stop being self-centered and blind.

To the pains they have suffered, even now, and in time.

I never would have allowed the tables to be turned.

For you are deserving, even after you burned.

Your attempts to justify by saying "he did this, or he didn't".

But that's just an excuse because your heart wasn't in it.

For you left in every way; months before that hurtful day.

Nothing will ever change that truth, nothing you can say.

For years you were paralyzed, exaggerated your symptoms.

You denied my having cancer, a despicable omission.

You'll never know how it felt to deal with this disease all alone.

While you kept my children away…never allowing to phone.

You turned away when I needed you most.

To busy planning your new life, in texts and letters you boast.

You mocked the one who was lost by sickness and depression.

That could never be cured by dishonorable sessions.

Even as my condition was grave and each day it grew worse.

Matter not to you only that you gained advantage via divorce.

I write these words knowing that I truly loved.

But you sought enrichment now…I seek it from above.

Mistakes I’ve made I’ll never make again.

For this is now, and that was then.

The steps I’ve taken to improve and to get better.

Evident in my heart, body, mind, and spirit what matters.

And to children who I’ve loved, and longed for, each day.

I pray for the opportunity to minimize their hurt go away.

I don’t regret falling in love and all those years.

Spent by your side, sharing hopes – dreams – and fears.

But that time has gone and to what will take its place?

For me it will be just to love them…and to see their face.

Not just in pictures or through space or walls.

Built up internally, in the mind, or in laws.

But to do for them what needs to be done.

For them to be happy and loved; Father to daughter…Father to son.

Whatever you were, whatever you are, whatever you’ll be.

I will always wish you well and hold specific memory.

Wherever my children go whatever they do.

I will love them; pray for them, not taking from you.

Maybe one day you’ll realize for them no one can take my place.

For they are ours by blood, my name and my face.